(Closed) Maybe I wasn’t ready to get married :(

posted 10 years ago in Married Life
Post # 18
Member
948 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2010

Definitely give yourselves time!  We just hit the 6 month mark, and finally feel like we are settling into a routine and have some spare time.  Of course we both switched jobs right around the wedding too, so that didn’t help!  Just hang in there and give yourselves time to adjust.  Living together before or not, getting married is still a big change in your lives!

Post # 19
Member
719 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

I feel ya.  We fought during our honeymoon.  We fight now but we do communicate and I think we have all the really important things that relationships need.  Living together is hard.  Marriage isn’t easy.  It’s a big adjustment and while I’m sure there are unicorn-n-rainbow newlyweds out there, I think that’s less common than people lead us to believe.  Props to you for counseling.  Good luck!

Post # 20
Member
383 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2011

I agree- don’t worry! But you may want to look into how you fight and the words you use. There are some great articles/books out there on how to argue in a productive rather than hurtful manner (e.g. “I feel hurt” rather than blame). Having arguments isn’t necessarily a bad thing – it’s how you argue that determines it!

Post # 21
Member
1810 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

(SUPER LONG)

FH & I used to fight like CRAZY. Seriously, it was awful. It was very early on in our relationship, and I knew we had to change because our relationship wasn’t going to last if we didn’t. Here’s what we did: (We came up with these sllllooooowly and over time.)

1) My most important thing to work on: I had to stop yelling. I liked to yell. It made me feel better– except for the fact that it wasn’t helping anything. It was ridiculous and no one ever told me before that I couldn’t yell at them. They (exboyfriends) would just put up with it or yell back. But not FH. He made it perfectly clear that I was not to yell at him, and though he loves me, he will not allow himself to be treated like that. (Not that I yelled all the time or anything, but it still wasn’t nice.)

2) His most important thing to work on: opening up– I needed him to discuss his feelings with me instead of getting pissed at me and not explaining to me why.

3) If one of us needs to step away to breathe, calm down & gather our thoughts, the other is not allowed to follow. (Very important– if I feel like I’m going to start yelling, so I walk away instead, don’t follow me– I’ve reached my limit.) But FH used to leave the house for hours and come back much later, and I didn’t like it– I’d like to have a few minutes to gather my thoughts and deal with the situation right away instead of bringing up the fight again hours later. So we decided that FH leaving the house during a fight was not appropriate because it didn’t allow us to address and solve the issue.

4) One of the most important things we have to remember: We love each other. We are not ever going to do something to each other just for the purpose of hurting each other. So that helped us to stop being so sensitive and realize that we make mistakes, but they are not ever intended to be hurtful. 

5) We had to stop fighting to be right. That’s not what’s important in a relationship. If he did something to hurt my feelings, I would want an outright apology and basically for him to accept fault. But then I realized that I could be at fault as well, because I could have misunderstood his intention or whatever. And most of the times when we fight, we are both at fault. So instead of assigning fault, we figure out what went wrong and what can be done differently to avoid another similar fight.

6) Strive to be the bigger person. If you see that where he’s coming from is different from where you’re coming from, don’t continue to keep badgering him to get him to agree with you– it’s probably not going to happen. Better to say, “I see where you’re coming from. Maybe next time you can voice your opinion like this, opposed to the way you did it, so that I can understand it better. Anyway, do you agree to disagree? I love you too.” (Or whatever works for you.)

7) FH told me this once, and it took me a lonnnnggg time to get what he was saying: Anger is a secondary emotion. Basically, anger stems from some other emotion– embarrassment? Frustration? Hurt? Instead of getting angry, figure out where that anger is stemming from, and explain it to him. Did he say something that embarrassed you? Instead of getting pissed at him, explain to him that it embarrassed you. Which can be hard because it involves being vulnerable with him, and it’s hard to be vulnerable with someone when you feel like they hurt you on purpose. So then it’s back to #4, remember that, and be vulnerable– it’s better than being mad. This helped me so much to stop yelling.

8) Working on our relationship is our #1 priority (unless we actually have to be at work/ school). He’s supposed to be going out with the guys, but we’re “having a discussion?” He can be late. I’m supposed to go to the gym? Oh well, I’ll go after/ skip it. Our relationship is more important.

9) Last one: apologize when you’re wrong. So easy to say but so hard to do!

Anyway, sorry that was so long. But that’s what works for FH and me. And we haven’t had an awful fight like before in such a long time– it’s hard to think that we ever used to fight like that because how well we communicate now. Also, it has taken a lot of looking at myself (taking my own inventory, so to speak) and working on myself/ my own issues. And I had to trust that he was doing the same– working on himself/ his issues.

