Maybe marriage isn't in my cards…

posted 4 months ago in Relationships
Post # 31
Member
728 posts
Busy bee

 jellybellynelly :  I think some of her criteria are reasonable. For example, with respect to kids, she may be CFBC or be concerned the child’s other parent may limit their opportunities as a couple. I do also think the requirement of having a degree is entirely reasonable. A degree is a minimum requirement for many stable careers and speaks to a level of intellectual curiosity. Obviously, there are exceptions – say if they dropped out to pursue an ultimately highly successful business.

pinkglitter2017 :  That being said, I do think you should consider each of the criteria and the reasons behind each, and whether the initial criteria could be relaxed in favor of a more nuanced assessment. Also, I’d recommend getting involved in a club or volunteering; in that way you meet people who have similar interests and the objective is not solely on finding a partner.

Post # 32
Member
269 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

teamroro :  +1 to so many of your points!

When I got back out there after a divorce, I was truly blown away by how many great men were out there!

I met guys who
-didn’t go to college, but owned their own businesses and were successful and smart

-had degrees from all over – John Hopkins, Harvard, Yale, you name it. Masters, and even a couple with PhDs.

-10 years older than me, or 5 years younger

-some married and divorced, some not in a relationship for years

-from many different races and cultures

I didn’t click with them all, obviously, but that doesn’t mean they were not wonderful men that I totally hope that they found their match!

So many great catches out there, but I was like @teamroro – I went in with the mentality of going out a date to just meet/see a person, and if I liked their company, maybe go out again. I had 2 relationships doing this, and honestly, neither one (including my current husband) did I automatically just *click* with on the first date, but  it was good enough to continue to see the person until I really fell for them.

I also had a close friend who had strict criteria too. She is very tall, only wanted someone taller than her. Wanted someone who had a college degree, never married, etc etc. She online dated and eliminated SO MANY people before even a first date, just based on their profile. Then she had one too many one night at the bar and BOOM. Got chatty with this guy who was shorter than her, divorced, 8 years older, didn’t finish college yet ran a successful insurance agency…. and they have been married happily for 5+ years with 2 kids. 

Post # 33
Member
885 posts
Busy bee

I totally know where you are coming from. I spent a lot of time on online dating apps feeling like I would never meet ‘the one’. I would go on tons and tons of dates and talk to hundreds of guys and most times it never got beyond one conversation. I was exhausted and anxious. And it didn’t help that I knew there were men that were interested in me that I wasn’t interested in for various reasons, and so if I ever complained about it I would hear, well why not so and so? :/ 

I learned a couple of things. First of all, it’s easy to be super picky on these sites. A lot of people that I dismiss because they weren’t attractive enough to me would probably be just fine if I met them in real life. Also, in my 20s and early 30s I dated a few models and even though I’m more average I think it skewed my perception of what was attractive and what was appropriate for me. I had to learn to give people more of a chance where looks were concerned. 

Second of all, you are being pretty picky in my opinion. I don’t think I’ve dated anyone my age or older in YEARS, except 1 and that didn’t work out. Everyone else has been 1-5 years younger, and honestly it really doesn’t matter when you get to this age. So date younger men. Date men who were married before – there are plenty of men who were married in their early 20s, and even if they have been married before they haven’t been to YOU. 

Open yourself up to other experiences. Try just talking to people who you normally wouldn’t talk to and see if something happens. I broke up with someone who met all my criteria on paper to date my now fiance who I never would have thought I’d end up with, but being with him made me so incredibly happy that I knew it was the right decision. Oh, and I just turned 38. So it can happen for you. 

Post # 34
Member
935 posts
Busy bee

To turn the tables a bit, Bee… what if a GREAT guy automatically cut you out of his dating pool because you’ve been engaged before?  He’s a tad too restrictive because he doesn’t know better and says, “I want to be engaged and married to someone who has never been proposed to before so I know we’re both doing it for the first time together.” 

Yeah, that would really suck.  As someone who is headed toward my second wedding, I can tell you: It is a totally different experience this time around.  It is more special.  It is even more special because I know how lucky I am to have gone through divorce and found my true love after everything I went through. 

Also, my SO’s longest relationship was 8 months.  We’ve surpassed that.  He never found the right person and got out of relationships at an appropriate time because he was taking care of himself.  He is a fantastic boyfriend.  He’s emotionally open, independent, financially stable, and has pretty much all the good qualities I could ever hope for.  He is a TOTAL catch who hadn’t found his person until he met me.  Guess who would have felt stupid for counting him out for not having had a super long relationship?  Me!  This girl right here would not have the love of her life. 

 

Stop with your super restrictive list and you’ll get much better options. 

Post # 36
Member
225 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2019

I agree with the Previous posters who are advising to ease up on your requirements. I met my now husband at 34, after a failed engagement and many failed relationships with men who checked off all my list items (didn’t mean they were right for me).

