(Closed) Mature Content–Porn

posted 8 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 15
Member
302 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

There was a study that I think you should read:

Here is the first paragraph:

Researchers were conducting a study comparing the views of men in their 20s who had never been exposed to pornography with regular users.

 

But their project stumbled at the first hurdle when they failed to find a single man who had not been seen it.

 

“We started our research seeking men in their 20s who had never consumed pornography,” said Professor Simon Louis Lajeunesse. “We couldn’t find any.”

 

The whole study:

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/relationships/6709646/All-men-watch-porn-scientists-find.html

 

To be honest, maybe he just wanted “to rub one out” so to speak. Just do it fast and get back to whatever he was doing before hand.

It doesn’t mean that he loves you any less, or doesn’t find you attractive. It just means he is a guy.

Post # 17
Member
194 posts
Blushing bee

View original reply
@jeanie3:  I would feel exactly the way you do!  I really think that it is a personal decision (how people feel about it), but don’t think that you are weird for feeling hurt or upset by finding that history.  Exclusivity is possible and you are not abnormal for wanting to be THE girl that excites him sexually!

Post # 17
Member
4322 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 1992

A PP made a good suggestion to you that will help you out immensely. As long as you are satisfied in your own sex life, porn isn’t necessarily a problem in your relationship. Definitely ask him to clear his browser history so you aren’t a 3rd party to his self-pleasure. 

I was in a similar sitation once. My computer blew up so I had to use my Darling Husband… and I saw internet searches about a particular celebrity whose name I can’t type yet. The PROBLEM I found was not that he was having an extra-curricular release by himself– it was ME internalizing everything. The following questions came up in my mind: 

1) Oh my god! Look how PRETTY she is, how SKINNY she is, how FEMININE she is! (All of these things I do not feel about myself at all) 

2) Oh my god! Does he still love me / find me attractive? Why is he looking at HER?

3) Do I not satisfy him?  What am I doing wrong? 

It had little to do with what his behavior was, because when push comes to shove, I look at porn too, and the above questions suddenly seemed ridiculous when I put myself in his shoes. 

But I did confront him about it in the most supportive way possible and asked him to be mindful of not letting it stay in the browser history because now when I go into our computer room, I’m wondering if semen is hanging around the keyboard, and other unreasonable thoughts. Next, I asked him to make sure that it doesn’t enter into his life as a SUBSTITUTION for sex, but rather to let it remain a supplement to it. 

As long as you don’t see it on his phone and things to back to status quo, I think you will heal just fine if you are really critical about why this bothers you. For me, it was totally me being insecure.

Post # 18
Member
1 posts
Wannabee

I’m a regular poster but would rather stay incogneto for intimate subject matter….

That’s a hard place and building that security and trust back can be REALLY hard… It takes time and ALOT of communication & honesty (affirm, affirm, affirm). Maybe your guy is willing to go there with you. I know for me I’m a questions asker.. I need to know why, what, and all the terrible details b/c really my imagination is almost ALWAYS worse that the facts… At first it would hurt to hear but it helped me process & understand (not to be mistaken w/ get over & accept b/c it’s never been okay with me)

Darling Husband and I actually have the xxxchurch browser on our phones AND computers b/c it’s not something that either of us wants in our marriage (DH decided this). We are each others “accountability” partners so to speak and Darling Husband also has another friend as his just for that extra cushion. The browser doesn’t “block” sites but will ask if you want to proceed if something looks questionable & if it does turn out to be a porn site it will send the question site/link to the accounability partner in the weekly (iphone) & bi-weekly (computer) reports.

Not ALL guys do it, but I do believe that just about ALL guys have… Some truly aren’t okay with it… and really even though Darling Husband was never “okay” with it, it was it’s effect on me & my heart that was enough for him. To him it just wasn’t worth me feeling insecure, even if I was keeping it to myself Darling Husband would know something was wrong.

Now we aren’t opposed to pleasing ourselves… ie. Darling Husband did last night to/for me b/c I haven’t been up to acutally doing the deed. And I can say that’s ALOT different then him going to another outlet of hiding or watching someone else. But to get here it’s taken alot of communication & working together.

I would just talk to him about it and be as open & honest AND understanding as you can be… it may take a few days (let him know this) of it coming up to completely talk through it but the more you two can communicate about it, the more you can both be on the same page.

