(Closed) Maybe we shouldn’t get married

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
2204 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Wow. That must be incredibly frustrating, especially as you work incredibly hard on top of earning your education.

I don’t know your whole story or what he is like, but if he’s almost 30 and doesn’t have motivation, I don’t when or if he ever will. It sounds like he is comfortable where he is and even with you leaving, he doesn’t care.

You mentioned he is “insecure”…what do you mean by that?

Post # 4
Member
1893 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

You can’t change him. Period, end of discussion.  Individual circumstances might change, but his lack of ambition won’t.  I think that’s all you really need to know. 

Post # 5
Member
5977 posts
Bee Keeper

It sounds as if you already know the answer to the question you’re asking. Don’t get married just because it’s the next step in your relationship. You need to look at your relationship now and ask if you’re happy. If you aren’t, getting married certainly isn’t going to change that at all.

In college, I was together with my boyfriend for 3 years. He had mentioned that after I had left college, would I want to be engaged. While I was thrilled, in the back of my mind, I knew it didn’t feel right. He was lazy, unmotivated and irresponsible. He had gotten into several car accidents that put so many points on his license that he almost lost it. He then couldn’t get a job teaching b/c he was arrested for public drunkeness. That might have pushed me over the edge. I just wasn’t happy, and i broke up with him. It took another 3 years, but I had met my current husband. Looking back, the best thing I ever did was ask myself if I was happy. When I admitted that I wasn’t, that was the beginning of the end for me with him.

I wish you the best in this situation. It isn’t easy to break up with someone you still love, but you really do have to ask yourself if you would be happy putting up with this for the rest of your life. Your answer will tell you if you should get married or not.

Post # 7
Member
44 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2010

hi,

by no means am i an expert on the subject but i can try to give u my best advice.

i was in a relationship just like that when i was 19-24. he made $9 at a crappy job that I had to find him. he didnt even have a GED and had no plans to go back to school or get a better job, oh he talked about it, but never actually DID it. he NEVER helped me clean just sat on the couch like a lump on a log. he was possessive and NONE of my friends liked him. it was a huge contributor to my unhappiness that ultimately led me to break up with him. and it took a long time because i made every excuse in the book.

fast forward to now. im 27 and i met someone great when i was 25, my dream boy, he isnt a perfect person but he is perfect for ME. i never knew this was how relationships could be (ie barely any arguments, happy more than not) and so my advice to you is to leave this guy. his lack of drive alone WILL cause you to resent him. it sounds like you have drive and things will never change if he is already 30. this is his life he has carved out for himself. if you arent 100% sure you want to live that kind of life you have with him now and if you are not happy than by all means do not marry him!! it breaks your heart to think of ending things, but in my eyes its like you are just wasting your time with him when you could be happy and open to eventually being with someone who makes you happy and fits YOU better!!

Post # 8
Member
1498 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I’m sorry you are going through this, but if having a partner who is motivated and ambitious is important to you for the future, than maybe this man is not the right person for you to marry.

Post # 11
Member
4311 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Oh sweetie… don’t stay with him because it breaks your heart to think about breaking up.  You’ve said plenty,  I think reading your own posts will give you the right answer.  I think that the “opposites attract” mantra is not correct.  There is a lot of comfort knowing the person you are going to spend your life with has a lot (not all) of the same goals, drive, ambition, plans as you do.  You can love each other as much as you want, but unfortunately love can’t be the only thing that keeps you together.  Best of luck to you.

Post # 12
Member
322 posts
Helper bee

One thing that I have learned the hard way is that guys do not change unless they want to. We try too often to make them see our point of view (and it’s usually right) or understand why we are upset with what they are doing etc. and the only way they’re going to ever get it is if they get it on their own. It’s interesting because my sister is going through something similar to you right now. Like I have told her, if it is important for you to have someone that will be motivated and will provide some type of financial stability (not make a ton of money but just keep a steady job with a steady paycheck) then you should not marry this guy until he shows you he can do that. Like you said, if you leaving for a few days doesn’t wake him up, not much else will. the only other thing i can think of is if you moved out and separated your finances so that he can maybe realize that he needs to get on the ball and that you won’t just take care of him for the rest of his life doing the housework and everything while also bringing home the bacon! As long as you keep up the status quo, he won’t have a reason to change. You are allowing him to do this by still living with him and taking care of him etc. Because yelling at him or telling him how much you don’t like what he’s doing, even telling him that you can’t marry him if he doesn’t get his act together won’t make him change. Guys respond to actions. You left for a couple days, but he knows you’ll be back…

Post # 13
Member
13096 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2010

Please re-read your own posts …. they will tell you everything you need to know.  You are obviously not happy with this guy and his lack of motivation is never going to change.  But don’t give up on finding the right guy just because he isn’t it.  Leave him, give yourself some time to yourself, and when you least expect it the right guy will come along and you’ll see even more clearly what is so wrong with your current scenario.  Relationships aren’t supposed to be like what you’ve described.

Post # 14
Member
660 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Have I dated the same guys as some of you girls??? Well, I can tell you that I was in a 3 yr. “relationship” with my own “lump on a log” who had NO aspirations and depended on me for SO much. Our relationship was mostly me feeling bad for him and wanting to “take care of him”. I knew this was not a good relationship and knew this was never going to go anywhere and never change. I 5 years ago I made the decision to get him out of my life for good as I knew that the only one who could do something about the situation was ME. Shortly thereafter I met my soon to be husband and have been so happy with him. I can’t imagine you having a good marriage with someone who has the characteristics he holds. As others have said, you already seem to know the answer you just have to make up your mind and be strong and move on. You can only meet the “right” man for you if you make room for him. Good luck!

Post # 15
Member
1331 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2016

You’re right, maybe you shouldn’t marry him.  Just remember, you are not doomed to a life of spinsterhood just because 2 relationships haven’t worked out.  You have a lifetime of love ahead of you, so please don’t think you’re damaged goods.  I’m speaking from experience, my 3rd time is the charm!  Your decision will be hard and painful, but in the end it will be so worth it.  *hugs*

Post # 16
Member
1893 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

It’s not easy by any means, but it sounds like it might be necessary.  Remember that it’s impossible for new doors to open in your life if you refuse to shut the old ones.  Don’t be embarassed about failed engagements.  If anything, a failed engagement shows you are a strong woman who knows what you want out of life and isn’t willing to settle. It’s not like you’ve got half a dozen ex husbands! I’ve had a broken engagement and am so SO grateful I didn’t go through with marrying the loser.  Once you get to the other side of it, you’ll realize you made the right choice.

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