(Closed) Maybe I'm old fashioned….

posted 7 years ago in Waiting
Post # 32
Member
3370 posts
Sugar bee

@VikingPrincess:  I get what you’re saying. And I don’t understand it either. I just couldn’t wait that long, I know way too many girls who waited years for nothing.

Before anyone jumps on me, I’m talking about girls who are actually ready and waiting. Not girls who aren’t thinking about marriage or girls who started dating the guy when they were 12. I’m not judging their situation, not looking down on them, I’m just saying I don’t know how a girl waits umpteen years without even so much as a ring.

Post # 33
Member
472 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I don’t understand why you wouldn’t date till you’re ready to get married, mainly because I don’t understand till you know when you’re ready.

I’ve had some relationships lasting 3+ years where the thought of marriage never crossed my mind. In fact I wasnever particuarly keen on getting married at all, that was until I started dating my Fiance. My cousin has been with his girlfriend for 12 years and they have 2kids, neither of them see the need for marriage. Likewise my friend has been with her Boyfriend or Best Friend for 9 years and it us only the last few months that she’s thought about marriage.

Marriage just oesn’t have the importance for many as it used to.

Post # 34
Member
55 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

@Bubbles42:  Same can be said for many women. How many ladies out there are already planning their wedding and have no long-term Boyfriend or Best Friend. Some will hook up with some random guy they met at a bar and then it grows into a relationship (good or bad), but then in 2 years, she expects a ring and proposal. Then she’s upset that he’s not ready to commit.

Post # 35
Member
8439 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

I guess I’m not as old fashioned as I thought lol.  I don’t really think of marriage being the end all be all of relationships; I dated people for fun, for the experience.  I really didn’t care if it ended in marriage or not.  I imagine if you’re focused on “getting married” then dating would be incredibly stressful, like a string of job interviews.  Definitely not my cup of tea.

Post # 36
Member
9681 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

@Hyperventilate:  +1, that was the case with my first Fiance. I’m not sure if anyone feels they are putting their lives on hold or if they just feel like they are having a relationship with someone. Not every relationship needs to end in marriage, and not every woman is a shrinking violet waiting for it to happen 😛

Post # 37
Member
2854 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

I just got engaged this month, after being with Fiance for 7 years. We started dating when we were 18, so if you count our “adult” relationship as starting after graduating college, it’s only been 3 years. I was waiting for a couple years, but Fiance wasn’t ready until this year. However, I never felt like I was wasting my time. I knew he loved me and wanted to be with me, he just needed to come to that realization on his own. Finally we had that wonderful discussion where we were both ready, and started the ring shopping business and then he offiically proposed. Looking back, I’m glad he waited until now. I don’t think we would have been quite ready to get married back when I first got the itch!

Post # 38
Member
73 posts
Worker bee

Hi OP. 

I don’t think your post was offensive it’s really your opinion and a legitimate question. You already recognize that each circumstance is different. As such let me tell you about mine as Boyfriend or Best Friend and I have been sating seven years now. 

We started dating when I was 19 and Boyfriend or Best Friend was 27 so we caught a lot of flack for the age difference. Since I was so young, marriage was not on my radar at all. I went through college and got a stable job before moving in together 4 years later. When marriage finally started to be something we were both considering, the economy crashed and both of our jobs in the financial sector were relocatted and eventually lost. 

We’re just now, at 7 years, going through some things together that many married couples never have to experience (thank goodness). Job loss, depression, relocation, financial woes, and family drama. If I had a ring on my finger and piece of paper in hand I don’t think it would change the fact that we’re still learning about each other and there for each other.  My brother is now getting married after 10 years of dating. SO’s brother is getting divorced after marrying fairly quickly (3 years) in my mind. I think being with someone longer before making that commitment to see if this is a person you could spend the rest of your life with is honoroble in it’s own way. How can you be sure of someone when you’ve only seen their highs and never their lows? 

Post # 39
Member
708 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

I’m with you, but like everyone else has said, everyone’s different! Even in one little family. My SO and I have been together 5.5 years and we’re ready to get engaged and married. The only reason we’ve even held off this long was because we met so young (18) and needed time to grow up and become our own people. My sister and her SO have been together almost 9 years (they met at 18 as well) and despite having been together so much longer than us, aren’t even really thinking about marriage. Do I think it’s weird? Yes, but it’s not my relationship so I don’t really say anything. I think it’s a different story if one person (usually the woman) is really, truly waiting for a proposal, but it seems like in most of the relationships I know of, including my sister’s, that’s not how it works. If I was truly waiting for a guy for 9 years…well, f*** that, but if it’s a mutual decision, that’s different.

Post # 40
Member
95 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

……I guess i still don’t understand the concept of ‘waiting’. It’s difficult not to laugh when women make it sound like they are putting their lives on hold waiting for this particular person to make up their mind on whether or not they want to marry them.

You wait for the ring to ship to you, yes. 
You wait for him to decide where he wants to propose? sure. 
You wait for enough $$ to be saved up? Understandable.

but actually…waiting…for a glimpse of hope? And don’t get me started on the walk dates. 

If the man says “I want to marry you”, then you’re waiting for the above mentioned things to happen. If you’ve been with him for 7 years, and nothing has happened…maybe it’s time to ask if it’s ever going to happen. Unless of course said man has no idea that you’ve created a whole wedding/marriage in your head and are waiting for him to read your mind….

Post # 42
Member
2587 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2014 - UK

@barbie86:  This is basically the same as me – we got engaged about two months before our 6 year anniversary, and I wasn’t expecting it for another two years.

Post # 43
Member
2854 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

@lillyhere:  I think that’s a little unfair. Are you taking age into consideration here? That can definitely be a factor, although it can also go hand-in-hand with finances. I was with Fiance for 7 years before he proposed. We’re 25. I may have been ready a few years ago, but I think he was smart not to propose at 22 or 23. So yes, I was waiting for the moment that he was ready as well. But as I said in my above post, I never felt like I was putting my life on hold while I waited for him to come to the realization that he was ready–I knew he wanted to be with me, he just had to get there in his own time.

Post # 44
Member
644 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@VikingPrincess:  I’m pretty offended by the assumption in your post that the man is making the women wait. It’s entirely possible that the WOMAN was not ready to get married. Or that neither were ready. Or some other explanation entirely. People are free to make their own choices based on what works for them and their life. 

Post # 45
Member
95 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@pineapplez17:  but you weren’t waiting for 7 years for him to propose..? That’s the difference. Dating is one thing, but putting so much pressure on a relationship where two people are steering in different directions is a problem. 

Post # 46
Member
4522 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

Regarding men who “string women along for 7-15 years” with no intention of getting married, at *some* point that woman stops being this ‘victim’ and starts being a participant.

I do not believe that for 10+ years this hypothetical woman had *no* idea this man didn’t want to marry her.

 

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