GL

Post # 20
Member
803 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Definitely agree with asking him to clear his browser history.  My Fiance and I have an agreement; he can look at whatever he wants as long as I don’t know about it.  I know he does it, but I don’t want to hear about it, see it, etc.  It makes me feel insecure but at the same time I know he finds me attractive and it’s just a thing he enjoys.  So I basically told him before I had to find any of it, “I know you enjoy it, I want you to enjoy yourself, but I don’t want to know, so please make sure you cover your tracks.”  Out of sight, out of mind works for me.

Post # 21
Member
47341 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

One thing that I forgot to mention is that he may be using porn  to bring himself to orgasm so he can last longer with you.

Post # 22
Member
9831 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2019

i agree with PPs, that guys look at porn, i myself do too, but i understand where you’re coming from! i have seen my FI’s browsing history, and it worries me sometimes, with the stuff he looks at, so i totally understand where you’re coming from! is your sex life ok still? cos i know mine and my FI’s isn’t great and i worry that porn may have something to do with it, but if your sex life is good then don’t worry too much, but i think expressing your concerns is a good idea 🙂

Post # 23
Member
9831 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2019

View original reply
@jeanie3:  he did it for the first time on vacation with you in the room? when he could have gotten the stuff from you?! you have every right to be upset!

Post # 24
Member
329 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I think this situation would be a great opportunity to have a frank and open conversation about porn and sex in general. Having an emotionally charged and accusing conversation is not going to make you feel any better and is going to make him ashamed or stressed, not the ideal situation for a happy, healthy sex life for sure. As someone who watches porn and who has discussed porn with my husband, he is not choosing a woman over you or any else attracted to you when hes viewing it. Some people do it to explore fantasies, because theyre bored, or because they need release, either cause youre not around or if you are, to last longer later or get in the mood in general.

Post # 25
Member
329 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

WeddingBee ate the rest of my post, but I would talk to him about what you saw in a constructive way. If you were shocked at the kind of porn, maybe you can ask if he was exploring fantasies that he wouldnt do in real life, or what value he was it. maybe its the position or the naughtiness of doing it. Whatever it is, find out why. Then tell him your feelings without being mean or getting heated, and go from there. To have an open sex life you need to talk through these things and not clam up with insecurity. This man loves you and chooses to be with you, so unless he has some kind of addiction, he didnt do this to hurt your feelings. Sometimes when its been awhile or were on vacation, I know my husband “takes care of himself” beforehand because he tends to get overexcited and gets annoyed when he finishes early. The only reason I know that is because we talked about it.

Post # 26
Member
1992 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

OP, I think you’re probably taking the whole situation too seriously.  If you have such strong feelings about porn then maybe you should have talked to your fiance about it earlier on.  I think it might be unfair to be so upset with him about behavior that you know is typical of a guy, but that you haven’t previously expressed your feelings about.  

I also highly doubt that your fiance’s viewing of porn has anything to do with his attraction to you. I say this because I watch porn, and it does not mean I want to be with anyone other than my SO or that I’m not attracted to him.  Honestly, it’s just about getting my jollies & moving on. There is no way that watching a porno could compare to the emotional depth, passion, love and dedication that my SO & I share.  I’m sure your fiance feels the same way.  

Maybe you should try watching it with him.  My So & I watch porn together from time to time & I feel closer to him since we started doing it. It’s one less boundary between us. Instead of pretending as if the other doesn’t do it, or hiding it from eachother, its completely there out in the open.  He doesn’t have to feel embarrassed or ashamed about it with me, and vice versa. Sometimes we run across a video that we find particularly comical, and it’s like we end up with our own little inside joke about it (the Kim K. sextape is one of them).

If you just can’t shake your feelings about it, you definitely need to talk to him.  Just try not to sound judmental. Try to listen to his reasoning too, as opposed to making your views on the subject “The Law” on the matter. 

Post # 27
Member
9831 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2019

View original reply
@SincerelyShe:  agree, OP maybe try watching it with him, so you don’t feel like he isn’t thinking about you when watching it, if you did that he certainly would connect it with you whenever he watches it, not just when you watch it together 🙂

Post # 28
Member
1595 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

View original reply
@jeanie3:  Does it help to know that most men do it even if their wives/gf’s don’t think they do? I am fine with porn b/c my bf likes to “get off” 2x a day and 1x is more than enough for me! We watch porn together ssometimes bc it is just a turn on for the both of us and gives us ideas of other things we could try…do you think watching it with him might help, so you realize it isn’t as bad as you think it is?

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