(Closed) Maybe I shouldn't have brought it up…

posted 6 years ago in Married Life
  • poll: Should I have kept quiet?
    Yes, it only caused problems. : (53 votes)
    45 %
    No, even if you might not be able to let it go otherwise. : (59 votes)
    50 %
    Other. Advice? : (6 votes)
    5 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    4355 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: June 2013

    I don’t have any advice because there is nothing to do about it now but this happened to us too. I think we only got one slow dance besides our first dance and that’s because it was the end of the night and I dragged him out there for a “last dance”. I think it was just the way it worked out, but he likes to smoke cigars which is fine. I told him he could have 1 (it can take 45 mins to smoke one) and various guests wanted to smoke one with him too so he felt obligated to say yes and thus ended up being on the patio for quite a while. No harm, I spend more time chatting around with people than I did dancing to be honest. Things just don’t always go as planned, try and let it go.

    Post # 4
    Member
    399 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: September 2013

    You brought up something that was bothering you. If you hadn’t brought it up, it might have festered and grown into something larger. I think you did the right thing. Now, though- I think you need to comfort him. Maybe tell him that since now you realize it wasn’t intentional on his part that it no longer bothers you. Any anecdotes about how he has NOT failed you, how he has been supportive since you got married? Share those with him and tell him how much more important they are to you.

     

    Seeing just here how much you both care about eachother, i’m certain you will get past this. 🙂

    Post # 5
    Member
    8042 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: December 2013

    @LadyBear:  Well there’s no point regretting bringing it up… what’s done is done. I don’t see what’s wrong with bringing it up… you’re married and should be able to tell each other anything.

    I think he’ll get over it pretty fast. I agree his reaction was a bit over the top, but it sounds to me like he cares about you a lot, which is great. Did you blame him at all in the conversation? It sounds to me like he didn’t really break his promise… he just felt obligated to spend some time with your guests, which sounds perfectly reasonable to me.

    I think you both just need to realize that it’s done, and there’s nothing you can do to change it. Be happy that the wedding went wonderfully.

    I wouldn’t bring it up again, and if he does, just tell him that you’re not mad at him or anything, and you’re happy that overall the day was perfect. I think we all tend to focus on negatives even if the positives outweigh them.

     

    Post # 6
    Member
    591 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: April 2012 - St. Philip Catholic Church/Arcadia Brewing Co.

    Eh… hard to say really, I mean I am all for communication over bottling things up. That being said, nothing can be done to change the situation and now you both feel bad… I guess the only thing to do moving forward would be to address these things as they are happening (if possible) in the future. 

    This happened to some extent at our wedding too. My friends (and I) were on the dance floor most of the night. Mr. Aardvark would dance with me if I went and got him (which I did a few times) but most of the time he was catching up with his friends that he hardly ever sees (and apparently don’t dance). I was bummed about it for awhile but in the end decided it was fine because it was “us” we are very comfortable doing our own thing and are not an “always together” type couple. Every now and then I wish we could have been one of those “we were the only two people in the world” couples that night but it’s just not what happened. 

    When I am bummed about it, I tell myself the WEDDING was about us, and the reception was for our guests… Many of whom we hardly ever see, so it was good to spend time with them, because we get every day for the rest of our lives as husband and wife. (also I make him dance with me from time to time in our living room)

    I hope you can both feel better about this soon! 

    Post # 7
    Member
    6349 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: August 2014

    I would probably have kept quiet TBH; but then, it’s not something that would have upset me personally, as I’m inclined to agree with your OH; while I obviously hope to spend a lot of time with my OH, I imagine that during the evening reception particularly we will spend a fair amount of time apart, talking to our respective families/guests, making sure everyone’s having a good time etc; I certainly don’t expect to be dancing all night.

