Maybe marriage isn't in my cards…

posted 6 months ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
981 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2019

pinkglitter2017 :  You are still young!! I split with my ex when I was 26. I hated dating and would go on 2-4 dates a year. Hated everyone I met and thought I would be alone forever.

At 34 I went on one of my forced dates and instantly clicked. A year later we got engaged and we are getting married in 3 months.

Wait for someone who sets your soul on fire, dont just settle for someone youre compatible with.

Dating is exhasting and mostly a waste of time. Dont do what i did – keep going out and meeting people. Its all a numbers game. There are a limited number of people who will work for/with you. Just keep dating until you find them.

But be sure you are 100% secure. Dont be desperate to meet someone or you’ll make bad choices. make peace with being alone and then keep putting yourself out there.

Post # 3
Member
269 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Truly not trying to be snarky, but do you think that (using your words) that being selective AF is doing you in?

i’ve seen many successful relationships come from people discarding their “list” of what their perfect mate MUST have/look like/be like and find love

Post # 4
Member
930 posts
Busy bee

im sorry youre feeling this way, bee. And im sorry youve been through that; it was very cruel of your ex to do that to you. 

I met my SO on bumble…BUT lemme tell you, while I was on there, I didnt go on any dates. That is, except for with my now SO.

I made sure to communicate with them and kinda leave it without speaking for a few weeks. If they reached back out, id continue talking, but I wouldnt try to keep te conversation going for days and days. Id talk with them enough for them to get interested in my personality, and then id stop texting so much so that I knew if they reached back out after awhile, that they were really curious about me. 

 

It’s definitely a process, and i would say give each individual a chance. By The Way my cap on age was exactly my SOs age at the time. And his lower cap on age was my age at the time. Had I put a year younger as my cap, or he a year older, we wouldve never met. Just another thing to think about!

Post # 6
Member
981 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2019

ladama :  Its funny how little things can change our course! I met my fiance on Tinder and Im pretty sure I swiped No on him first… because he wasnt smiling in any pictures (such a pet peeve of mine with mens dating pics — they all look mean and angry). I figured he wasnt a mean person but i guess I read into it like “maybe he isnt a happy person”

Then I swiped right… first thing I notice when I met him was “wow he has a great smile!”

And hes not only nice… but hes the most solid, sweet, thoughtful, and kind person I know. Literally so loving and open in a way Ive rarely experienced.

Sometimes we gotta have an option mind!

Post # 8
Member
981 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2019

pinkglitter2017 :  Ok, so, this is ultimately up to you, but some of the things on your list are really narrowing.

– Never married   Lots of people get married in their 20’s, doesnt make them bad people

– No kids

– 32-38 years old

– College or University educated  I get it, but my fiance is a veteran and makes a very good living without formal education. Hes also super smart and able to stimulate me mentally. Thats actually one of my TOP criteria in dating as Im very intellectual and like discussing deeper/more complex topics

– Longest relationship 4+ years (although I have talked with people with 2, 3 years) Being in a 4 year relationship with someone you dont stay with just shows you likely stayed with someone longer than you should have after you kind of knew they were wrong. I think 1.5-2 years is more normal range

– Obviously has to be some sort of attraction

 

Youre not being totally unreasonable but a few of your criteria are likely to eliminate a lot of good guys. Throw out the list. Go by your feelings.

Post # 9
Member
6814 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

pinkglitter2017 :  Is there a reason you have all those dealbreakers? You’re 32 and not willing to date anyone younger (again: why?)…but also won’t consider anyone that’s been married before or has kids. The kids I can understand, but married? A lot of guys in their 30s have been married, why immediately hold that against them? Also, you say you’re unwilling to date someone whose longest relationship was over 4 years…but you dated someone for 10. Why are you putting these silly restrictions on yourself? The fact is that when you’re older, a lot of the dating pool is going to have baggage and failed relationships in their past. You have baggage yourself! Does that make you unworthy of a chance? Of course not! 

So yes, I do think one of the problems here is that you’re being “selective AF.” My husband is definitely not what I had imagined for myself. But here we are, 8 years together and ridiculously happy. He was a high school dropout too and yet somehow we make it work. 

