(Closed) Memory and not money

posted 10 years ago in Beehive
Post # 3
229 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

First, I am surprised that some people believe they can "break even" (or perhaps they actually do).  My Fiance and I are planning our wedding, and not that we would ever consider "tallying" the value of our gifts, we just assume that the total value would be a fraction of the cost of the entire wedding.  And we 100% don’t care–we just want to include our friends and family in our big day, like you.

I have never considered not attending a wedding just to avoid having to give a gift.  In fact, isn’t it customary to give a gift even if you don’t attend?  At the very least, it’s a nice way to just show your appreciation for being invited (because there is so much thought that goes into that dang invitation list!) and to wish the couple well as they begin their married life.

As for our guests, I would be *heartbroken* if I learned that someone did not attend our wedding because they could not afford a gift.  People, if you are reading this and are in that boat, please consider just giving a card and writing a really, really nice message–most gifts will be replaced or outdated within 10 years anyway, but the message will last forever, as will the couple’s memory of your attendance at their wedding.
Post # 4
122 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

I’m with you, memory – not money.  But maybe I’m the naive one here, wouldn’t that be everyone’s answer?  I can’t imagine anyone planning a wedding thinking about what they’re going to get from guests or having that play a factor at all in what kind of wedding day they have.  At least that’s my hope.

It’s important to us as well to pay for our day, it’s also important to us to not go broke doing it, so we’re having a small’ish, casual affair that we’ll be able to pay for the day of and not days after. 

I think you’ve got the right idea, and I really think most others do too.  If you’re naive, then I am too.

Post # 5
286 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2007

I don’t think anyone should expect to recover the cost of a wedding.  To expect so is setting yourself up for a potential financial disaster.  That said, I think realistically, you will get some money for wedding.  There’s always someone who will give a monetary gift (unless you are talking about a party for 5 people and you know what they’re bringing you).  But that amount can range from a fraction of your wedding cost to more than the wedding cost.  Who knows?

Post # 6
2292 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

I absolutely agree.  But apparently in some culture it’s customary for guests to give money, and often the monetary gifts end up equal to the cost of the reception.

Of course, a lot of people who haven’t gotten married just don’t understand how much a wedding costs.  My step-daughter kept trying to add to our guest list, saying "But if you have more guests you’ll get more presents! It won’t really cost you money."  I finally had to explain to her what we were actually spending per head, and ask her if she really thought her friends in particular (we had invited several) were going to be spending that much or more on a gift.

In fact, several of our guests just wrote us a lovely poem, or a card with good wishes, or made us a simple gift.  We don’t love those any less than our fancy food processor and our espresso machine.  There is as much or more love in those gifts than in the ones ordered from Macy’s online.

Post # 7
2004 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2008

People are so weird about money! That’s so rude they asked you about recouping the cost of your wedding.

I would guess that guests decline on financial grounds do so more because of the cost of travel and hotel than the cost of the gift. Many of my guests were from really far away and I didn’t really blame them for staying home. The important ones were (almost) all there and that’s what mattered. We’ve gotten gifts from some who couldn’t make it, which I thought was a nice gesture.

As long as you and your fiance are on the same page about why you’re spending money on your wedding and what your expectations are, that’s all that matters.

Post # 9
2640 posts
Sugar bee

That’s funny, because my family can be the same way.  Keep track of who gave what and trying to give $ based on the cost per plate.  The problem with that is, how do you know the cost per plate?  Are you expected to call the reception hall to ask?  Also if someone can afford a fancy place, maybe they don’t need the money as much as someone who couldn’t afford that.  As for keeping track of what someone gave you, I don’t think that’s a bad "guide".  But there are a lot of factors for that like how much they can afford to give and how much you can afford etc.

Boy even if everyone gave you enough to pay for their plates, there are still other costs for the wedding.  I agree anyone who is hoping to pay for their wedding with money they get in gifts needs to understand monetary donations will still leave you short of total costs.

Post # 10
601 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

I’ll never get over that whole idea to give money based on plate,etc and trying to break even.
A wedding is a celebration, you invite those you want to share in that, and you should expect nothing in return (but for them to come and be happy and add to the delightful event)


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