(Closed) Maybe women really are stupid.

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
7293 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011

@MrsFuzzyFace: I’m not sure!

Its all situational but it probably has to be with being dependent on having a man in life, insecurity, abuse, societies idea that thats just how men are (they cant be satisfied with one woman) , fear of what will happen next etc.

or popular on here- they are engaged and getting married soon, too much stress to call it off. All couples have issues, forgiveness, “working it out”, it was just “one time”, he is so sorry- he will never do it again, he is begging me back, etc

Post # 4
Member
7431 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

@Eva Peron: I agree with this. I mean, look at all the stripper and porn posts on here, and surprsingly, a number of bees believe that every man looks at porn, or wants to go to a strip club, and if they tell you otherwise they are lying. I find that crazy, because I know my husband doesn’t care for either, but apparently that makes him a liar…

Some women just don’t want to end up single, or are too dependent to do anything about it

Post # 5
Member
2539 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

@MrsFuzzyFace: urggghhh this title is kinda mean…..

i have been one of those “stupid” women but my situation was WAAAY deeper then what an outsider would perceive. Alot of women suffer from insecurites, low confidence or depression…all of these things could cause you to turn a blind eye to what is going on.

I have a friend that is going through the same situation….but instead of me calling her stupid, i chose to support her and be there to encourage her because that is what a friend does.

Im sorry you feel that way…and i would pray that you never find yourself in a situation where people might find the need to call you stupid also.

Post # 6
Member
2161 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I remember being in a situation where I was living with someone and things got really rocky.  He wanted to “take a break” and was not treating me well.  Against my better judgment, I thought it was my job to keep working on things and not bail out when things were rough.   I’m not sure if he cheated, I think so, and remember feeling the panic and pain about it all.

While I agree that my actions were stupid, I have never been a stupid woman.   I’m well educated and hold a great job.  But by calling me stupid, it just would have added to the pile of pain I was already feeling.  I think I would have believed you while in that state too.   It pains me now to see how I let myself get used, but while living it, you really don’t see how bad it was until you are able to look at it from the outside.

We ended up staying together for another year or two and got pregnant.  He left my son and I when he was just an infant.   We still have to deal with him every few weeks if he decides to call.  

It took me 18 months of not dating and soul searching to be ready to date again.  I had to really dig deep and to challenge myself to do things on my own.   Once I realized that I could own my own house, renovate it, raise my son on my own and move up in my career…without anyone else’s help, I realized how strong I really was.  I met the most amazing man of my life and finally saw what a real partner looked like.  If I had known that had existed 10 years before, I never would have settled.   My parents’ relationship and divorce had skewed my perception of what normal relationships looked it.

I feel so sad for women who are in a cycle like I used to be in.  It can be terrifying and totally paralyzing.   I can only imagine what it’s like when the pressure of engagement and people planning for a wedding.

I’m not sure what the answer is.   It took me years to realize that I was worth more than what I gave myself credit for.   I suggest being honest but not mean, these women are already hurting and it makes them want to hide their fears even more.

 

Post # 7
Member
3799 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I was that stupid woman for a while, but eventually I couldn’t even look at him and we broke up. I just thought that I HAD to make it work, no matter what. Looking back, I should have called if off for good as soon as I heard the rumor that he cheated.

The thing about cheating is that a lot of the times, the tricks the man is pulling (changing names in cell phones, saying they have to work late, saying she is ‘just a friend’ or ‘coworker’, I don’t know…just throwing out random examples) are usually all the same. Men are not THAT creative, so when the signs are there, it is pretty obvious.

Post # 8
Member
5148 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

I’ve been one of those “stupid women” too. That’s why my ex-husband is the “ex”.

It’s always easier to be on the outside looking in. And easier to give advice than to follow what you know you would tell someone else to do. When you’re looking at the end of your marriage, and looking at the man you put all your love and trust into that has betrayed you, it’s a very difficult and emotional time.

And being cheated on an CREATE confidence, self-esteem, etc., issues. When I was in the process of getting divorced, I went to a psychologist for about 9 months dealing with these issues. I felt like *I* wasn’t good enough, pretty enough, smart enough, funny enough, etc.; I was searching for a reason why. In reality, it was just my ex was a cheating @$$hole.

