(Closed) Men and miscarriage

posted 6 years ago in TTC
Post # 3
Member
5958 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2018

@Sunshine09:  Oh honey, it’s terribly sad and would just tuck you in on our sofa and cry with you if I could…I know it’s hard, and it’s a very specific and acute loss that your dealing with…men don’t get it, and it’s hard for them to bond with a person they don’t know.  Pregnancies are a little existential for men, and babies, until they are born are more conceptual and fragmented in their minds because there is no tactical interaction between the two of them, like mother and child.

I think you are both doing an amazing job at communicating and that is what’s going to get you both through this, he doesn’t get frustrated with you for being upset, it’s important to avoid getting upset with him because he isn’t, you two are a unit and this too shall pass.

*HUG*

Post # 4
Member
2856 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I can totally relate. I’ve found myself holding a lot of stuff in around Darling Husband because he just doesn’t get it, and I feel like he’s judging me and thinking I’m being a baby when I tell him I’m still upset. He was really sad at first, but after learning that so many of his friends had been through the same thing he seems to have completely written it off as an everyday occurrence, like it’s actually no big deal and it was bound to happen. Like it SHOULD have happened. We went out for dinner on Friday night and I was quiet in the restaurant because I kept looking around and seeing so many babies everywhere. I got sad since it marked a week since the MC, and just wasn’t my peppy self. He asked what was wrong, so I told him I was a bit sad. He outright said to me “I don’t know why you’re so upset, it happens to everyone. You just need to get over it”. Well, I kinda flipped – in the most quiet voice I could muster. Then I started crying and he immediately realized he was wrong……he apologized and called himself an insensitive prick. And I agreed with him πŸ˜‰ I know he now realizes that it’s just not that simple for me, but he’s totally over it and he doesn’t UNDERSTAND why I might not be.

I’m chalking it up to the complete ignorance of being a man, and the fact that he doesn’t have a bunch of hormones racing through his body. I think it’s also because as men they don’t really have much to do with the planning….they aren’t constantly googling symptoms and getting to see the BFN’s. They aren’t emotionally invested BEFORE they learn of the BFP. We are. EVERY SINGLE CYCLE, we ARE.

*hugs* Even if he doesn’t understand….we do! XOX

Post # 5
Member
755 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I could have written your post word for word. The sucky thing about it too, is I have been taking out my sadness/anger on my poor Darling Husband who is the most loving, kind, wonderful guy a girl could ask for. Being crabby, etc. which is not fair to him. Don’t do what I do! Like @MrsPuddingface  said men are ignorant and faced with stuff like this they are just clueless. My Darling Husband is just optimistic and thinks that it will happen again and that it wasn’t meant to be, which I agree with, but it doesn’t make it any easier.

@MrsPuddingface:  I am sorry he said that. I am glad he realized what he said was wrong and apologized. We all need to be kind to each other. I know I do.

I am thankful for these boards!

Post # 6
Member
190 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Agreed. Men just don’t get it.  As @MrsPuddingface: said we are invested way before we get a BFP and men aren’t.  When I was pregnant I went to Target to buy prenatals and came home with a bunch of healthy snacks and drinks and everytime after the MC that I pulled out something I bought that night at Target to eat he tries to say it’s “baby food.”  After about the 5th time he figured out I mean it not to say that because it’s upsetting.  Now, he is constantly asking men when I’ll get my period or when I’ll get pregnant again…now wouldn’t it be something if I freaking knew that! It’s definitely annoying when they don’t stop to think we have absolutely ZERO control over this whole thing. UGGHHH!

Post # 8
Member
1297 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@Sunshine09:  First off, I’m so sorry for your loss. πŸ™

My mom’s first pregnancy ended in a miscarriage. She said my dad didn’t really “get it” until after my older brother was born. When he held that baby, he finally understood and grieved what he had lost.

Post # 9
Member
9142 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

Guys generally don’t understand the connection a mother instantly has the moment she sees the two lines on a pregnancy test.  From that moment as a mother we are not alone, we are carrying a baby and losing that baby to miscarriage even at an early stage is devastating.  I don’t think fathers feel that instant connection because all they see are two lines on a pice of paper until you start showing and they can feel the kicks themselves.  We start noticing our full breasts and strange smells, all the while knowing everyhting we do, everything we eat or drink is affecting that little being growing inside of us.  It really is a surreal experience and no man can truly understand it because they will never actually experience it.