ETA: I might’ve misunderstood the “longest relationship 4+ years” part, are you saying they have to have had that long of a relationship previously? Again, I feel like you’re just throwing out these weird, restricting limits that don’t really make sense. So what if they dated someone else for 4 years? 

Post # 10
Member
981 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2019

pinkglitter2017 :  Tinder WAS a hookup app but not its also a dating app. Just be clear with your intentions. Lots of men who want relationships may also be open to a hookup, many women feel the same way. Tinder is just a way to connect with new people.

Be honest and dont be gullible of course, but no reason to avoid Tinder. I connected pretty instantly with my fiance mentally and emotionally but we didnt have sex until our 5th date. I knew he was special and didnt want to rush/confuse it by hopping into bed. He was genuinely interested in me and also didnt push it. We just enjoyed getting to know eachother and it happened naturally.

Post # 11
Member
276 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

I understand wanting to be selective, but you’re limiting your options unnecessarily by saying you won’t date a guy whose been married before. 

Post # 12
Member
1631 posts
Bumble bee

Your criteria is sort of strange. Why does he need to have been in a 4+ year relationship that didn’t end in marriage? 

Look everyone can have whatever criteria you want, but you have to make sure it’s actually correlated with what will make you happy and I’m not sure that’s the case here. 

What s wrong with guys on bumble admitting that they delete and recreate? I don’t see the issue with it? Is there something about this behavior that makes you think he will be a bad partner…?

And why not date a guy who is 30?

 

Post # 13
Member
2218 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2019 - Chateau Lake Louise

pinkglitter2017 :  So

I was THIRTY EIGHT when I met my FH. I was single for a lot of my 20’s and 30’s after an early marriage.  I have a 2 pronged approach. It took me a long time to develop, but it was ultimately successful.

1. Open yourself to a variety of new experiences

2. Focus on being emotionally prepared for the relationship you want to have

 

#1 – I dated a lot. A REAL LOT.

I think being picky is a 2 edged sword. You don’t want to waste your time, or expose yourself to unpleasant experiences, but being COMPLETELY SURE you know exactly what you need in a partner can paint you into a corner socially that makes it feel like you will never meet someone who meets your criteria. 

I would ease up a little. Instead of seeing every potential candidate as the possible next love of your life, try seeing them as someone you might find interesting. Someone whose company you might enjoy. Someone who might teach you something. People don’t have to be “ideal” to be worth your time. 

Getting out and socializing, even if it doesn’t become a romantic relationship is good for you. It can help introduce you to new people and experiences. It might also help redirect your focus away from a super serious end goal of finding a life partner, and broaden it to enjoying the life you already have in a way that makes finding that person more likely. 

#2 – Become the kind of person you need in your life.

To have the best outcomes, you want to be truly ready to invite someone into your emotional space. If you still have lingering pain and anguish about your previous breakup, it might be that even if you DID meet the right person, things might not work out if you aren’t truly in a position to meet someone with an open heart. It can also skew your sense of what you deserve, or ought to tolerate from a romantic partner. That might be part of why your last relationship was with someone who didn’t treat you as well as you deserve. 

Give yourself all the love, attention, and support you would otherwise be lavishing on a partner. Being happy and emotionally healthy attracts happy emotionally healthy people. Also, you’ll just be happier with the life you HAVE, while you are living it, instead of deferring all the joy in your life until a potential partner MIGHT show up in your life. 

You have plenty of time. Just try and relax. Focus on loving the life you have, and it becomes more likely you’ll find someone to share it with. 

Hang in there. 

Post # 15
Member
6641 posts
Bee Keeper

Yeah, IMO your list is too strict. Crossing off people with previous marriages, younger than you, not having a degree, and judging the length of previous relationships is all too much. Open these up and I bet you’d get a lot more. 

eta – you keep trying to defend your restrictions, but obviously it’s not working for you. Why not try something different, even for 3 months and see what happens? If you happen to “click” with someone who’s longest relationship was 3.5 years, who cares? 

eta2 – I just saw in your other thread that you’re unemployed. I wonder if that is turning people off as well? 

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