Post # 1
I’m new on the boards here and I could really use some advice on our sex problem. I’ve been with my wonderful SO for several years now and he truly treats me like gold. We love each other deeply and there’s nobody else I could imagine being with. The first year we had no issues with sex and everything was perfect. However, due to a series of really unfortunate and stressful events which affected both of us (i won’t get into the details of what happened), my SO fell into a deep depression and had to go on anti-depressants. This resulted in a slow decrease and then a complete lack of sex drive. He still wanted to satisfy me even though he didnt have a drive but over time I told him it’s ok that we weren’t being intimate and he kept aplogizing.
Initially, I was actually kind of relieved that we weren’t being intimate since I have my own issues with sex (sometimes it can be painful). However, over time I became concerned about the lack of it. We were, and still are, holding hands and kissing. Everything else is normal in the relationship but the lack of sex. I’ve talked to him twice about it over the past few years but I never really stressed how much I miss it. Mostly I asked him if something was wrong with us and he always reassured me that there wasn’t.
I am now at a point where I REALLY miss being intimate with him–it’s been a few years! I don’t know how to bring it up in a gentle yet effective way. To be honest I am SO shy and have never asked for sex before–mostly due to my culture. But he is an incredibly wonderful and sweet man so I know he would never make me feel bad about it. But the truth is that his medication has killed his sex drive. So should I ask him to get off the meds–is that even right? I mean how can I approach this? All advice appreciated! Thank you.
Post # 3
I would highly suggest that you initiate a conversation with him about your desire to be more sexually active. Please don’t ask him to stop the medication(s). Instead, ask if he would be willing to see his physician and talk about his lack of sexual drive (and you should be willing to go with him if that’s what he would prefer). I’m obviously not sure what he is taking, but a wide variety of medications, such as anti-depressants, can lead to sexual problems. There are often other medications that do not affect sex drive as much that he may be able to try. Not all medications are created equal in terms of side effects.
Edit: Just wanted to add that if you suddently stop an antidepressant, you could have “antidepressant withdrawal” symptoms – flu-like symptoms, nausea, and insomnia to name a few. Some (not all) of the medications have to be tapered off and not just suddently stopped.
Post # 4
You need to just have an open and honest discussion about it… Maybe he can talk to his doctor about switching medications… He obviously needs to be on them, depression isn’t something to fool around with, but that medication isn’t ideal for him or you. But you need to be honest with him. As someone whos SO has a low sex drive I know it can be awkward to bring it up, but it sounds like your SO is very understanding, and I’m sure he will be willing to work on it.
But I seriously suggest talking to his doctor about switching meds. Good luck!
Post # 5
I’ve been on anti-depressants my myself and I know how this sucks 🙁 Sorry hon.
So, it’s been a few years since he’s been on them? How long does he intend on using them? To me, anti-depressants are a temporary fix you use to help yourself when you couldn’t otherwise get by…not something you use for a lifetime. That’s just my own experience though. I kind of got tired of feeling numb all the time if you know what I mean? I just bring this up because I’m kind of wondering if exercise, eating right, the right vitamins, and other treatments could possibly help? Those would also help his sex drive?
If he does intend on being on them long term because he really needs them, maybe the doctor can switch to another drug or maybe play with the dosage amount a little bit.
Post # 6
First off, find out why sex hurts for you, because you could have a medical issue!
Second, you certainly should NOT touch his meds. I assume he needs them or woudlnt’ be taking them.
I would try to find other ways to initiate intimacy. There are other ways to be intimate besides sex.
Lastly, if he just isn’t into it, get yourself a vibrator! Ii never thought I’d have one until…well, until I had one.
Post # 7
Yes, he’s been on them since mid-2007 now. I did ask him if he intends to be on them long term and he told me that he will stop the medication once he’s in a better place in his life. I believe that he is in a better place now so maybe he will consider stopping them. Also, he does have a very stressful job so I’m sure that doesn’t help our sex life much either.
I guess what I’m wondering is if it would be a good idea for me to even bring this topic up. I’m afraid of making him feel as if he’s not good enough or something. He always wants me to be happy and fulfilled in every aspect of my life and I don’t want to hurt his feelings. A part of me wants to wait and discuss this once we’re married (which will be in the next year or so). But another part of me thinks, what if things never change? I mean, I do want to have children soon and we will have to address the issue of sex at some point, right?
What do you all think? Is this something that I should keep quiet about for now given that I’m happy in every other aspect of our relationship? I guess I’m also afraid of the possibility that once I bring it up nothing happens to fix the situation…..then what do we do?
Is there a right way to discuss this, a key word or phrase I should use?
Post # 8
I think you should talk to him about it first and maybe consider him going to a doctor to try a different type of medication. Some have different side effects. I was having problems with my BC removing my sex drive and it’s better now that I changed it. I know it’s hard to have this conversation but not talking about it isn’t going to make things change.
I agree with the other posters that you should maybe go to a doctor to find out why sex is painful for you. I have had a lot of problems with this and can give you some suggestions if you want!
Post # 9
@Shirinjoon: I think it’s something you have to bring up because if you don’t, you’ll begin to resent him. Just be honest with him, but don’t make it sounds like his fault. So say, “You make me feel so special in every other way, but I miss being intimate with you. Do you think you could talk to your doctor about switching medications to see if there’s one that won’t affect your sex drive so much?” Sometimes it take awhile to find the right combination of meds.
Both of you need to be happy and satisfied (emotionally and physically) in your relationship for it to be successful. You might hurt his feelings now, but that’s better than breaking both of your hearts later if you have to leave the relationship.
Post # 10
Thanks, and I’d love to hear any of your suggestions on the pain aspect. I really appreciate it.
Post # 11
@twofortheshow: Thanks, that was very helpful advice! I just have to muster up the courage to bring this topic up–I keep making excuses not to bring it up!
Post # 12
@Shirinjoon: One of the main things that cause pain during sex is endometriosis. It’s actually pretty common. If you have painful periods, this might be the culprit.
Some other possibilities are pelvic inflammatory disease, fibroids, or ovarian cysts. I would go to your doctor to see if they can figure out the cause of your pain and help you. I know it’s awkward but they doctors just want to help you.