Meeting a SO's kid

posted 5 days ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Hostess
11253 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

ChasingZenith :  sounds like you are a great partner and potential stepparent as you are already thinking oh his child  first.

Re #2, when he brings up meeting, say you are honored that he wants you to meet his child. Then tell him, if you don’t know already, that you’ve been reading what a big deal this is for kids and you want to be a positive source in her life, so you want to wait until it’s serious as she has already gone through a lot of change. 

He should respect that and hopefully will be aware of it already.

Post # 4
Member
269 posts
Helper bee

 

Month and a half is a very short time to make those judgement calls. Wait a couple more months or so to meet his daughter. That will help you gain more insight on your relationship with him before you end up making a commitment to his daughter and getting introduced to his ex-wife also.

There is no need to rush this meeting. My current SO and I happened to be friends before we became serious and I still did not end up meeting (or even wanting to meet) his kids until several months (almost a year!) in to our friendship. We met outside our homes to hang out and when I did go over occassionally, his kids were not there. 

And when we did end up meeting there was no pressures of any kind on anyone because he had been discussing me with them and vice-versa. So they had a great idea of who I was and I had a great idea of how they are like. It was a very casual, matter of factly meeting. Like meeting someone you already know. But they are older (which is nice!)

Post # 5
Member
13 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: January 2018

I’d suggest you wait longer until you meet her.  I didn’t introduce my new husband to my daughter until I had known him 9 months and we were getting serious.  Even then, I kept them pretty seperate for a while.  I didn’t want her to get too attached.  I don’t think a month and a half is quick enough to know how good of a relationship it will be.  I also appreciate your caution–I had several men ready to meet my daughter when I barely knew them.  Nope!

Post # 6
Member
1025 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2018

I would wait until you’ve been exclusive for at least 6-9 months AND it’s obvious that you’re both head over heels, before meeting her. If for some reason you don’t get to that point, it’d be better that you hadn’t met her. It’s really traumatic for little kids to have quasi-parental figures coming and going in their lives. 

I think this can also serve as a good judge of character / parenting of your B.f. If he’s pushing you to meet her in another month or two, I would be pretty wary of that. What kind of parent doesn’t realize the importance of protecting attachment in little children, etc… someone who’s not very educated and/or motivated about best parenting practices. Hopefully that’s not the case here, but it’ll be a good way to find out. 

Post # 7
Member
483 posts
Helper bee

When you do meet her, it may be wise to introduce you as “Daddy’s friend” ChasingZenith before “Daddy’s girlfriend”. 

Post # 9
Member
3160 posts
Sugar bee

My man (now fiance) did not meet my kids until I was pretty sure I wanted to marry the dude. At minimum, I would have to be with someone long enough to the point where I am sure this is a lasting relationship kind of thing (of course there is never any guarantee, but time will at least give you a better perspective). He did not meet my kids until the 5th month of the relationship being serious and he casually came to a public outing (a skating rink) so they did not even really notice anything out of the way (plus, we drove in separately).

Post # 10
Member
7435 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2010

KittyYogi :  

Six to nine months sounds like a good time frame.

ChasingZenith :  

Your views are spot on, it’s just too soon to actually meet the child.

Post # 12
Member
59 posts
Worker bee

I have a 4 year old son, who was 3 when my fiance and I started dating. Because of how well I meshed with him, I invited him to a pumpkin patch with me and my son, less than a month after we met. More specifically, 26 days. I know this is fast for a lot of people. Crazy enough, no one in my family or his rejected to the idea of him meeting my son. I had more objections from people when deciding to go to his hometown for Thanksgiving with my son to meet his family. Anyway, for my own reasons, I was comfortable bringing my son around him at that time. I made sure that he was fine interacting with children, which he was, since he has 5 nieces and nephews. I also had to make sure that he understood that dating me means possibly marrying me some day, and living with a child in the home. Now that he is committed to marrying me, he spends more time with my son, and we will be moving in together in a few weeks.

Bottom line, it comes down to when you both are on the same page in regards to introducing his daughter to you. It should not feel rushed, and neither person should feel uncomfortable about it. I also had the same thoughts as you: “What if we break up after he meets my son?” It’s normal to think that. Just be sure that meeting his daughter is what the both of you want at the same time. 

Post # 13
Member
87 posts
Worker bee

I’d known my SO for almost a year before I met his kids. I asked that he give his ex-wife the opportunity to meet me before I met the boys, which she declined. Her choice. He was clear with her that he wasn’t offering her a chance to influence whether or not I’d meet the kids, and that she had no say in whether or not I was allowed to be around them, as those kinds of decisions about his life are not within her control. It was just a respectful offering to meet the woman who would be spending time around their children. She did reach out to me a few months later and ask to meet, so I agreed.

It’s clear you have a good head on your shoulders about this. Like PPs have said, there’s no reason to rush it. It was easy meeting my SO’s kids because we were together so long before I actually met them that they already knew I existed and were excited to finally meet me. They’d ask him to see pictures of me, ask about my pets, my house, my job. So they were very curious and anxious to get to know me in person, which I think made the situation a lot less stressful than just springing a surprise “friend” on them. 

Make sure that when you meet her, it’s because you’re ready to, not just because your SO is pushing for it. You should be 100% comfortable taking that next step in your relationship.

Post # 14
Member
1025 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2018

I would just add that simply waiting until you both want you to meet her, like one PP said, isn’t necessarily enough. If I was with a new SO who had a sweet child, I would be excited to meet the child. I can imagine that he is eager to share his precious child with you. That’s only natural.  

That’s what gets people into trouble. Because if you break up, and he goes on to do this with a succession of girlfriends, it’s the little girl who gets damaged by having quasi-parental figures rotating in and out of her life. There is so much research in how early attachment and subsequent disruption to these relationships is very damaging for the child’s emotional development and longtime emotional health. So i think it’s important to wait until not only you both want you to meet her, but until you’re really really sure that this is the real deal. 

Post # 15
Member
668 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

ChasingZenith :  I think you have a really positive outlook on this and are approaching things with a level head. I too believe that 1.5 months isnt long enough. It’s a lot of pressure but I think it’s good to either be a forever partner to your SO or a very long term one so the kids feelings don’t get crushed…of course we can’t always control this but I’ve seen some moms bring guys around their kids and then it doesnt work out..not healthy for the kids. 

i think you’re stepping in the right direction tho so kudos to you. Kids are smart too you could be dad’s special friend but kids will figure it out haha.

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