(Closed) Maybe I'm old fashioned….

posted 7 years ago in Waiting
Post # 77
Member
361 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

@lillyhere:  +1! I completely agree with everything you said! 

Post # 78
Member
149 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

There is definitely a downside for women that does not exist for men when it comes to dating for more than 3 years with no proposal IF they are either over a certain age (25-30), from a higher socioeconomic class where it matters, or from a region of the world/country where that is the norm.   The man is portrayed like George Clooney while the woman is portrayed like Jennifer Aniston.  Truth hurts but it is what it is.

Even Kate Middleton was nicknamed “Waitie Katie” when she was with Prince William for over 7 years with no proposal.  Eventually she broke up with him and he got the message and soon after proposed.  The same thing happened with Jessica Biel and Justin Timberlake.  They dated about 4-5 years.  She got fed up with waiting and left.  He convinced her to come back and soon after proposed and married her.

The key is that in these cases, like OP said, the woman had made it clear that marriage was what she wanted.  If you’re a woman, who despite being near or over 30 and with your SO for more than 3 years, you still could care less about marriage then this doesn’t apply to you.  But personally, I have not met many women of that age who are blissfully happy in the US at least, to be with a man indefinitely without the legal and societal approval that comes with marriage.

VikingPrincess, I truly believe that if you truly want to be married and your SO is not ready, you need to set your own quiet deadline and then just let him know that you two can keep in touch but you’d like to open up your dating options like Kate and Jessica.  It’s not fair to either one of you if you are having to make a sacrifice that he doesn’t but he shouldn’t feel pressured either.  Getting rid of the exclusivity once you reach your unannounced deadline is the best way to not feel shortchanged or like you wasted your time  IMO.

Post # 80
Member
350 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@li612:  THIS!

 

My now husband and I had BOTH been engaged when we were younger….and we started as friends with benefits, then moved in together, then bought a house two years later…..

Before buying the house we talked about wedding versus house…..we wanted a house, a MUCH better investment…..

THEN, my now husband wanted to make sure we were financially stable and able to afford to pay for our own wedding (including my gorgeous rings) in CASH…..which we did….

We have been together 10 years and just got married on July 6th…and I would not have done it any differently…..we have basically been married for 10 years already (common law), and we finally decided to have the big party…

 

I think people need to remember, there is a difference between wanting a MARRIAGE and wanting a WEDDING….

a marriage lasts a lifetime…a wedding is one day….

Post # 82
Member
135 posts
Blushing bee

@Kimberley25:  +1

I think that everyone matures at different times and gets married when they are ready. Being ‘ready’ means different things to different people too. I know a couple that got married young when they werent ‘financally ready’ because the husband was going into combat and wanted her to be his wife no matter what happened. They now have been married five years and have a wonderful relationship. Younger or older who cares, honestly it doesnt bother me either way. Not like my life will change if a 16 year old gets hitched… 

Post # 83
Member
345 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@VikingPrincess: As a woman who was willing to wait 7 years for my Fiance to be ready, I can understand some of the pain you’re talking about. I KNEW I wanted to marry my Fiance after 3 months together. But he is the type who can’t commit to weekend plans until Friday night – he likes to keep his options open and is afraid of rushing into anything.

It was frustrating at times, but I was confident in what we had. And confident that it would happen, eventually, if I was patient. And nothing I could do would make him ready faster. He was always honest about the fact that he felt like he had some growing up to do first. He wanted to finish grad school, pay off his student debt before asking me to share his finances and take on MY student debt. I respect that.

I’m glad I waited, because he is worth it. I get to spend the rest of my life with my best friend. I’m a lucky girl. 

Post # 85
Member
128 posts
Blushing bee

@VikingPrincess:  I agree. Personally, I always said  that under any circumstance a wait should be no longer than 2 years… Now a days I sometimes think even that is too long. I think you know early on whether you’d marry the person. At a certain point marriage should come up in some context even if it’s just to be clear that neither are looking for it. If you aren’t ready and just want to date- I get it…but to stick around waiting- I’d never. I wouldn’t demand or mention it either…That is to say we have already spoken about marriage. I’d be gone. I know I might be attacked for my beliefs but they are mine. I would never be able to wait longer. What’s right for me may not be right for you- that’s all. 

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