    I would simply say that you’re sorry for bringing it up and didn’t want to upset him, and that now he’s explained, you totally understand. Then have a kiss and cuddle and make up 🙂

    Post # 8
    Member
    443 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: May 2014

    Awh! In a twisted way I actually think it’s so sweet that he’s so disappointed in himself for disappointing you…

    My advice…Have a date night – If you still have your wedding dress, why not put it on, serve him his favourote food, select some decent music and dance the night away. Tell him that its really ok that you didn’t really get to dance together at your wedding ‘cos you’ll be dancing together for the rest of your lives 🙂

    Post # 9
    Member
    2638 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: November 2006

    I don’t know your relationship well enough to know if you made the right call but something similar happened to me. I was EXHAUSTED and so sick after our wedding in Vegas but my husband, as host, went out with about 12-15 of our guests (we had quite a few people come to our DW). I told my husband to call me in an hour or two so I could nap and then I’d meet up with everyone and go out gambling. He called, but my phone was super messed up and I didn’t get the message or even a missed call. So I thought he forgot about me and then like FIVE hours later I was sobbing and so upset that I missed out on everything and that I didn’t even spend the night with my new husband. I did meet up with them and saw that they’d all gone to In-N-Out already, WITHOUT ME and didn’t get me anything, and I spent a few days feeling very sorry for myself. My husband felt like a total screw-up because he felt like it looked like he chose friends over his new wife, even though that’s not what happened. (It’s also kind of what it felt like).

    FWIW, we don’t talk about it or think about it anymore. Our wedding got us married and our marriage is just fine.

     

    Post # 10
    Member
    2425 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: May 2012

    I don’t think it was really productive per say to bring it up because there was nothing that could be done about. But communication in general is good, so it’s a tough call.

    In your DH’s defense, I do agree with him that the bride and groom should make an attempt to try to talk to all their guests. Darling Husband and I did that (mostly together) and it took up most of our time in the reception. It sounds like you guys had a plan of staying together, but not specific what you would spend your time doing (he prioritized talking to as many guests as possible, versus you prioritized the fun/dancing aspect). My Darling Husband and I had discussed that the “duty” of making the rounds was a priority, so even though we were together, we barely got to dance either (which is a bit of a bummer, I understand). It just sounds like you guys didn’t have a clear enough plan, so I don’t think it is all your DH’s fault and that he failed you!

    Post # 11
    Member
    497 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: March 2013

    In the grand scheme of things, this is minor and not worth the hassle.  You said that the day went by perfectly without incident. It doesn’t make sense to dwell on it. You were both trying to do what you thought was right (you, be with him — him, entertain guests). This is a non-issue and not worth either of you feeling bad.

    Post # 12
    Member
    3697 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: May 2012

    Marraige is a lifetime of figuring each other out.  And you can’t do that all on your own.  It bothered you enough to tell him, so you did.  He feels bad, he should be able to tell you that.  Now you need to work on what happens next.  Does he need to be reassured more that he’s being a good husband?  Is he being a good husband?  Do you have realistic expectations for each other?  Do you make them clear? 

    Honestly, that’s no big.  He’ll get over it, I’m sure he just wants to make sure you remember it as the perfect day he knows you wanted it to be. 

    Post # 13
    Member
    4803 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: September 2011

    This happened at my wedding too, and I did mention afterwards that it seemed like I had to keep stopping what I was doing to go find him. To me it seems like your DH’s reaction is pretty over the top. He didn’t fail you, he did something that kinda annoyed you a bit. Honestly, I think both of you need to calm your reactions here – your being crushed you didn’t dance more is pretty darn extreme, and him being devestated that it bothered you is also way too much. Your married life will run much smoother if you two start now on letting the little things go!

    Post # 14
    Member
    8882 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper

    @ms_protea:  I love this idea!

    I mentioned the same thing to my Darling Husband and he agreed and said it sucked he hardly saw me, but we agreed it was a great wedding. It sounds like your Darling Husband is taking it a little too hard but he’ll get over it.

    Post # 15
    Member
    432 posts
    Helper bee

    This might make you feel better..

    When I was a wedding photographer none of the couples got to spend time together at the reception they were always busy with the guest I havn’t got enough fingers in teh world to count how many times I heard from the couple’s ‘I feel like we havn’t seen each other’ it is entirely normal, it sucks but it happens all the time.

    Maybe you could do somehting romantic for your hubby put on some music and put on your wedding dress and ask him for a dance one night :]

    hope you feel better and your hubby feels better too.

    Post # 16
    Member
    1548 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: November 1999

    I don’t think it was right to bring it up. You made him feel guilty for not doing anything wrong. I personally think it was unreasonable for your to expect to be joined at the him the entire night of your wedding. He was being a good host and wanted to make sure your guests were having a wonderful night. 

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