(Closed) Maybe I’m too sensitive but…

posted 10 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 17
7691 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2010

Many guests who RSVPed no did not write anything on their card. While it would have been nice, I dont think that I would have thought to do something like that if I were a guest and hadnt just planned a wedding. Also, does it really matter why someone is not coming? Focus more on the “yes’s” and how much fun you will have with that group of people!

Post # 18
5496 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2010

I’m with the OP that I think a close family member should at least jot down a little note or email or call. I don’t feel this way because I think it is proper etiquette, but just think it would be a nice thing to do since it is close family. Now a friend or distant family member could just check the “no” box on the invite, but I, too, would love to hear from a close family member if he/she couldn’t attend! Perhaps she will call soon. If not, give her a call?

Post # 19
47432 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

View original reply
@UpstateCait: We can’t project our family situation on anyone else.

The OP’s close family member could have any number of reasons for not attending that she chooses not to share. Maybe she has an abortion scheduled for that day, or ECT for depressioon she has not divulged, or she has to make a court appearance. I know these are extreme examples but just because we invite someone to a wedding, or any other social occasion, does not require they tell us the reason they are not attending.

She was polite enough to RSVP in a timely manner. That is all that is required.

Post # 20
711 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

I agree with Julies. Although I did get messages from most of my “nos” written on the back of their RSVP some just checked the no. I don’t feel that I am owed an explanation. These are all adults and I don’t think it is appropriate to treat them like children who are required to give me an explanation for a response that I don’t like (that is how I would feel if I found out a bride was upset because I didnt give her a long explanation). Maybe she has an embarrassing reason for not being able to make it. Just stick her in the no pile and get back to being excited about all the yesses.

Post # 21
10283 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011

View original reply
@julies1949: Again, it all depends on the family dynamic. While returning the RSVP was all that was “required”, an explanation is expected from certain close family members. You may not feel that it is necessary but in my family, an explanation is always given. Everyones family dynamic is different though so what may be the norm for my family may be not be the same for yours. 

Post # 22
1267 posts
Bumble bee

I don’t think its necessary at all to call and explain why you aren’t attending.  The RSVP would be pointless if that was the case.  Or you should only have a space to check off ‘yes’ on the RSVP because ‘no’ means you have to call anyway.  What’s the point?


Post # 23
1275 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I don’t think its necessary to call and explain and I’m not expecting that from all my guests but I think if there is a close relationship involved, I would want it acknowledged at some point. No one is entitled to a reason why someone isn’t coming and I don’t think the OP is saying that. This is more about seeing a No on an RSVP and maybe not expecting it and the emotions around it. No, the person doesn’t have to call and say hey I’ve got …. that day and can’t come. I would hope that my close friends or family will let me know ahead of time, “Hey we got your invite but we probably won’t be able to make it,” instead of just finding out through an RSVP. An RSVP is a just a formality and I’m sure the OP appreciates getting them back, but it does hurt when it says No, especially from a close family member who she has been picturing enjoying her day with her. I think its harsh to say that she would be treating them like children because I don’t think shes asking for the reason they aren’t going to make it, just for something a little extra like a phone call or a warning before the rsvp comes back. This is a close family member, not a long lost friend or distant aunt and I think the relationship warrants a little more than checking No. 

Post # 24
5887 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2012

i don’t think it should be expected, but i’m with you- it’s a nice courtesy. 

Post # 26
251 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

i don’t think it is necessary to write anything but i would probably want a personal message/call/text/email too!

Post # 27
2788 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

View original reply
@Mrs. Meowerson: I agree. 

They don’t necessarily need to explain why they are not able to make it, but it would take 30 seconds to write something, like “Sorry I couldn’t make it!” and that nicety goes a long way.


Post # 28
6884 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

There is no set etiquette saying one must provide an explaination why they are unable to come to a wedding. It sounds like you are being oversensitive.  Not saying your feelings are wrong but it shouldn’t be expected for explanination.

Post # 29
50 posts
Worker bee

I agree with the OP. I think that in general when declining an invitation the considerate thing to do is to thank the host for the invitation and offer an explanation for not being able to attend. “I wish I could be there, however… (whatever)”. Responding with grace is usually appreciated and leaves everyone feeling good.

OP, maybe in your family member’s case, since the husband is going, they didn’t see it as “declining” the invitation, as one of them will be there?

Post # 30
2054 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2011

We have only gotten two “no”s so far…and BOTH had an explanation on the back stating why they couldnt go and best wishes…I do the same when I cant go to a wedding…i think its just courtesy. A simple “sorry Im not going to be able to make it but we wish you all the best” is not asking for too much IMO!

so yeah I would be a little upset about it too honestly

Post # 31
39 posts
  • Wedding: August 2011

People may decline an invite for whatever reason they like, and they 100% do not have to share that with you.  As much as you think you want their responses would you really like to hear, I just didn’t feel like it, or I would rather do something else with my time?  I wouldn’t.

People are required to respond either yes or no so that hosts can plan accordingly.  Why they can’t make it doesn’t really matter.

Since the wedding is still a ways out you may also receive a card in the mail congratulating you and wishing you the best.  That may fill the ‘why’ feelings.

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