Maybe marriage isn't in my cards…

posted 4 months ago in Relationships
Post # 77
Member
2020 posts
Buzzing bee

anonymousbee001 :  I get it, fancy words fancy words fancy words higher education unlocks so much more opportunity yada yada yada. All I was pointing out is that you cannot force your kids to attend college. And by the sounds of it, you’ll give them every opportunity and if they decide not to– you’ll be disappointed. Fair enough, as parents we want whats best for our kids. As parents we also have to let our kids be their own individuals and sometimes / more often than not, that means they choose their own path regardless of what mom and dad demand.

Post # 78
Member
728 posts
Busy bee

fromatoz :  I agree with respect to adults, which is why I didn’t use the word “force” or “require” in the statement you reference; I used “expect”, just as I would expect them to graduate from high school. That being said, as a parent you can choose to finance a four-year degree but not trade school and you can to some extent require them to attend college classes when they are not yet adults.

Post # 80
Member
1182 posts
Bumble bee

Sorry those questions are completely useless and won’t tell you anything that actually matters. I seriously don’t see how the answers to those questions help you. You seem fixated on a guy’s past experience rather than trying to get to know them as a person.

Heres the thing, you can’t ask direct questions hoping to get an answer that give you an accurate indication of their thought process, personality or character. Even worse that you ask them over text because tone and body language make up majority of the message they send. 

I think your strategy to avoid meeting people “unnecessarily “ is doing you a disservice. Some people are not great at engaging over text but great in person, and vice versa. People can lie in text and you can’t tell unless you heard them say it and saw their body language as they say it.

You SHOULD meet as many as you can in person. It could be just over a coffee or lunch, something short, see your initial dynamic and if there’s any attraction. Then proceed accordingly. 

All I used to do online before meeting is to make sure we have something in common, conversation was flowing and isn’t going to be completely boring and I find them somewhat attractive (it’s hard to tell from just photos sometimes, and attractiveness is often mostly in a person’s mannerism).

have you thought about specific behaviour indicators that someone possess the qualities you want? What about red flags that they’re not right for you? For instance:

– someone who treats waiters rudely clearly isn’t kind

– someone who verbally talk about how honest / kind / loyal they are most likely are not (as people who actually are those things just think what they do is normal and not worth talking about much less trying to “sell it” as such)

– someone who are overly apologetic over something small indicates lack of confidence.

– someone who subtly manipulates you or the situation in their favour or make decisions for you without having asked your opinion is an early indicator of lack of respect / even potentially abusive controlling personality  (like changing the plan last minute to “stop by their place to pick something up before dinner” and actually was just hoping it would lead to sex; ordering an ice cream for you without having asked what flavour you wanted) 

– someone who talk about people around them (including their ex) unkindly or are regularly whinging about something or someone on a first date is a no brainer. Next!

– someone who didn’t disclose in their profile OR in our messages before we met that they were actually divorced would indicate some level of dishonesty (though I never specifically ask, it’s a clear option in your profile and most people would disclose it upon messaging at least as it is a material fact that people care about). Maybe if I asked in text he would’ve told me. But that’s not good enough. An honest person with nothing to hide should be volunteering information such as this, again it’s about manipulation. Manipulating facts in their favour. Sorry no thanks.

these are actual examples of behaviour I’ve seen on first few dates and needless to say I didn’t continue to see them. Mind you they all sounded nice in text. They all held bachelor degrees (sometimes higher) and worked professional jobs. They were all single (not divorced, or so I thought with that last example) and within my age range. So really, you don’t know until you meet them in person. One date tells you way more than anything you can get out of via text.

And you see, you get a lot more information when you don’t ask questions and just let them be who they are. And observe. 

Of course, more straight forward questions can be asked after a number of dates such as family goals, once you’ve established a baseline for this person and can tell their “normal” from their “on guard / lying” tone / body language. 

Post # 81
Member
106 posts
Blushing bee

I met my partner on Twitter of all things. I left school at 14 due to stuff and he didn’t go to uni. His longest relationship before me was 11 months and LDR. But when we did meet we really did just click. We moved in quickly and three years down we both have awesome tech jobs (his job has always been good since we met I was working with animals for minimum wage in London) I’ve met folks who seem amazing on paper and what not and when I met them in person never had a single shred of the connection I had with my partner. 

And I didn’t spend our first date quizzing for the right answers. We looked at pelicans and walked for hours. 

The fact is sometimes you need to just open up to meeting someone. I don’t think dating works when stuck in really strict parameters. Love kinda doesn’t work that way. 

Post # 82
Member
838 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

Hi OP, I know you’ve gotten a lot of feedback about your questions, but I also wanted to chime in about the ‘length of past relationship’ one.

Before meeting my Darling Husband, my longest relationship was only 1 year. I spent most of my college years and twenties focused on friendships and higher education (master’s and PhD), and I just didn’t prioritize dating at all! I was growing and living my life and happily single for most of that time. It probably also factors in that I’m pretty independent, and my school/career-building kept me very busy.  (A highly educated or career-focused man like you are looking for might also have prioritized his school and career over dating in his twenties, so could be similar to me in that respect.)

When I eventually decided I wanted a relationship, I started looking for a life partner. I dated quite a few people before meeting Darling Husband, and was usually able to tell pretty quickly that they weren’t the right person for me, and stopped seeing them after a date or two. A couple lasted a few months, the longest was a year. But just because I hadn’t met “the one” yet, doesn’t mean I wasn’t ready for a committed relationship. I met Darling Husband when I was 29 and he was 33, and we’ve been together almost 7 years now, married almost 4. I’m glad he didn’t have an arbitrary cutoff for how long my previous relationship had to have been!  