I don’t believe you can hold it against him and he will probably never really understand.  My ex didn’t and he even had a child from a previous relationship.  Hopefully you have a mom or sister or friend you feel comfortable talking to and they are more likely to understand what you are going through.  He is probably just tired of having the same discussion about the miscarriage over and over again.  If you feel like the subject of conversation isn’t done between you and him, then put all of your feelings down on paper, give it to him, and drop the subject of miscarriage for a little while.  Men tend to ignore painful subjects while women want to talk them to death and I think that is what he is doing now to cope with your loss which he probably feels bad about because it’s hurting you not because he feels a true sense of loss for the baby.  Find another outlet and give him some time to cope and recover the only way he knows how.

Post # 11
Member
2856 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@LuluH:  He was sorry too! I know it wasn’t meant to be mean, and he definitely didn’t say it in a mean way….I think in his own way he was trying to help. But he just doesn’t get it. He knows I’m still hurting, but he doesn’t understand it. And that’s fine, I’m OK with it…..just don’t tell me what I should be feeling and how I should be healing and how I should be grieving. I’m not on any timeline. He just doesn’t like to see me upset, and he’s feeling pretty helpless at this point to do anything about it.

@beachbride1216:  “We start noticing our full breasts and strange smells, all the while knowing everyhting we do, everything we eat or drink is affecting that little being growing inside of us.  It really is a surreal experience and no man can truly understand it because they will never actually experience it” – SO true!

@Sunshine09:  Not only are we invested in each cycle, I think the longer we try the more invested we become. Our BFN’s are seen as failures, and every time we get one it puts more pressure and more hope into the next cycle. Meanwhile, the men have no idea what’s going on and they go about their days in complete and blissful ignorance – or at least, mine does. A huge part of my initial reaction to my BFP was RELIEF…..knowing that it could happen, it did happen, and I wouldn’t have to go through another TRY. That my body could be my own again, that it would start making sense again. That instead of trying to make it perform, I could just sit back and watch it perform. I could sit back and just appreciate it, instead of hating it for failing me. Well…that wasn’t meant to be. Amazingly though, I feel less pressure on this next cycle than I did with any of the trying cycles before. So I’m thankful for that.

@TheNewlyMrsD:  I’m surprised you didn’t throat-punch him by the 5th time. I’m so sorry honey *hugs* I told Darling Husband I felt pukey the other day (a week after the MC) and he comes out  all excitedly with “maybe you’re pregnant again!!!!”. Like….really?! My very tempered, slow and deliberate response (so as not to call him a dum-dum) – “erm…..no baby, it doesn’t work that way”.

Post # 12
Member
46 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: December 2011

I love this post, and the conversation that follows. This is exactly what happened to Darling Husband and I. He didn’t even believe I was pregnant (thought it was a fluke, really). He didn’t get to experience the serious nausea, the bigger boobs, or the feeling that you’re growing another person — he just saw the two lines. :/

 

Big hugs to others who have had to go through this. πŸ™

Post # 14
Member
868 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@Sunshine09:  HUGS to you- this is a terrible thing to have to go through, and to feel “alone” in it makes it even worse, I know.  Darling Husband and I really struggled after our mc for the same reasons you and your husband are.  I think he expected, no hoped, that I would bounce back to my normal, optimistic self and I really got caught in the sadness of our loss.  After 3 months or so, I asked him if we could have a really honest discussion about how I felt after the mc.  He told me that he saw me being very sad and fragile (which I was) and he felt like he had to be the “man” and be strong and optimistic so I knew that we would get through this.  When I told him it felt like he “forgot” about it and moved on too quickly he said that although he didn’t “forget” he did work incredibly hard not to think about it.  I think this may be one big difference between most men and most women.  I wanted to remember the baby, wanted to feel my feelings and acknowldge that it did happen.  He wanted to do the opposite.  While he was sad, it was easier for him to move past it as opposed to let himself feel the grief that I know he had deep down.

I know its hard (and sometimes not helpful) to hear “It will get better”, but maybe if you try to think of this as your DH’s way of trying to protect you from having to feel any more pain than absolutely necessary, it might be easier to deal with . I think most men are born with the need to protect and my thought is that that might be what he’s trying to do.

I hope you start feeling more like your “normal” self soon- it’s hard, I know.  We’re thinking of you!

Post # 16
Member
2856 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@MRSLMA:  Beautifully put. I’m sorry for your loss XOX

@Sunshine09:  I wish I could “like” your last sentence πŸ˜‰

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