Post # 1
Okay, I am writing this in hopes of getting some feedback from outsiders but please, no snarky remarks. I have been a low maintence bride and this isn’t even about bridesmaids ‘roles’ or whatever people think bridesmaids should or shouldn’t do. Take away the title. This started back in the winter when one of my bridesmaids who is bitter about not being asked to be Maid/Matron of Honor threw a fit about hair and makeup. It doesn’t need to be rehashed but the long and short of it is that she was incredibly nasty to me. I forgave and moved forward. There are four of them that I’ve been friends with since we were in elementary school. We aren’t physically close, which is fine and I don’t expect anyone to be at my beckon call by any means but, the few emails I send out, I get no replies. When I asked that a few other people be invited to my bachelorette party with the understanding that they would contribute to the costs, I got push back. My shower this past weekend was beautiful and hosted by my aunts. The BM’s handled the decorations and games. I provided the left over decorations from my engagement party so they didn’t incur costs. I sat next to said four at the shower and the conversations felt forced, awkard, and tense. My Maid/Matron of Honor who is from 2k miles away stood in the back while I opened gifts and was nowhere to be found. Not a single one of them wanted to take a picture or just seemed completely uninterested and insincere. Other people including my other BM’s and friends have noticed this behavior and I’ve confronted them about it saying that I feel totally left out of their ‘clique’ that they’ve seemed to have formed. It’s the most bizzare situation I’ve ever had. I could understand if I had been a psycho bride demanding a million things but I haven’t asked anyone to lift a finger. Just treat me like a friend, not like a stranger that you can’t stand. Their silence is so loud and I have tried to ignore it and look past it but I can’t anymore and I have no idea what to do. They left my shower without saying a single word to me as if I was invisible. When we went to my bach party later on, the girls I had there who have been supportive and awesome asked me what I’d like to do and I said ‘have a fire and just relax’ so we went outside. The said four cornered themselves off in the living room and when I invited them to come out they said ‘we are watching tv. you can come in here’ So I waited a while and then asked if they would like to play some type of card game and i got no answer from a single one. They had all gone to bed and never said a word.
I realize reading this online may come off as if these things are petty but they are downright 100% ignoring me and the only thing I can think of is that the one girl who threw a fit over hair and makeup a few months ago has done a great job at putting me on the outside. It’s very obvious when people talk abouot you behind your back because they act completely standoffish and distant and fake. That’s exactly what is happening and I am not the only one that sees it. I’ve been told by several people I should tell them I can’t have them stand next to me when I get married but I am so incredibly torn. The behavior is cold, passive aggressive, and it’s like a high school clique that decides to totally ice someone out. The catch is that, I don’t need this at my wedding or in the weeks leading up to it. I am at a loss. They just deny, deny, deny, and deflect that there is an issue.
Post # 2
summerwedding16: all i can tell you bee, is that you’re the common denominator here. even if you don’t realize it, there must have been *something* you did that pissed them all off. i think you need to confront them about the situation. if they don’t stop acting this way, or don’t tell you what’s going on, then just don’t have them as bridemaids. if they’re not your friends, they shouldn’t be standing up next to you.
Post # 3
I feel like I need some more info. How much contact do you have with the girls, outside of wedding related stuff? How are your individual relationships with them?
Post # 4
summerwedding16: I hate to say it, but people move on with their lives. I am not in touch really with 3 of my bridesmaids. They were bridesmaids in my wedding for Christ’s sake! One completely went off the wall and ended up having an affair with a married man whose wife has been sick with cancer for years, she is too embarrassed to even face any of her friends, and the other two were sisters who don’t really reply much to me and who never reach out to me first. I honestly only included them in my wedding party because I had been friends with them for so long. I regret having them in my wedding party now, all three of them. If there’s one thing that life has taught me, people get busy and move on with their lives. At this point in time, I only really have time to interact on a daily basis with roughly 3-5 people at most. I get very burnt out easily, and I also get overwhelmed trying to keep up communication with a lot of people at once, especially since I am as busy as I am now. I understand other people are the exact same way I am, and once I realized that, I got my feelings hurt a lot less, and moved on with my life as well. That being said, if someone REALLY wants to have a relationship with you, they will initiate conversation, they will reach out, and they certainly won’t ignore you. Just try not to get too butthurt over this, and focus on your own happiness.