Post # 83
Member
412 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2005

I second the college education with a bachelors degree being a requirement. My husband has no degree whatsoever. He dropped out of college after realizing he was only going for his parents and not because it was his passion. 

My husband wanted to work with dogs. So he trained dogs, first as a civilian, then for the military, and then as a cop. While working with the military, he worked at the White House for 8 years coordinating dog teams for the Secret Service.  I call that pretty amazing to put on a resume. 

Im a college grad. I have two degrees, and yet they pertain to nothing that I am currently doing. Not everyone is cut out for college, like my son, who isnt going to college at the moment. He is headed off to the Navy and then will complete college when he finally settles on something he likes. 

I think one of your questions should be something like this. Have you ever volunteered to help those less fortunate?

Are you close to your family? 

Whats your favorite outdoor activity…

The questions you currently have sound more like you are interviewing an employee instead of a potential partner. Its sort of not the same thing. I think you are stuck on the clinical and linear approach as opposed to just letting things happen naturally. 

Post # 84
Member
1182 posts
Bumble bee

ya I should mention, as it seems the dating criteria aspect has been the focus, let’s not forget that 32 is still young to start over and with a very good chance of meeting the right person and have kids. I know quite a number of women who met their partner in their mid to late 30s (often after a divorce in their late 20s to early 30s because they had been with their ex’s for 10+ years and didn’t want to just “throw away” all those years, so they married their ex and within a year got divorced). Then had kids in their late 30s. Oldest I know was 39 when she had her child. Another lady I know is 34 and just got divorced last year, now dating a much more compatible guy and moving in the right direction. 

All that is to say, relax, you have plenty of time. The feeling of urgency and desperation will drive you to make wrong decisions, to settle for the wrong men because “what if no one else will be interested in me and this is my last chance?”, “what if I don’t meet someone more compatible?”. Before you know it, you’ve wasted another 2 years with another guy that you knew within the first 6 months wasn’t going to work out but you were too afraid to leave. 

In these times, remember you WILL meet someone more compatible. There are many compatible people out there for all of us. It’s just a matter of time that you meet them. If you’re questioning things, if you’re not completely happy, know that you won’t regret walking away. 

You CAN afford to “waste” an hour on a first date with as many potentials as possible. You can’t afford to waste 2 years and the emotional turmoil on the wrong guy. By being too restrictive as to who you would meet in person for the first time means you create a sense of scarcity for yourself, giving yourself the impression that there isn’t enough guys out there for you and therefore when you meet someone, you’re more likely to overlook or ignore red flags and incompatibilities because he’s one of the few that even qualified to meet in person. Also meeting more people for just a date or two means you get better and better at character judgement and picking up on red flags which does take practice.

 

Post # 85
Member
2457 posts
Buzzing bee

Asking serious questions off the bat sounds like a good way to scare off most normal people. Instead try asking about something they said in their profile, or ask general getting to know you questions. Try to approach dating as something fun for a change. Personally I wouldn’t bring up dating history or life goals until at LEAST a few dates in unless it comes up organically. At that stage you should be trying to figure out basic compatibility, not planning your life with someone. The types of qs I would ask on a dating app/site would be more along the lines of: 

– What are you passionate about? 

– I saw your profile said you like Parks and Rec! Which character do you think you’re most like? 

– How do you like working at X/living in X city? 

– What’s your favorite thing about yourself? 

– If you could go anywhere right now, where would you go? 

– What would you choose for your last meal? 

– What’s your go-to drink? 

Establish a rapport to see if you can hold a basic conversation and then set up a meeting sooner rather than later. Some people just aren’t good at carrying on text-based conversations (and some who are great at it are terrible communicators in person) so I wouldn’t put too much stock in it. 

Post # 87
Member
1667 posts
Bumble bee

If someone asked me those questions over a dating app before meeting me, I would assume the person was desperate to get married and soft of controlling, and ghost them. I urge you to drop them. 

Post # 88
Member
138 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: City, State

My SO and I originally didn’t meet any of each other’s criteria except the attraction bit. I have never been happier then I am now living with him. You need to find someone who matches you and your day to day life. People can grow and change. People can get degrees later in life too! Don’t cross people off your list because their stats aren’t correct. Try to find someone you can just be yourself with and feel comfortable interacting with on a regular day. Dating is really different from your real day to day life.

Post # 89
Member
546 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2018 - Four Seasons Hotel Los Angeles at Beverly Hills

I hear you. I didn’t meet my now husband until I was 31. I’m another girl who was really picky and had a similar type of “ list” to the OP. It kept me single for a very long time. Once I was a bit more open minded and decided to give men a chance who didn’t meet all my criteria on my long checklist, that’s when I met my husband. 

OP, someone already mentioned it but I highly recommend doing “Calling in the One.” Don’t be disappointed if at the end of the program you don’t find the one instantaneously (although many people do soon after), but it’s really helpful in terms of doing the work on yourself to attract the kind of energy that will bring a loving partner. 

Post # 90
Member
302 posts
Helper bee

I always thought that my future partner would be similar to me in that they’d be a) close to their family and b) educated to degree-level. I have a masters and a postgrad but Darling Husband didn’t even finish high school and has no real relationship with his family (all for various reasons beyond his control). He’s not who I thought I’d end up with but I’d still choose him again a million times over.

Those things don’t really matter, but personality traits and life philosphy do.

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