(Closed) Maybe I'm old fashioned….

posted 7 years ago in Waiting
Post # 17
Member
1443 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I am a bit on the fence with this one.  I can see why some people want to wait and date for years, but I can also see why some might need more of a commitment sooner.  Personally, I don’t see anything wrong living together before marriage; that’s what I did the second time around.  However, I feel sometimes that younger Bees are shamed for wanting to get married young or wanting that ring on their finger before they move in together.  Just as some women want to start their career before thinking of marriage, some women want to settle down and get married.  To each her own. 

Post # 18
Member
1589 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

Women have choices these days too. Maybe the woman doesn’t want to get married at that point so when they discuss it as a couple, because they’re equal, she says she’s not ready. 

And if she is, and he’s not, she can choose to move on. 

OP you say your brother is ready to get married and he isn’t even dating. That may not be so great to the woman because he may want to marry her just to get married, not because of who she is. That’s no good either. 

Post # 19
Member
9129 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA

@VikingPrincess:  I’ll answer your follow-up question with the specifics of my circumstances.  I will say, you should be aware that your initial post comes across as quite judgemental.

In my instance, my guy was not interested in marriage until recently, primarily for financial reasons.  To him, getting married meant committing to being the head of a family, and he was not ready for that in his 20s.  (Regardless of the fact that we aren’t starting a family any time soon, and he’s not a macho guy at ALL… he still felt that way quite strongly.)  In our 20s we were in college, more college, graduate school, travelling, working short-term jobs in competitive fields, etc.  Not in careers with decent paychecks or living in the same place for more than ~3 years.  Not the appropriate situation for settling down into family life.

Some people may not equate getting married with “settling down”, but we both did.  Hence why we waited.  I’m 31 and he’s 33, we both have careers, we bought a house last year, and we’ll start trying for a family in a couple years.  Now is the perfect time.  If I had been someone who wanted to marry early, obviously this relationship would not have worked.  But it’s been an awesome ride and things just keep getting better…

Post # 20
Member
920 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

it also is different for people who fell in love at a young age… if a couple starts dating at 16, and don’t want to get married until they are 27, that’s essentially 11 years unmarried. many people don’t need an engagement or even a marriage to have that special feeling with someone and to feel committed. 

Post # 22
Member
3276 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I kind of agree. Fiance and I started dating at 17 and 19 and he proposed right before our 2 year anniversary when I was 19. We were best friends in high school before we ever dated. For me it’s kind of like when you know, you know there is no reason for us to wait. We’ll both finish college before the wedding, already own a house and 2 cars so why wait? It’s not like that for everyone but I wouldn’t wait much longer for him to propose and essentially “waste my time” if I knew it wasn’t going anywhere serious soon. Just my perspective. 

Post # 23
Member
3803 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

My bf and I started dating when we were 20.  Pretty early on in our relationship we had a discussion about what age we ideally wanted to get married. I said 25 and he said around 27 or 28. I knew I wanted to finish grad school before I got married too, so that has always played a role. Ive also told him i dont want a really long engagement…nothing over a year or so. We will likely get engaged before the end of the year which would put us at 5 years of dating. I don’t think it’s dishonorable to wait to get engaged if you’re both on the same page. Communication is key so neither person feels like they’re being misled. 

Post # 24
Member
444 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I think the OP is talking about guys who string girls on for 7-15 years. Not people who are moving through the relationship on the same wavelength, who are together for 7-15 years before marrying.

And yeah OP I agree it’s a dick-ish thing to do, to know from the beginning or near beginning of the relationship that your girlfriend wants to get married, but not give any definitive answers for years on end. But at the same time I think any girl who is WAITING that long (notice I said waiting, I am definitely not talking about people who are happy in a long term relationship and who are not waiting) is kinda silly. I don’t think I could do it. A couple of years, maybe. But 7-15. Who are these people?

Post # 27
Member
477 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

@VikingPrincess:  I personally didn’t take it judemental because I understand what your talking about. However I learned through my own relationship tht me and my SO fell HARD we “knew” but honestly we were to immature then and we needed to grow to make it were we are. I didn’t put myself as a waiting bee until we went ring shopping and started to seriously talk about getting married and saving to get married. I agree with you on some things because like i said my Future Brother-In-Law has been with his gf 13 years and she wants to get married sooo bad it’s sad and all of my SO’s family knows how bad she wants to but his brother doesn’t seem to be rushing to wed. In that case i would run fast and far.  I respect those tht have an agreement and are happy with their relationship. With that said me SO and I and our families are very traditional i.e not livnig together before marriage, waiting to have kids in marriage,etc.  I like to have freedom in my own relationship so i try not to judge how others choose to have theirs.

Post # 28
Member
1075 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@VikingPrincess:  Why is it anyone else’s business whether or not a man is “wasting a woman’s time” or not? Shouldn’t that be left up to the man and the woman in the relationship?

I agree with you, everyone’s circumstances are different, but allow me to make a sweeping generalization of my own: those who are impatiently “waiting” are disrespectful to what used to be the man’s right to propose when he is good and ready.

Hey, I’m old-fashioned too. And that means that I believe every woman who isn’t on a specific timeline due to illness (or whatever else that constitutes a GOOD reason), needs to trust that their man isn’t an idiot, and will propose when he deems it is the right time.

However, that’s not to say that couples can’t have discussions about proposals. 

I second a PP above who said they never “waited”. I was with my now-FI for 6-7 years before he proposed; we were 26 when he popped the question. But you know what? I didn’t care. Because I didn’t love him any less when we were just dating. I knew that I wanted to spend my life with him, and spending our lives together began with our first date; it doesn’t begin with our wedding day. 

Post # 29
Member
199 posts
Blushing bee

well it looks like i am looking at a different glass here. after almost 8 years of dating, i find it more honorable fr a man to want to give me the moon. If that means waiting ten more years for steady income/schooling finished, so be it. I am not the kind of woman that believes marriage is the only commitment. If you want to bitch out men thatg string women along, then start a post that explicitly asks that.

Post # 30
Member
693 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

@VikingPrincess:  But I get really upset when I see women waiting for 7-15 freaking years for a proposal.

Why does someone else’s situation make you so upset? I don’t think it’s anyone’s place to judge how long a relationship should last before a proposal happens.

Post # 31
Member
126 posts
Blushing bee

I really think it depends on the circumstances. My partner was only 16 when we started dating, so we had to grow into adults before considering marriage. We won’t have been together for 7 years when we get engaged – closer to 5. But still, if we started dating younger, the wait would definitely be longer.

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