Post # 5
Now I don’t have too much experience with weddings but seems to me, it’s your wedding and if they’re being so petty and nasty, then the best thing to do is to cut them out of the wedding and uninvite them. The wedding is about you and your fiance. Not about anyone else, not even the bridal party.
Focus on what is important for you for this wedding and cut out any negative influences. Do you really want them standing beside you, spewing out their negative energies while you’re getting married?
Post # 6
What was the hair and make up meltdown about and what were your emails about?
Post # 7
Yea they are def mad at you for something. I would say pull aside the one that you are closest with and ask them to tell you what is up.
Post # 8
I know I’m the common demoniator but I also know how nasty girls can be when they start getting together and that one girl can easily poison the others. I’m a teacher. I see it happen all the time.
They don’t like one of my other bridesmaids. She is a newer friend of mine and she asked them about the food they were getting this past weekend for the bach party and mentioned that i was trying to watch what i was eating and can we bring some chicken to grill and veggies. They never asked what I’d like to eat and just went ahead and ordered what they wanted. Well apparently that didn’t go over well and they sent out an email the night before saying they were cancelling all the meals and everyone had to bring their own. i only found out about the meals because one of the other girls had the courtesy to let me know. mind you, my cousin who is a Bridesmaid or Best Man is out of state and was here visiting without a car and she had no way of getting her own food.
I have confronted them. three or four times. I’ve mentioned that i felt like I had been reaching out to them to talk or just catch up outside of wedding plans and that I noticed I was getting iced out. they just completely deny that anything is wrong. I think they hate the fact that my life has really changed in the last few years and i’ve made several new friends and i’ve changed quite a bit since we were all together all the time since high school. we are all 26-27 now. my Maid/Matron of Honor is distancing herslef as well and i called her a few weeks ago and confronted her and she just said ‘oh no everything is fine’ but it’s not fine. i can pick up on vibes like that right away and it’s so obvious but how do you call people out on their behavior when it’s all underhanded and passive aggressive? it’s so easy to make me out to look like i’m delusional. i had spoken to one girl about running together when we got up in the morning and i was really looking foward to doing that and seh got up, didn’t say anyuthing, and just left withouot me. i went up to her when she got back and said ‘hey! i thought we had plans to run together.’ and she said ‘oh well i didn’t know i needed permission to go on a run’
i’m not a mean hearted person but i seriously do not want them there because I know I am being treated like crap yet i also feel terrible about the whole situation. they made the weekend completely tense and awkward. my mom sent them an email on tuesday thanking them for their help and the four of them never acknowledged it but they’ll gladly reply when my mom offered to treat them to manicures the day before the wedding.
When I originally asked them to be in my wedding, I wanted to have my old and new friends. I know our friendships were changing and that there had been some hard feelings over that but I NEVER imagined it would turn into this. I thought all of us being together this weekend would wipe the slate clean but it’s just made me feel totally worse. I try talking to them and I can’t explain it except that I feel like I’m speaking to strangers that want nothing to do with my wedding or me but how do you prove that, you know what I mean?
Post # 9
Yeah, I feel like we need more information here. There’s a reason they’re treating you this way.
Post # 10
Kick them out! I my opinion. Why have jerks stand up with you when you are marrying your best friend? They obviously don’t even want to be a part of your life. You are going to have those pics forever. Do u want those 4 in the pics? Speaking from experience (1 Bridesmaid or Best Man is in all my pics and we don’t speak anymore) do not let them up there with you.