I always envisioned myself with someone with a white collar job, same age or older, and with solid relationship experience. I married a man in a more blue collar field, younger than me, with only 1 serious previous relationship (lasted about 18 months). It turns out he didn’t end up in long relationships because he would end them if he didn’t see them ending in marriage, and he didn’t waste anyone’s time. If I had your same requirements, I’d still be single. 

Post # 37
Member
986 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2019

pinkglitter2017 :  Mate this list….you gotta rethink it. I thought of myself as pretty picky too, but my Fiance is definitely not one of the people I had on my “list” when I was younger. I threw the list away and now I’m happier than ever. To be fair, my list looked very very similar to yours, but I’ll tell you why lists are dumb and only work against you.

– Never married

Dude you’re 32, looking for a 32-38 year old – that box of men is likely to be divorced.

– No kids

As above. This can’t be a deal breaker. How would you feel if a lad blatantly refused to look at you because you had a child? It would be discrimination. But, when it’s a man who has a kid, it’s just a woman being “picky” smh.

– 32-38 years old

Yeah this one is a bit tough. If you don’t want someone divorced/with kids, that 32 needs to turn into a 28. To be fair, I didn’t want anyone who was more than 2-3 years older than me, and Fiance is 5 years older. It’s just how these things happen

– College or University educated

Fiance is smarter than me. More logical than me. Can hold an intellectual conversation as well as me. I have a Bachelors degree, he does not. Education doesn’t mean shit.

Also, he has a good job earning almost $100k (yes, to be fair, I do earn more) a year so no judgements from the career-end of the spectrum

– Longest relationship 4+ years (although I have talked with people with 2, 3 years)

But they’re not allowed to have been married or have kids? Lol girl chill.

– Obviously has to be some sort of attraction

Yeah, that one’s a given and the only thing that should be on your list. 

To cap off  my argument, you can’t cry lonely then systematically list reasons why no one is good enough for you. Like cooommee onnnnnnn

Post # 38
Member
175 posts
Blushing bee

Hello Bee, I feel you on being in your thirties and stressing never finding love again. I’m 35 and divorced for three years so I was about to throw in the towel. I moved overseas for work and just as I was gearing up to come back I met my now SO online. 

I’m very happy he didn’t stop talking to me once I revealed my divorce since he’s never been married. He’s also glad I didn’t discount him since he’s younger than I am. We’d both be missing out big time.

Everyone has their own list, however I suggest you reevaluate one or two things and see what happens.

Post # 39
Member
1667 posts
Bumble bee

I will also add that you should broaden to slightly younger men. I crossed them out when I initially got back into the daring scene because I assumed they wouldn’t be interested in anything more than casual with me, but I’ve been pretty wrong. 

Post # 40
Member
728 posts
Busy bee

sbl99 :  When it comes to romantic relationships, people should have whatever dealbreakers they choose, with the caveat that they acknowledge this limits their pool of prospects.

I would argue “no kids” is a perfectly reasonable dealbreaker for some people (they may not want kids themselves or not want the added complication of kids from another relationship). It certainly would have been a dealbreaker for me. As far as labeling it “discrimination”, people absolutely have a right to discriminate when choosing their life partner. This isn’t a housing or employment opportunity.

Post # 41
Member
175 posts
Blushing bee

odaile1 :  This is a beautiful sentiment. I really appreciate you sharing this!

Post # 42
Member
2867 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

pinkglitter2017 :  There is nothing wrong with being selective but save some of it for character rather than demographics

Post # 43
Member
3093 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2021

Your no kids preference is absolutely reasonable – as someone who does not want children, I would not date guys with kids either when I was single. 

The rest are just unnecessarily rigid. 

Rather than automatically rejecting any guy who has been married before, why not shift your standard to be more about not having crazy baggage instead? Not wanting to get involved with a dude who is still reeling from a nasty divorce is understandable. But not wanting to date a dude who is emotionally available and stable across the board just because he has been married before just limits your potential to meet some really great guys. 

And not having had a 4+ year relationship? What? That is just weird. A lot of people just don’t like to waste their time or others. I was always one of those people. My fiance is the first person I ever dated longer than 6 months…

Education? Instead of being adamant about a certain type of education, why not just leave it as “financially stable and responsible”? 

Post # 44
Member
1050 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2019 - USA

cuppercake :  This happened to me. I didn’t think my husband was my “type” until I actually went out with him. Then I fell in love and married him. We had the same core values (which is really the only important part) but other than that we are completely different people. You gotta decide what is *really* important to you and get rid of the arbitrary stuff. 

Post # 45
Member
3332 posts
Sugar bee

I felt like you at 33-34. Did a lot of soul searching and realized I would still have a great life If I was single forever. Or maybe I’d get married, but not until I was 50. Was I going to sit around and be sad until then? No. I got to a place where I was…..happy. At the time, I was on a dating app but not active. Once I had reached that good place, I responded to a couple guys. Went out with one a couple times. Met the second for our first date. Never went out with anybody else again and married him. 

 

I feel like like once I was in a place where I was happier, more confident, more satisfied with life, I made better choices with who I dated, and with a bunch of luck, met the right guy. 

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