(Closed) Maybe we shouldn’t get married

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 17
Member
2090 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

Why do you want to marry him? (You don’t have to tell us, obviously, but maybe something for you to think about). You shouldn’t get married (or feel pressured to get married) just because you love someone, or because you’ve been with him for x number of years. It’s a partnership for the rest of your lives.

Financial issues are one of the top causes of divorce, and from your posts, it sounds like he’s almost 30 (so, not a kid anymore), has defaulted/is delinquent on his federal student loans, doesn’t have good credit, doesn’t have any/much savings, and doesn’t have jobs with guaranteed hours. And none of these things bother him enough to change them. To me, that doesn’t sound like a good partner. From a practical side, after you are married, a lot of his issues will become your issues. 

It’s a hard situation, but I would suggest definitely sitting down with him and discussing these options, because they won’t go away on their own. Good luck!

Post # 19
Member
11222 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

IMO, a 30 yo man who isn’t motivated to get off his hind end & find himself full time employment, that is a character flaw that will never change.

Granted, it’s rough out there now.  People, my FH included, are taking jobs beneath their skills & education just to be working.  The really good ones will figure out a way to move up or parlay the experience into a better position down the road.  And plenty of people are working 2-3 part time jobs just to keep it together.

Can you be happy knowing work is not important to this man?  If he lacks work ethic now, he will never have it.

The issue is not”him”& will he change.  The issue is “you”.  Are you getting what you need from this relationship?

I’d suggest going for counseling on your own before going with him.  I think you have a lot to sort out on your own.

 

He is who he is.

Post # 20
Member
3165 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

whew! this one’s a doozy. i’ve gotta agree with the other bees, it sounds like you already know deep inside that this relationship isn’t the one. And that’s okay! Don’t be afraid because of 2 failed engagements, there’s still plenty out there and the key is realizing that there is a better match and not just settling on what’s there. a few years ago i was dating a ‘lump on the log’ too for 4 years who had no motivation but loved me more than anything. it was hard to leave, but he had no ambition and would tell me things like he was only going to college for me. i want to be with someone who’s great on their own! and now i am. it was good that i got out of that relationship then because it turns out he was about to propose. so really, don’t get hung up on getting married as being what you ‘should’ do, think about who he is, who you are and if you’re willing to make concessions for how you want your life to be. because as hard as you’ve worked so far, i’m sure it’ll only get harder with this guy by your side and his debts/bad credit associated with your bank account. 😡

Post # 21
Member
493 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

@xshellx2003:  Someone told me years ago that you don’t have to marry rich, just smart and ambitious.  I’m not sure your Fiance has either thing going for him.  Breaking up is the hardest thing to do, but better now than a divorce, right?  It doesn’t sound like he’s a bad person, but it also doesn’t sound like he’s ready for the responsibility of a family either.  And honestly, your Fiance shouldn’t have to be with someone who thinks so poorly of him.  You can do better, and you will!

Post # 22
Member
103 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: February 2011

@xshellx2003: I was going to ask about the possibility of depression before I got to this post.  It’s not my place to make excuses for him, but as someone who’s had a heck of a time finding work, I know all too well the toll it can take on a person’s ambition.  If he really is applying to all these jobs, rejection after rejection can make it harder and harder to want to keep trying.  If I were in your shoes, with the limited info I have, I would definitely look into counseling or medical treatment to separate his stagnation from his real personality, if possible.

Post # 23
Member
11222 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

@xshellx2003:

 

Well, if he is depressed, he can get himself into treatment for that.  There is therapy and medications–but it’s on HIM, not you.

Plenty of people recognize they are suffering from depression & get themselves to the doctor all by themselves.  It’s nice that he recognizes it, but it’s his responsibility to do something about it.  It’s no excuse.

Depression is treatable.  Being lazy is a character flaw.

 

Post # 24
Member
11222 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

A question–do you respect this guy?

 

I know you care for him, maybe even feel sorry for him, but do you feel a deep respect?

Post # 26
Member
605 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I agree with all the other bees who have posted.  It sounds like you have really answered your own question.

 

Obviously none of us are a part of this relationship and therefore, can’t make the decision for you.  But I know in my own relationship, I look for someone who is on the same page as me across many levels, including what we want out of life.  If you are finding that you are doing a majority of the work, and that doesn’t make you happy, do you foresee it changing?  If not, it sounds like a major issue.  If you are ok with that, then that is a decision you need to make for yourself.

 

And don’t be afraid to end things because of public perception.  You need to do what you do for YOURSELF.  Everyone else will come to accept what you do one way or another because they love and respect you.  If they can’t, then their relationship probably wasn’t what you thought it was.

 

Good luck!  Whatever decision you make, I hope its the right one for YOU and you do it for YOURSELF.

 

HUGS!

Post # 27
Member
39 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2011

Send him here and have him read your posts. I think that often when your in an argument it is easier for guys to write off what you are saying as being just because you are mad. If he were to see that this isn’t your way of trying to be mean or win a fight and that you are actually contemplating leaving would his reaction change?

Post # 28
Member
39 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2011

Also, not trying to make excuses for him but from your posts it doesn’t sound like you have alot of respect for him. Are you aware of what you are saying to him and how it is coming out? I know the first time I ask for help around the house I might saying “honey would you please do some laundry today.” by the fifth time I ask it may come out more like “Seriously what did you do today? nothing? I’m glad ESPN is so important that you sit on the couch all day rather then doing anything to help out” I know it’s not nice and I’m working on that attitude thing but I know that if I start acting that way my fiance tends to block me out because I being rediculous. If I can calm down and be respectful he is more receptive and we both end up happier.

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