Good luck, and I know you can do it! It’s so worth it. HUGS

Post # 22
Member
177 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

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@JenniMichele: I really enjoyed reading your post. I think a lot of us can learn a thing or two (or 9!) from your words. Thanks for taking the time to let us know what works for your relationship. I hate when my Fiance walks away from our fights…like literally out the door. Taking a few minutes to collect your thoughts is a much better and healthier option!

Post # 23
Member
159 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: January 2010

I think you are doing the right thing be seeking out professional help.  That being said, if you think you are going to fail, you will most certainly do so.  Try hard again again and again to make it work – especially considering those issues you mentioned should be easy to work through TOGETHER.

Post # 24
Member
163 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

I would like to agree with

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@aruka11–it’s not the fact that you fight that’s the problem, it’s HOW you fight. It has taken me a long time to learn how to fight better. My husband and I have been together for 7 years (married for only 1 month) and in the beginning, we would have horrible, stormy fights like the one you’re describing. And I could be so mean in these fights, yelling, trying to hurt his feelings or saying dramatic things just to get a reaction. But over time we have both gotten better at this–we still fight every once in a while of course, but I try really hard to not say things I will regret, to not attack his character, to stop being so critical, and to do little things like touch his arm while we are in a fight, make jokes, or say, “I understand how that made you feel”…things like that. It sounds cheesy but it has made a big difference. Our fights are hardly ever big, angry, mean blow-out fights any more. We still have disagreements but during them there is just a lot more love there.

One book that really helped me (you might have read it already) is John Gottman’s book “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.” He is a big proponent of the idea that everyone fights, and that every single couple has a number of unresolvable issues between them. But how they approach these differences, and how they fight, is a big predictor of marital happiness and success. I highly recommend it.

Anyway, I think that it’s normal to fight even though you’re a newlywed and also to feel freaked out by being married. I wonder how old you are, and if that has something to do with you saying that you might not have been ready? Anyway, don’t be too hard on yourself and don’t think that you’ve made a mistake. You obviously love each other a lot. Even if you weren’t “ready” to get married you can still have a happy marriage!

Post # 26
Member
3761 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

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@JenniMichele:  That was put really well!  Those are some great tips described really well there.  I would say at least 50% of those apply to my husband and I! 

 

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@nature_girl:  It sounds like you guys have a great relationship.  One book I read said that every morning you should wake up and ask yourself, “Do I still want to be married to him”. Keep that in mind that every morning there is a logical reason that you made the choice to marry him and you are continuing to make that choice. 

Post # 27
Member
59 posts
Worker bee

i totally second John Gottmans book, “Seven principals for making marriage work.” My husband and I are going through that book and it is a real eye opener! it really has revealed to me some danger areas in our relationship but by identifying them, allows me to stop behaving a certain way that can create tension between us. 

and like the other bees said.. don’t worry, you’re not alone. my DH and i fight alot too.. ESPECIALLY when travelling.  i saw a counselor for awhile (although my DH didnt ) but even in those few sessions she helped me to digest some things that have helped us with how we relate to one another. (similar to another bee, we have tried to eliminate the yelling in our fights because its toxic to me and doesn’t accomplish anything.)

Post # 28
Member
968 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

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@JenniMichele: Thanks so much to typing this out! Like other bees have already said, you really managed to explain things very clearly and every point is helpful. I copy and paste things into my stickies that I want to be able to refer to later, and your post is one of them. ๐Ÿ™‚

Post # 29
Member
2239 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

Oh gosh, I think you’re really brave to be thinking about these tough things and posting them. First off, I think you guys sound pretty normal. My fiance and I have lived together almost three years now, and the first two years we had some awful, awful fights. I’d threaten to leave almost once a week. At least! To be honest, we might not have stayed together and worked through some of our tough issues if I hadn’t totaled my car at the beginning of 09 and been more dependent on him to get around. 

I also think its pretty normal to have your doubts before the wedding. You don’t say how old you are, but I’m 23 and some of the what-ifs that have crossed my mind are related to my age, what I might miss, how we will grow together instead of apart, etc. I worry about it…but I’m a worrier by nature ๐Ÿ™‚

Again, mostly what you guys are going through sounds really normal to me…Don’t stress yourself out too much about it.

Post # 30
Member
903 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

My husband and I argued during our five-day honeymoon and argued a lot during our first year, but a lot of our problem was learning how to communicate what was going on and what we were feeling and how to “fight well” (in the sense of how to address disagreements without letting them explode). It’s been a learning process, but if you’re both willing to work on it, it gets better, I promise!

And from what I’ve heard, that’s absolutely normal for the first year of marriage. It takes time and work to begin to mesh your lives together.

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