If you have a friend that has been cheated on and has opened up to you, try to support her, don’t mislead her that the cheater is a great guy, but don’t shun/out-cast her either. It’s a huge step even telling anyone, I was embarassed when my husband cheated on me and didn’t tell anyone for a long time, not until I moved out and my friends and family were asking “why?”. Should I have been embarassed? Logically, no; but emotion can overwhelm logic sometimes.

Post # 9
Member
3799 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@abbyful: I was embarassed beyond belief when my 3 year boyfriend cheated, if the person I was married to cheated, I don’t know if I can even imagine how horrible that would be. I think it was strange to realize that I was embarassed by it…I always thought if that happened I would be angry, but in reality, I was embarassed. Probably because the girl that he cheated with was nothing like me, and the fact that I couldn’t even keep him interested enough to NOT cheat. And of course the embarassment of knowing someone was seaking around behind my back and I didnt’ notice, when everyone else did.

I think it is a much different situation when it is a boyfriend vs. the end of a marriage. For me, it was a boyfriend, so eventually when we split up, it was a no brainer. So much more goes into it when it is a marriage…I shudder to think about it.

Post # 10
Member
6065 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2012

There are some women struggle with very deep self esteem issues…these struggles could be due to abuse suffered as children, sexual assault, upbringing, etc…

I think compassion, sympathy, prayer and well-wishes are more appropriate than judgments.

I can understand being frustrated- it is very hard watching people we love make destructive decisions, but I cannot understand the harshness.

Post # 11
Member
2589 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@MrsSl82be:

I think equating strippers and porn to cheating is absurd. 

Ok cool, your guy is one of the .06% of American males who never watches porn online. That doesn’t mean the other 99% are cheating or that their wives/girlfriends are stupid/naive/desperate. Thats complete nonsense. I’ve watched porn with my fiance before. I couldn’t care less about strippers, hell, I’ve had a lap dance before. People have different perspectives on their sex lives – and guess what – THATS OKAY.  

Post # 12
Member
7431 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

@mandypop: Ummm ok, I was never comparing the two at all. I was comparing the perception of the way others think about things. I don’t know where you got out of what I said that porn has anything at all to do with cheating. I’m talking about how people react to these things, no matter how the situation is presented.

And yes, it is ok that people have different perspectives, but its not ok the way some people react. That’s all I was saying!

Post # 13
Member
1944 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

People should never cast such judgement or harsh assumptions until you walked a mile in someone elses shoes. Have you lived my life? No. Was I that stupid girl once you so eloquently referred to? Yes. However my friends were loving and supportive and should the favor need be returned, I will support them. Hopefully you’ll never find yourself in a situation to where someone will judge you like this and you’ll need support from your friends.

Post # 14
Member
7385 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

Yeah, I guess that I was kind of stupid when my ex-husband started cheating on me.  But it was part denial, confusion, desperation.  When you are married and own a home together and have a child together, have joint bank accounts etc., you can’t just pack your stuff in a duffle bag and leave.  I made some decisions based on stability for my child that might have been different if I was dating someone and was not so connected.  And I knew long before anyone else knew- so it wasn’t like I was oblivious- just not sharing with the whole world.  It is easy to judge from the outside.  But I am not at all offended by your title and I do think it is a fair question.

Post # 15
Member
3520 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

I was that stupid girl too, about 3 exes ago.  The thing is, he kept his rugby life very separate and I never went to the games or parties, just work functions and family stuff.  He ended up getting the rugby girlfriend pregnant and marrying her, so who was he cheating with, me or her?

I agree with PPs… my friends never told me I was stupid; we just all drank a bunch of wine and agreed about what a jerk he was.

Post # 16
Member
9824 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

I was with a cheater too. But I was 22 and thought I was in love, and blamed myself for most of it. Am I stupid? I don’t think so. I think I was young and had no clue what love actually was or meant.

I view it as on par with an abusive relationship. I would never classify a woman in an abusive relationship as “stupid”, she just doesn’t know how to find her way out. She likely feels unwanted and worthless. Also she probably feels like as bad as things are, she should stay because no one else will want her. That is the result of a long time’s worth of manipulation. Not stupidity.

 

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