Hey bee, I didn’t read this whole thread, so this may be a repeat. And if it is. It bears repeating anyway: you need to switch things up completely.
Your list presupposes negative outcome. You’ve still got wounds that are having you believe that what you meet will be awful, so your list is basically a guard against that. It is unlikely your mindset will meet with good results.
So what can you do, healing-wise, to believe in good men again?
ill tell you what I did WHILE I was in a very abusive relationship. I felt so trapped –
i learned about, and wrote, this thing called the “be list.”
Get a piece of paper and write a list of every insane thing your ideal partner should have. You should be thinking “this is crazy and impossible, but …” write things you think you’ll never find. Write it all. You should have at least 40 things on that list.
That’s called your dream list.
Then go through each item and ask “if this person has everything but this, could I live with that?” And if the answer is yes, cross it off. List 2 should have about 30 things. That’s your “preferences” list.
Now go through it one more time. Same question for each item. But you need to narrow it down to about 20 things. The last list is called your “be list.”
the next step is: sit in a chair or on a meditation cushion every day, and get yourself in a space where you can FEEL what you will feel when your love is there, walking by your side.
I did this- and for some reason the word I came up with (ok this is cheesy but bear with me-) is “my king.”
i would think “one day I’ll meet my king.” And I felt how it was to be safe, to be laughing with my best friend, to be completely loved as I am, and to love.
Let the feeling flood your body when you find it.
What happened for me was this: the abusive man saw me get happier and happier just going through my daily life, and he grew furious. He accused me of cheating. I told him about my meditation and said, I’m just absolutely knowing how it will feel when I marry my king.
He and I were going to counseling at the time, so I said (and foolishly believed) “maybe it could be you,”
i told him how my king would treat me. With kindness, I shared how it felt.
He flat out said “nope that’s not me,” and fights ensued. I finally had the courage to break it off for good- because he was so certain it wasn’t him- he was so certain he could not simply be kind to me.
Then, later that year, I was in a show directed by my good friend.
My good friend asked me to dinner during a break in the show, and said “I can’t be professional around you any more. I have to tell you, get this off my chest so you can reject me or whatever you need to do, and I can get over this and move back into professionalism. I love you. I see how much love you have to give, and I see your heart, and I want that. I want to be with you. I am your king. I am building for you. I’ve been building all this time, waiting for you, and I didn’t even know it.”
something like that – but mainly – he came out and said he was my king. And this friend had been my example in the world of a truly good man- I’d kept him in my mind when I was in despair – saying – remember good men exist.
Every friend I have told this to was afraid to write their be list, when it came down to it. One said that if a man with all these qualities was available and interested in her, that was too terrifying to contemplate. Another said angrily that she didn’t believe any good qualities could be possible to find, and completely refused to write it.
If you can’t write the list yet, you have healing to do- take yourself on dates and be your own best company until you’re feeling happy and joyful again… whatever you need to do will show up when you actually sit down to write this list.
Oh and also? Embody the things on your list as much as you are able. If honesty is on there, work on being impeccable with your word. If sense of humor is on there, find what it is in life that makes you belly-laugh. And so forth.
It’s actually a lot of fun 😉
and I’ll be marrying him in August – yes there are things I’ve had to grow with, and there were difficult times with him the last 4 years, because life isn’t a fairytale after all, but he’s still the man for me, and I feel that feeling I imagined on my meditation cushion. Always, when he’s by my side, I feel that exact feeling made up of delight, deep safety, a sort of desire to just curl up in his arms and cuddle him nonstop, tenderness, and the feeling has laughter in it, too.
I wish this for you, bee. It took until I was in my 40’s to meet him. Do NOT, at your young age, say “I’m old,” and settle for less – I did that and it led to disaster after disaster of abusive men. I was better off alone, waiting for my king and going about my life finding ways to love my life completely.