Post # 31
I’ll share my experience with you and from what I’m reading it is quite possible he is taking things slow.
before I met anyone from my SO’s life it was 2 years 5 months (but who was counting! 🙄). I had reached a point where I thought he has hiding a wife and kids at home and I was the dirty secret by that point. He could never explain to me why am I not meeting anyone ( by the way his friends and family lived about 10 hour flight away during that time but I did go to that city a handful of times and stayed in a hotel not being introduced to anyone).
for some reason I stuck around; it looked wrong but felt right at the same time. One fine day (at about 2 years 5 months 😜) he asked me to attend a relative’s wedding with him where I got to meet everyone and then some. For the first time I saw him being super nervous and quiet. I later I found out he really wanted me to like his family and fit well with everyone ( which I did); he had had a bad experience in the past and was very cautious who he brings home. For age reference , both mid thirties.
Looking back it wouldn’t have mattered how much I questioned or complained; he had to feel ready in his own time. Since then our relationship has moved forward and we are planning our wedding.
listen to your gut ( and absolutely , communicate it’s very important for you to be part of his life, meet the important people in his life and not be compartmentalised).
Post # 32
Thank you for sharing. Hearing about your situation really helps put it into perspective for me. I understand he would be hesitant to have me meet his kids. I am just getting a little impatient with not even knowing a roundabout update on when. Patience and communication are needed from me.
*edit* I also really liked the “it didn’t look right, but felt right” bit you mentioned. 2 years and 5 months is a while to wait, but each relationship has its own timeline.
Post # 33
I was a single mom for 11 years before meeting now Darling Husband. 1.5 years into our relationship we were engaged and living together. My kids had developed a wonderful relationship with him and were very bonded. We had met and been incorporated into one another’s families and shared a wonderful friend group.
While I realize everyone has their own timeline, there is definitely a point where you need to realize that maybe NEVER is part of his timeline. My instinct is that he is hiding you or hiding them. Probably hiding you. Does it feel OK to you? Have you even given it some introspection? If you were in charge of the timeline, what would it look like? Would you have already met and developed relationships with these people? I think it would also be helpful to know how old you are. If you are 20, you need more time to foster a relationship while also dealing with growing up. If you are 30 you should be pretty stable with where you are and the fact that you’ve just been floating along not bothered at all that you are probably the side chick would somehow be worse at an older age to me. Maybe because I feel like you should know who you are and what you want enough to speak up for it.
Post # 34
op, did you talk to your SO?
Post # 35
I met my boyfriend five months ago online. We pretty much fell hard for each other and within a month and a half he introduced me to his kids although only as a friend which I was OK with. He has been separated for almost 2 years and hopefully his divorce will be finalized in May. We had every intention of spending Christmas Eve me him and his kids at my family’s house and then Christmas day at his house with his kids. About a week before the holidays he calls me and says that he’s been reading some articles about introducing significant others to kids and he feels that I shouldn’t come over Christmas day. Needless to say I was extremely hurt and honestly since then our relationship has been rocky. I’ve put the relationship on hold and he’s put the relationship on hold and I’ve pretty much broken up with him at least once and it all stems from this whole issue that he has his kids twice during the week and every other weekend and we don’t talk at those times. He is totally off-limits. And that’s a giant portion of his life that I am not included in and now I’ve been excluded. Prior to us having this rocky patch we had agreed that I would meet his kids officially after his divorce is finalized. But now that it’s all changed because of the rocky period and he says now he just wants to wait till the divorce is finalized before he makes any decisions.
He keeps sending me pictures of all the stuff that he and his kids are doing that’s fun but he and I never do anything that’s fun. So when I tell him to please do not send me pictures of you guys having fun he gets upset because he says he should be able to share that with his girlfriend. I’m like wow this whole thing is gotten jacked up and it makes me feel really sad and depressed because you’re out having fun with your kids and I’m not involved.
I don’t know what to do. Any suggestions or advice?
Post # 36
It sounds like he is trying to include you in his life with his kids as much as possible at this stage though. If I was him I would be upset at you saying ‘don’t send me photos if you doing anything fun if i’m not there’. Why can’t you do fun stuff with him? He doesn’t even have his kids the majority of the time.
I personally feel that five months is too soon to have christmas with his kids when he isn’t even divorced yet, so I do think that was the right call.
Post # 37
I cant do anything fun with him because he does not have any money. We either hang out at his house or mine. He either is working (software engineer) on work or on his divorce stuff. We do go to the gym but he swims and I do the eliptical.
I would have no problem paying for stuff but he feels bad and I feel like its emasculating him, which leaves us not going out. I think the last time we went out was January 2nd.
So you dont think him flip flopping like that is bad? Its ok to change your mind and make someone feel horrible?
Post # 38
Your feelings are understandably hurt, i’m not saying they shouldn’t be, at all! But when you date someone with young children you have to add them into the equation, and unfortunately their needs do need to come before yours or his at this stage.
It might hurt his pride to phrase it as ‘i’ll pay’, why don’t you ask him to do something you’ve heard about, a cool restaurant/ bar and phrase it as ‘my treat’ for xyz reason?
You could also try and plan different activities at home that make staying in more fun – find a really elaborate recipie, grab a bottle of wine and spend the evening cooking together?
Post # 39
I have asked him to do stuff but he is like “We shouldnt spend the money”. We have planned stuff at home but we mostly talk about work or his divorce or his kids.
We cant make any plans till his divorce is finalized so we dont talk about the future.
This whole thing just flat sucks.
Post # 40
My man and I met each other’s kids after 6 months and I met his entire family after 3. If I don’t meet anyone and its rolling up to a year, to me it says either one of two things…1. He is just that into you or 2.He has something to hide. Barring VERY few exceptions, I wholeheartedly believe this….no way can u be all in love and he hasn’t exposed you to anyone no matter how it is justified in your head….and after 3 years? Red flags everywhere.It fascinated me how some of these people can pull this sort of thing off.