Post # 11
The meltdown over hair and makeup was because the one girl was unhappy with the person I booked and made her own plans and recruited the others to go with her. I wouldn’t have minded that if I’d been spoken to like I was a human. When I confronted her about that and wanted to tell her that I’d priceshopped quite a bit but if it were too expensive i’d be fine with them doing her own hair and makeup at the house the morning of so we could all hang out and not have to worry about going to another salon, she FREAKED. I mean berated me for the price and said i should be paying for everything and that my mom was really rude for asking for help with the shower. (my mom never asked for financial help with the shower. my aunts hosted it. she only wanted help with games and decorations and offered to pay for them too but she lives out of state and decor is not really her thing so she asked for help with it. this girl accused my mom of being rude and said she had ‘sooo much more money’ than someone in their 20s does and ‘my mom would never ask anyone in their 20s to do that..” and she continued on and on. i just have no idea how to tell four bridesmaids that they can’t be a part of this. i don’t know that i have that in me unless i actually have something tangible other than being ignored, not being acknowledged, left out, and isolated.
Post # 12
I’m sorry you’re being ignored and isolated by your friends, bee, if you still consider them friends. I don’t think it has anything to do with feeling like you’re asking for too much. You’re coming at this from the wrong angle. I think they all, for whatever reason, probably felt like you isolated them to start, and they’re pushing back by doing the same to you. Instead of ‘confronting’ them, maybe start with an apology. After reading what you’ve said, you don’t think you’re in the wrong at all. And you probably aren’t, but it sounds like that’s what they’re expecting from you. I think they’re the type of people who are too proud and stubborn to reach out for a solution themselves. They’re waiting for your attention and affirmation. Apologize for not making your one friend Maid/Matron of Honor and let her talk. Do it one-on-one with each of them. Instead of saying ‘why are you treating me like this?’ say ‘I feel like I must’ve done something to make you all upset, and I want to make it right. Can you tell me what’s going on? I’m totally in the dark here’ Come to some common ground. It’ll soon become very clear whether they should be a part of your wedding or whether you need to re-assign these roles to people who’ve been supportive, not stress-provoking and immature.
*OH! I also wanted to add that recently, in the process of one of my good friend’s wedding, we all started feeling neglected for not including us in the planning process at all. Not asking us for input or even updating us about what had been booked, decided on, etc… It’s possible they’re feeling like you haven’t involved them enough. I can see this especially through the hair and makeup situation if you decided on things or made recommendations without bouncing ideas off them
Post # 13
When I confronted her about that and wanted to tell her that I’d priceshopped quite a bit but if it were too expensive i’d be fine with them doing her own hair and makeup at the house the morning of so we could all hang out and not have to worry about going to another salon,
I know this is just one small example, but little things can add up. If your bridesmaids thought the salon you chose was too expensive, they are entitled to choose their own salon. You don’t get to tell them “Use the one I chose or do your own hair” In effect, that was what you said to them.
Post # 14
summerwedding16: so you picked a hair and make up person/place and she felt it was too expensive, so you were charging them to do their hair and make up for your wedding? That’s really a bit off, I can understand why she wasn’t happy about that.
however, this whole way they are coping with their feelings is immature and only going to a bad place. the freezing you out and treating you like crap at your own wedding events while denying there is a problem is bullsh*t. They need to own their own decision to stay, not wage mean girl war while ruining your events.
I would apologize about the hair and make up cost imposition/unilateral decision and stop making unilateral decisions like that. then simply tell them the truth. “I was so looking forward to having you in my wedding, but I get the feeling you don’t want to be here. If you don’t feel like you want to stand up for me, no hard feelings.” Wait for a reply. Hopefully they will either grow up or bow out.
If they stay but continue with the p/a games, time to cut them loose.
Post # 15
I didn’t ask my bridesmaids their opinion on the hair/makeup artist because guess what they aren’t paying for it and even if they were I wouldn’t have asked their opinion because its not their choice because its YOUR day. If you don’t like the way they are behaving then don’t have them in the wedding. It seems to me that you either pissed them off or they all have serious jealousy issues. I would just down right ask them if they even want to be in the wedding because they are acting like they don’t want to.