Post # 1
hello bees! 🙂
got a little story for u here and seeking advice.
when my SO was in high school, his parents divorced. his mom got married second time few years after that and moved abroad with her new husband and SO’s younger sister. he was supposed to join them but then (oops!) he met me and said he’s not going anywhere.
now we’ve been together for almost 4 years and the only way for me to meet his mom, stepdad and sis was via skype. (they live, well, REALLY far away). so, few days ago mother sent him a message that she bought plane tickets for july and she’s looking forward to stay with us for a month (we live together in SO’s apartment that actually belongs to him AND her, can’t afford our own place yet).
as far as i can see, his mother is a great person and always gave him enough space. BUT there’s a slight problem with her attitude to relationships: after her first marriage didn’t work out, she assumed that it happened cos she tied the knot being too young (20 years old, which is 3 years younger than her son is now). when i just met my SO I noticed that he was pretty well brainwashed with “don’t get into anything serious ’till you’re 30” kind of stuff. now his way of thinking has changed a lot – not to jinx it, but he’s very initiative in planning not only the future wedding, but our life together many years forward. but what if his mom will try to change his mind back again? things happen, and mothers can be very demanding. i’m afraid that after a month of staying with us she’ll figure out i’m not a DIL she wants, and then she might try to ruin our relationship.
i know it all sounds like a huge idiotic irrational fear, but i just can’t get rid of these thoughts. i just need some advice how to deal with my worries and, probably, what to do if it happens for real. any suggestions? =)
Post # 3
I would not worry about her trying to ruin your relationship now – that’s just going to make you crazy and unhappy. You say she’s always been a good mom and a good person, so she doesn’t sound like the kind of person who would do something like that. Since she doesn’t have a history of doing things like that, I don’t think you should expect it. She’s going to be part of your family now, so it’s not good that you’re already worrying about this…
If you can’t get over it, you might talk to your Fiance about it – he might be able to set your mind at ease and convince you not only that his mother isn’t out to get you, but also that he wouldn’t allow that to happen. If you have access to counseling or therapy, it might be useful to talk to someone about ways to put those irrational fears out of your head.
Honestly, if she tries to ruin your relationship, there are only two outcomes: either your relationship is strong and she fails, or it’s not as strong as you think it is, and she succeeds. Either way, there’s not much you can do about it before she even gets here.
My advice is to try to focus on the things you like about her and enjoy your time together. Don’t look for warning signs or expect the worst of her. Instead, enjoy getting to know your Future Mother-In-Law and your kids’ future grandmother. Your future opportunities to spend time with her may be few and far between, so take advantage of this visit to start building your relationship.
Post # 4
@vegempanada: thanks a lot for your answer. 🙂
She’s going to be part of your family now, so it’s not good that you’re already worrying about this...
>>i know the biggest problem must be me – i never got on well with “new” people and now i’m freaking out cos it’s a lot more serious case than with any other random person. that’s basically it.
If you can’t get over it, you might talk to your Fiance about it
>>yeah, we used to talk about it before, when she was not going to visit us in a short amount of time, and the phrase you wrote was exactly what he said. the thing is that i could freely talk and think about it then, and now while the date is approaching i suddenly started to feel antsy. that’s weird :S
Post # 5
@linssi: I don’t think it’s weird that you’re getting more nervous as the visit gets closer – that’s totally normal. Maybe your Fiance can give you some insight into what Future Mother-In-Law likes to do, so you can be prepared for the kinds of things you’ll do together and talk about. If you guys are already planning the wedding, that will give you a topic to bond over 🙂
Post # 6
and..an update! tomorrow she’ll be here 😀
i’m happy to say, the worries are almost gone. me and my love talked a lot to her lately and set up a lot of dates when we’re going to hang out – in the mountains, at the seaside, in the city, etc 🙂 hoping for fun times now!