(Closed) Mean Girls situation

posted 4 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 46
5108 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2017

They don’t want to be in your wedding party and couldn’t care less about your wedding. You pissed them off, perhaps you drifted apart a long time ago and now you have tried to rope everyone in for a picture perfect wedding party. It’s not working. This is why you should have picked people who are in your life now and who are truly your nearest and dearest friends. Lesson learned.

I would email them or call them and offer their money back for costs incurred and explain to them that your wedding planning with them has been making you feel like crap and that you sense that they would also prefer not to be there.

Post # 47
602 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I found your other post as well and it is very clear what the problem is.  Maybe try re-reading it.  

I think you would benefit from working on your communication.  If multiple people are misconstruing what you say, it is your issue to fix, IMO.  Perhaps your intentions are good but it’s clear they are fed up with the message they are receiving.  

Post # 48
232 posts
Helper bee

I find it a bit odd that someone not invested in your friendship would fly all the way over for your bridal shower/bachelorette weekend. Also already pay for a flight for the wedding too if issues have been brewing since January.

I absolutely agree they’re playing mean girls. Why can’t they be more honest with you? Do you see a friendship with them after the wedding? It would suck if they ruin your day and are in all your wedding photos as well. 

I feel like there’s more to this story as well. Very strange about one girl telling the truth then backpeddling. I noticed you said they haven’t had to do anything financially at all – flying out and organizing still takes time and money. Maybe you weren’t appreciative enough before the event – hence the ice during. Perhaps they’re not doing well financially and you haven’t been sensitive enough to that? I find it a bit off putting a bridesmaid complained that it was too expensive for hair and make up and she couldn’t afford it. Then you basically replied well there’s a straightener at the house, me and the other girls are gonna get dolled up professionally bye!

Post # 49
1149 posts
Bumble bee

It’s no excuse for them to act this way. You should express yourself honestly to them and they to you. If they can’t grow up and stop playing highschool then I would uninvite them all to the wedding. Sorry if it’s rude, but you should of thought about that before deciding to be immature.

Post # 51
500 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

summerwedding16:  I really hope it works out for you because it’s horrible, shitty and confusing when friendships end this way…but people almost never admit to this kind of behaviour when you ask them directly. People who are upfront enough to admit it are also upfront enough to tell you when they have a problem, sort it out and forget about it.

Again, I hope that it’s plain sailing now but you’ve given this so much headspace and you really owe them nothing more if they still can’t get their shit together.

Post # 52
422 posts
Helper bee

I notice the word “confronted” a lot in your posts. Perhaps that’s it. 

Post # 53
44 posts

Please keep us posted on what happens! Personally I feel like nothing is going to change at this point, it’s ridiculous how many times you had to ask them what’s up and they act like everything is fine when confronted but then pull this passive aggressive catty mean girls shit on you. If they have a problem they should just drop out of the wedding if they don’t plan to resolve it. I personally think you still have time to ask them to step down. I know it seems drastic but that’s because when you ask someone to step down it pretty much ends the friendship. Well guess what it seems like these “friendships” are already over.  They sound more like frenemies to me. You don’t need that kind of negative energy on your wedding day. You don’t want to look back at your wedding photos or wedding video and see those girls and be reminded of how cold they were towards you, poisoning your special day,  do you? What would the Maid/Matron of Honor possibly say in her speech in front of everyone about you? What about the getting ready photos? Think of all those special moments that come from planning a wedding and how fun they are supposed to be- you’ve been robbed of most of those because of how cold they have been acting this whole time. They are sucking all the fun out of being engaged and wedding planning. Don’t let them ruin your wedding day and your memories. 

Post # 54
48 posts
  • Wedding: November 2016

To clarify –

Was hair and makeup optional? If you made it clear

it was completely optional, they should not get upset. However, if professional hair & makeup was requested,

you should pay for it. If you are paying for it, they

need to suck it up and act happy about it. It is your day.


Post # 55
77 posts
Worker bee

I know it’s a bit late to the party, but in case you’re still unsure what to do, I have always found writing a letter is a good way to approach difficult issues, not an email but a hand-written letter. Writing a letter has two main benefits:

1. You have a chance to work out exactly what you want to say and how to say it.

2. They have the opportunity and the space to think about what you said before responding.

If you do want to go ahead with the letter, there are a few things I’d recommend to make sure it is as effective as possible:

1. Try to keep the focus on their behaviour not on any traits this behaviour may or may not imply e.g. “You didn’t say goodbye to me after the bridal shower” instead of “You were rude to me at the bridal shower.”

2. Don’t try to make any assumptions about what they may be thinking or feeling. Even if you’re 100% correct, people don’t like to be told how they feel by others e.g. “You’re trying to punish me.”

3. State the facts of their behaviour and how you feel about it e.g. “When you didn’t say goodbye after the bridal shower, I felt upset/rejected/hurt.”

4. Don’t use “I feel” statements to talk about their motivations, traits e.g. “I feel you were being rude.”

5. Offer a couple of solutions and ways they can be achieved.

6. Try to phrase your solutions in terms of what you would like them to do rather than what you don’t want them to do e.g. “I would like you to tell me if I have done anything to upset or offend you” rather than “Please don’t ignore me when I ask you what’s wrong.”

7. In the letter, arrange a specific time to follow-up on what you said e.g. “If it’s okay, I would like to meet for coffee on Saturday morning to chat about this.” 

8. End on a hopeful, conciliatory note.

I really wish you the best. This is an incredibly difficult situation.


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