Meeting his ex-wife. Advice?

posted 11 months ago in Family
Post # 31
Member
11001 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

kayla037 :  

Totally agree with the other Bees.  Three months is much, much too soon to bring you into his child’s life in any way. Including trying to play it off as daddy’s new “friend “. Children are extremely intuitive.

Your bf is putting his own needs ahead of the wellbeing of his own child’s. That is bad parenting.

I have no doubt that you are a lovely person with nothing of the best of intentions toward the child. But, there has been nowhere near enough time for your bf to be certain of that. Getting to truly know someone requires observing them in a variety of situations and circumstances.  How do they handle life’s inevitable curve balls? What is their knee jerk reaction in the face of a moral dilemma? All of this takes time.

Those are just the sacrifices the adults have to make for the kids.

Then there is the risk of things not working out. The poor child has to cope with a loss they can’t understand.

Your next giant red banner flapping in the wind is the animosity he continues to harbor toward his ex, six years post divorce. He is not done with her yet. That is not the same as saying he’s in love with her or wants her back; though neither of those things are impossible. But, he has not cut the emotional and energetic cords. It can be more difficult when you co parent. 

Is the antagonism mutual? Has she moved on? What is his real motivation for bringing you together? How does it benefit the child? Or does he just want to throw you in her face?

Hate is not the opposite of love. Love’s opposite is indifference.

Post # 32
Member
11001 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

sassy411 :  

Oh dear.  That should have read nothing but the best of intentions toward the child.

Post # 33
Member
7071 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

The OP has met the son, so at this point it’s a done deal. 

At this point moving forward you need to rip the bandaid off and have an actual adult conversation with your boyfriend about his expectations of your relationship and if he plans on you being at the birthday party. Just because they are hosting this party jointly, doesn’t mean he HAS to exclude you. That being said, if he wants to include you, I think you and the ex should meet prior to the party. His son’s birthday is not the place for an awkward first meeting. 

 

Post # 34
Member
12320 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

I’m tired of those saying that after three months this is a done deal. No, it is not. After one or two months or a few meetings, there is simply not the same kind of bond there could be if they continue to include the child in their time together.

Every reputable source I know about  advises that SOs not be brought around children until there is a real commitment. Which, if they are smart, and as sassy411 : has described, takes time, especially with children involved. 

I agree with her that the alternative is poor parenting.

Post # 35
Member
11001 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

If OP and her bf are right for each other, what is the necessity of rushing the child into a relationship with daddy’s new girlfriend? The son will still be available to meet OP six months or a year from now. 

The only issue of any consequence in this entire thread is what’s best for the little boy. 

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