- 11 years ago
- Wedding: July 2010
I feel sad posting this and feeling this way, but I have to be honest…and if anyone else can relate, please let me know!
We got married on July 10. It was a beautiful, blessed, wonderful, joyful day. That said, it wasn’t ethereal bliss. And I did have “complicated” feelings about getting married, and about my relationsihp with my husband (it even feels weird using the word “husband”!)–went to therapy on my own, he and I did some counseling (not a lot), read “The Conscious Bride,” etc…
We went on an amazing month-long honeymoon tour through Europe. Saw and did wonderful things…but we argued. Often. A couple of doozies. Yes, we did laugh and have romantic moments and make wonderful memories too, but I hate that we argued, and that some days during our honeymoon I didn’t even want to be around him.
Now we’re home. And we just had a hell of a fight last night. An ugly one. We BOTH acted like looney nutcases and obnoxious jerks. I can only speak for myself and be honest about my own thoughts, feelings, and behaviors–I’m “acting out,” the way a kid does when they feel they’re stuck or made to conform to something. (Ironically, one of his biggest complaints about me is that I “push him.” I push him to discuss things when he doesn’t want to, more than he wants to, or to show affection. I do; I just don’t want to have to.) I also feel fear that we made a mistake, and a little bit of anger at the permanance (finality) of this decision. Before you ask, no, my DH is not a forceful or controlling person. He is by no means perfect, and often doesn’t handle conflict as productively or rationally as I would like, and that frustrates me. He is fairly hard-headed with his thoughts and opinions, and can be inflexible about them and come across as arrogant.
I have another appointmen with the same therapist I was seeing before the wedding, and my DH has agreed to go to couple’s counseling with me if I set up an appointment for us.
I ask you (someone): Am I nuts or wrong for feeling this way? If we’re this conflictual right now, one month in, is it hopeless and are we doomed? Is it miserable for newlyweds to go to counseling? And finally–can anyone relate?
Thanks for letting me vent. Even if nobody replies, it feels good for me to get these thoughts out.