(Closed) Maybe I wasn’t ready to get married :(

posted 8 years ago in Married Life
Post # 3
Member
1927 posts
Buzzing bee

I don’t think your hopeless or doomed at all.  The first year of marriage is widely considered to be the hardest.  You are both still adjusting to being husband and wife and probably the finality of the decision is weighing on you by making every little fight or disagreement seem so much more important.  I think couple counseling is a great idea for you two.  Having a knowledgeable third party help you come to terms with these feelings and understand them will help a lot.  Don’t despair, just focus on improving your relationship, and try hard to remember the things that made you love him in the first place.

Post # 4
Member
1057 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

I think this is normal. Before, you both still had a way “out” you weren’t legally binded. Now, you’re both feeling stuck. It’s probably harder for him because I’m sure he’s getting shit from his friends and whatnot about being married. Counselling will help, and it will get better.

Post # 5
Member
3176 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

The main thing that worries me about your post is that even before you were married you were questioning whether or not you should get married. I dont think your doomed as long as you WANT to be married and WANT to be with your husband. Do you? I don’t imagine that these arguments only started after the wedding. Me and FH have fights and I have moments where I can’t stand him, but I know I want him in my life forever, whether we were getting married or not I would want him there. Do you have that feeling? Like if you hadn’t been plannig a wedding and if you hadn’t gone through with it would you be feeling like you just wanted to break up or would you think you were having a rough patch? How long have the two of you been together?

Post # 6
Member
1645 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

You are normal. Having a month long honeymoon and returning to the day to day routine can be difficult. You are back to having responsibilities and are tired and stressed from work and daily things.

I would try to avoid thinking that you made a mistake. One thing I learned from my earlier relationships was that everytime I started thinking about it being a mistake and leaving, that was what would eventually happen. If you really love your husband, I’d try to think about things in terms of learning to be the husband and wife that each other needs and learning to communicate better.

Going to counseling (individual and couples) is a great first step. Your husband agreeing to go is a really positive sign too, and that means you are both willing to work to make things better. Good luck and I hope that things get better and work out.

Post # 7
Member
108 posts
Blushing bee

I think you’ve said it best yourself – you are “acting out” because you feel stuck.

I think it’s normal to feel conflicted if you are uneasy about the huge decision you have just made – I am going guess it may be because you are in fear of  the permanence to being tied down to one person (guessing only because this is a commonly stated “fear” among newlyweds), especially if you feel like there was a lot you wanted to do “before” you got married, or “on your own”. You may even be experiencing some post-wedding depression.  Or, maybe, you just plain weren’t ready to get married (as you have said yourself) and subconsciously you are wishing you had waited, and you are punishing yourself.

I’m sure someone on here is going to say “you should have worked this out before the wedding” but the wedding is over, and you can’t go back. I think it’s great that you are going to counselling.

As for you “pushing” your husband, sharing and communication is a huge part of relationships, and especially marriages. Maybe he doesn’t like to share, but I think it’s just a recipe for disaster down the road if he doesn’t learn to start.

Post # 8
Member
948 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2010

I think you are doing the responsible thing, seeking out help through counseling.  It sounds positive that he is working with you on it and that you are finding out what sets each of you off.    

Marriage is hard, adjusting to living with another person at all. let alone with different coping mechanisms is not an easy thing.  Everybody argues, some more, some less.  You sound more mature and ready to be married than several couples that I know.   There is never a perfect time for anything, but with a little help, I hope you both can be very happy! 

Everyone argues, but try to remember why you are putting work into this relationship, I am sure he is worth it, and that you are worth it to him. 

Post # 10
Member
32 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2009

Did you live together before marriage?  My husband and I were together for 5 years before we got married last year.  But I moved in with him the second year of our relationship and it was really TOUGH!  We’d bicker over things I can’t really remember right now and we’d get so annoyed at each other’s habits.  Lots of crying, screaming, walking out in the middle of the night (ugh).  He thought I “pushed” him also.  Sometimes he still thinks that but that’s because he can be very relaxed about all situations and he hates talking about serious things.  I thought we weren’t going to make it. 

But somehow we learned to compromise with each other, look at the bigger picture, pick our battles.  We still fight but it’s not as bad as the first couple of years of our relationship.  Sometimes I bring it up to him (i dunno why) about our first couple of years.  I’m always saying I don’t know how we made it and he’s always responding back with ‘because of loveee’ hehe.

Also, our honeymoon wasn’t as long as yours but we fought once during it hehe.  I didn’t want to fight during our honeymoon but it’s okay.  We’re imperfect.. but in the end, we really do love and try for each other.

Post # 12
Member
6661 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

I know it’s off topic, but WOW!! A month long honeymoon to Europe, go you!! But all that alone time in non-reality land might have been hard on you also. I’m curious to see if the counselor agrees with me. It sound strange, but no schedule or responsibilities can drive people nutz.

And of course you aren’t doomed, you’ve had some fights! Fighting is healthy and you can look forward to working it out, together. As husband and wife! Good luck, wish you the best!

Post # 13
Member
264 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

I would add that a trip to Europe has a lot more stresses than your average lay-on-the-beach honeymoon. There are just so many more factors to consider: sightseeing, different languages, currencies, figuring out where you are going and what you are doing. I think it’s normal for two people traveling together in that kind of environment to have some small tiffs.

I hope you find the counseling helpful!

Post # 15
Member
375 posts
Helper bee

I really like those relationship self help books. (5 love languages is great) That sounds cheesy, but I have learned so much from them. I’m not big into counseling (all we did was keep talking about the same issues and getting hurt again), but relationship classes and books are fun.

Post # 16
Member
3762 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

I think your taking a lot of great steps. 

First of all

  • Its only been a month
  • You took an awesome honeymoon, but one that can cause a lot of added stress.

Going forward, you are doing the right things

  • Identify and communicate what each of you feel are the “problems”.  As you said, its probably not about the little stuff you bicker over, but really some deeper problems with how you are feeling.
  • Read some books to help give solutions (5 love languages, how to affair proof your marriage, and Love and Respect are all great books we read together). 
  • Talk to each other about how things can be fixed/made better
  • Go to counseling to resolve anything you can work out. 

 

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