(Closed) Melting down (Rant)

posted 6 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
14497 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

I’m sorry you’re so stressed!  I believe that if a man wants to marry you, something semi-superficial like currently being underemployed should not be a factor, espeically if it’s not by choice and you are doing everything you can to change that.  It’s not like its a behavorial issue that needs to be settled first.  A job can be lost at anytime, what would he do if you both had great jobs and all, were married, then one of you lost your job??  It’d be basically the same thing.  Are you guys in debt now?  Can you put numbers on paper together, current income, expenses, projected incomes when you both can get better paying jobs, and show him that life can go on and that you have enough to live on and be happy?  People can be happy at any income level, you just have to adjust expectations and budgets.  If you can make it by now, while underpaid, just imagine how great life with be when you’re not!

Post # 4
Member
347 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

i agree with pinkshoes, something like that shouldnt stop him from proposing, he could easily buy a ring thats nice and practical.

my Fiance and I arent in the best position financially at the moment but he still bought me a temporary cz E-ring for the time being and put a down payment on A ring we picked out afterwards at the jewelers so he could put a little every month towards buying it. if your SO wants it to happen he’ll find a way.

ps, i just turned 28 and i have PCOS as well, ill be 30 when we marry. so i relate to your fears but i try not to stress over it, easier said than done i know. if i were you i’d sit down with him and talk about a timeline for engagement etc.

Post # 5
Member
692 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

I have to agree with PP here.  Very well-off couples still fight over money.  Unless your combined incomes aren’t enough to get by & you’re relying on others for support, income shouldn’t stop you from getting married.

Post # 6
Member
395 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Firstly, sorry that you’re feeling this way. 🙁 Secondly, I agree with all of the other bees. Even the most well-off couples fight about money, the economy can crash anytime, people can lose their jobs anytime, but if you love each other you just kind of move through it.

Post # 8
Member
14497 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

@annasaf83: Is that a typo?  Did you mean you’re making 25k right now, roughly, and that he wants to make a combined 80k before getting married? Meaning he’s holding out about 5k of income??  I’d be flipping through the roof right now in fustation.  Props to you for holding your cool.  How about put it to him this way – lets round up to 6k, that’s 500/month, after taxes maybe $350/month.  He wants to hold off on marriage and moving forward for 350 a month??  If you each can invidividually make ends meet now, that is not a signifigant amount at all.  My only suggestion is the same as before, jointly put your numbers on paper and try to show him that some random figure of income as a goal is silly.  Can he even explain way he says 80k??

 

Post # 9
Member
339 posts
Helper bee

Will he divorce you if you lose your job and can’t make that much anymore?  Or if you have babies and need to spend time at home with them? This makes me kinda worried for you 🙁

I feel like as long as the two of you can agree on what money goes where and how much is allowed for certain things there shouldn’t be any reason for arguing. 

Post # 11
Member
2893 posts
Sugar bee

Having money or not having money doesn’t indicate whether or not you’ll fight over money. That is absolutely ridiculous and a really stupid excuse. Seriously. HOW you manage money NOT how much of it you have is the difference. Not to mention how you communicate, plan, resolve problems, budget. Notice none of those things have anything to do with how many dollars are in your pocket? If he had said you can’t get married till you earn more so you both could afford the wedding you both want, I would let it slide. That makes sense. You aren’t gonna throw the party of the year with no money in your pocket. But needing to make arbitrary x number of dollars because he somehow thinks that your paycheck is the sole determining factor for monetary based divorces? Ridiculous. You need to let him know how unfair that is and get to the bottom of why he’s so concerned. Does he actually think you aren’t trying to get a job? Does he think he can’t afford to support a wife and child? Does he have a problem with your money management? There has to be something else going on. You definitely need to chat with him again.

Post # 12
Member
1458 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

Still, marriage is about “for better or for worse” and what I read when he says he won’t marry you until you make a combined 80k is either: he believes you’ll take his money, he believes you are not good with money, you’re not financially solvent enough to deserve to be married to him, or money and income mean more to him that marrying the love of his life.  All are ridiclous, and I wouldn’t stand to be treated that way. And like other people have said, what if you do meet the magical 80k mark, but a week before the wedding he loses his job? What happens if it’s a week after the wedding? Major red flags here…

Post # 13
Member
1714 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2016

My parents are both doctors, very well-to-do, married for 20+ years (I think almost 23). They fight about money – Dad likes to save, save, save whilst mum wants to buy things like loose diamonds and jewellery (she’s more a spender!). Yes, it’s a different monetary situation, but nevertheless they argue about how he pays his taxes all in one go as opposed to paying them over a period of time, things like extra electronics, etc etc…

My point is, regardless of your financial position, people will always fight. You can’t help it, it’s bound to happen. But more often than not, you bounce back! That’s the beauty of being in a relationship. I hope he comes around soon and I’m sorry you are feeling this way. As another Bee suggested, why not stick with CZ as a ‘placeholder’ until you get what you both want in an e-ring? IT’s the thought that matters after all, not the stone in the middle!

Post # 14
Member
14497 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

@annasaf83: hmmm.  Ok.  I can kind of see why he would not want to leap into getting married and putting himself a situation where he has to be the sole provider if that is not  something he is comfortable with or wants.  That is basically asking him to take you in provide everything financially for you.  Can you pick up a part time job to generate more income in the mean time to help save for the wedding and future kids/house/whatever?   Even if you do get married and want children, and he was willing to move forward, is that affordable/confortable on just his income or would you/he have to make drastic cuts that he is not comfortable with?

Post # 15
Member
14497 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

@annasaf83: hmmm.  Ok.  I can kind of see why he would not want to leap into getting married and putting himself a situation where he has to be the sole provider if that is not is not something he is comfortable with or wants.  That is basically asking him to take you in provide everything financially for you.  Can you pick up a part time job to generate more income in the mean time to help save for the wedding and future kids?   Even if you do get married and want children, and he was willing to move forward, is that affordable/confortable on just his income or would you/he have to make drastic cuts that he is not comfortable with?  2500 is not even minimum wage.  Do you mind my asking what you do?

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