Me, my SO, his son and the vacation drama

posted 2 months ago in Relationships
Post # 32
1157 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

MiniHeart :  I didn’t mean because you didn’t grow up with divorced parents you were a terrible person. I meant it because you don’t understand what that child is going through. And how hard it is to only see one parent 10% of the time.  I urge you to seriously rethink this. I know i’ve said that in all my previous posts but seriously. This does not sound like a healthy relationship for you, or this child. 

Post # 33
779 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

Let dad and son go on the camping trip. It’s wrong for you–a girlfriend of less than 1 year–to insist that the son be ok with signs of affection, and then he can go on a trip with both of you. This kid gets only a short amount of time with his dad. He shouldn’t be pressured to share it with someone else, and he shouldn’t be pressured to be ok with hand holding, hugging, etc. It sounds like dad’s priority is his kid, which is how it should be. If you aren’t ok with that, you need to rethink the relationship. 


On a side note, my DH is terrible with planning, and so I plan all vacations. I have a planner personality, and he doesn’t. 

Post # 34
9694 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

You say there’s nothing wrong with your feelings, but no one said there is. 

There is something wrong with you trying to change his relationship/plans with his son because of your feelings.

this is why, once again, many people are suggesting this might not be the right relationship for you.

you want to be first. That will not happen with a single father, unless he’s a crap father. Don’t ask him to ask his son to change plans for you. 

Post # 35
991 posts
Busy bee

I think you’re learning what a lot of people who date guys that have kids eventually find out: its effing hard and it’s not for everyone. That is not a mark against you as a person, that doesn’t mean you’re some selfish monster, it just means you’re now finding out just how divided it CAN be. The difference maker in these situations is always the parent– how involved and how important it is to HIM to enmesh you + his son. He doesn’t prioritize that, and that’s OK, too. There’s no manual on “how to be the best psuedo girlfriend/ step mom to a 10 year old”, everyone is just kind of winging it and figuring it out as you go. He is clearly telling you by his actions that he isn’t there yet as a father, and that he has his reasons for keeping some things separate

Take it from me, I’m a step-mom so I know a little of what you’re feeling, if you’re a jealous or territorial person at all, step parenting/blending families is going to be really tough on you. Because all the things you’re feeling are 100% normal, and your want and desire to spend that time with your SO is real, but so is his need to spend time with his child. Unless HE is on the same page as YOU  when it comes to these things, I would date someone else who is childless or who has a child(ren) but is 100% ready to combine his relationship with his children and his relationship with you.

Post # 36
98 posts
Worker bee

I think you’re doing all the work and putting in all the effort and i really respect you for being so considerate about his son.

but it seems to me that he is too passive and relaxed…

it seems like you really love this guy, maybe for now i think you should just stop planning anything and see if he plans anything and if he doesnt you than take it from there.


Post # 37
1247 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2011

Let him chase you.   If he doesn’t then find someone who will.

Post # 38
377 posts
Helper bee

MiniHeart :  You’ve been dating him for almost a year, so I doubt youre a “weekend” gf. 

Some men really arent good at planning things and wont initiate. Some women are okay with that and some are not, but its not like he is turning down your suggestions of being together (example: weekend at his place etc). 

I can understand how he might want his time with his son to be only with his son since he does not see him alot. I don’t know how serious your relationship is thus far, but maybe when it gets more serious he’ll want you to participate. 

Post # 39
377 posts
Helper bee

MiniHeart :  Wait, you only see your SO one or two times a Month? 

How far do you live from eachother?

Post # 40
111 posts
Blushing bee

I’m confused: Why did you plan a vacation for the two of you during the time he’s spending with his son? Couldn’t you have planned something for September? October? November? December? January? I could go on…

Additionally, I think it’s important to note that when we invite ourselves to events that others have planned without us, then we should conform to THEIR plans. It was probably no big deal for you to have asked to tag along, but entirely changing the plans–which would no longer include the boy’s friends, I think?–might be a bit much. I’m not sure you really have the right to do that; at least, it can certainly be argued that such behavior is grossly inconsiderate, right?

What if you and your SO had plans, your mom asked to join and then mentioned that she’d like to entirely alter the plans? You probably wouldn’t go for it, AND you’d think your mom was being pretty inconsiderate to boot. 


Post # 41
2391 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

I think the problem here is that you  see your SO so rarely. If you saw him more you might be more open to his son time (which they both need).

Are there any plans to move closer together?

Post # 42
2226 posts
Buzzing bee

I think you need to stop trying to schedule anything during the month of August.

It’s just three weeks; why do you need to see him during that time? I understand that you want to, but he has plans — important plans. Why should they change for you? Why does this child need to give up anything for his dad’s girlfriend of a year? The child’s time shouldn’t be messed with for something so trivial. 

Stop thinking about August, and start thinking about the relationship as a whole. That issue is much more pressing than how you’ll be able to get this child to accommodate your needs during his scheduled three-week vacation with his dad, which is really what your post sounds like it’s about even though you say it’s not. 

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