Post # 1
Do they change? Has anyone experienced them changing? From my experience, they do not change their minds.
I am asking because I have a friend/acquaintance who is in her late twenties dating a guy in his late thirties for the last few years. I know the guy has had a relationship with at least one woman for 6+ years who left him because he straight up told her he did not want to marry or have kids ever. Not – not with HER, but not EVER. I know this because I have known him longer than I have known my friend and longer than my friend has known this guy. However, I do not know if SHE knows about why his last relationship ended.
She has casually mentioned a couple things to me that make me think she is antsy for marriage and kids. Because I know his past I feel like she is being strung along just like his last girlfriend. While I don’t feel like I am good enough friends with her to say anything, I feel like she should know his past. Should I stay out of it or say something? Should I mention it to a mutual friend that is closer with her?
Post # 3
i don’t think they change. a friend of mine has said he doesn’t want kids for the past 10 years and he still doesn’t. don’t ever try to change them but dont get in the middle. she will probably think she knows better and you might end up burned for meddling.
Post # 4
Tell her that she should talk to him-that way she hears it straight from him, and then it is her decision on whether she wants to stay with him or not.
It is possible he has changed his mind, although I’d say at his age it’s unlikely.
Post # 5
@plzhalp: I wouldn’t get into the middle of it. Those type of conversations should come up in a relationship, and if they don’t, its the person’s own fault for not bringing it up. 6 years together and no mention of the guys views on marriage or kids?? Did they never have a conversation about each other’s future plans? I find that hard to believe…
Post # 6
I don’t know about men, but I used to never, ever, ever want marriage or kids. Seriously. I have divorced parents, I was super cynical about the idea of marriage and I couldn’t stand to be around kids. It changed for me when I met someone who I realized I wanted that type of future with.
Honestly, I would stay out of it. If they’ve been dating for a few years and have not yet discussed whether they are on the same page about their future, there’s something seriously wrong… but regardless, it’s something they need to approach in their own time.
Post # 7
I don’t see how she’s being strung along. She needs to have this conversation with him. The next time she brings up marriage/kids I would ask her if he’s said anything that makes her think he’s on the same page. If shes the one bringing it up its up for discussion. If you don’t feel comfortable thats fine, its not your job to warn her.
Post # 8
- Wedding: July 2012 - Baltimore Museum of Industry
You should stay out of it, especially since you’re not close to her.
Marriage and children will come up in every relationship. Your friend probably already knows that he doesn’t want to be married, or have kids. He may have changed his mind as he’s gotten older, but any woman who wants marriage/children will have brought it up at some point to her SO.
Post # 9
I think you should say something.Sorry but if I was in her shoes I’d want to know. In a lot of relationships, marriage and kids don’t come up for years.
This man is a scumbag for not telling her immediately if he doesn’t want to have kids/ marriage. It should be something he’d tell women in the first month.
Post # 10
While people do change over the years, especially in regards to wanting/not wanting kids or marriage, it’s really not your place to put yourself in the middle of things. Your friend is going to bring these things up sooner or later, in her own time and in her own way, and hopefully in a manner that her SO will at least be willing to hear. Let her.
Post # 11
It’s possible he’s already been clear to her that never wants those things. Look at George Clooney. The guy could not have been more adamant to the entire world that he’ll never marry again, ever, yet woman after woman throws herself at him hoping he’ll change for her. I saw him in an interview once where he was like: I announced this to the world – how is that not clear?
You can say something to her, but I doublt it will accomplish much. If she’s in love with him, she’ll have a hard time giving up on him.
Post # 12
I would stay out of it. To answer your question, I don’t think it usually changes. My ex was like that and I think men who are established and in that age range for the most part are being honest when they say it’s not something they want for themselves.
Post # 13
i absolutely think men can change from person to person. perhaps he could not see it with her, but every relationship is different. i’m not saying this is always the case, but it happened to a friend of mine who got dumped bc she wanted those things and her bf didn’t. he’s now married w/ kids. she was not his person is all.
i do not think it’s any of your business and that you should let the couple uncover these things about each other.
Post # 14
I think a lot of this is age dependent – when I was in my early 20s, I definitely didn’t want marriage or kids. If this guy has made it to his late 30s not wanting kids or marriage, and hasn’t had kids or gotten married yet, then I would believe him. She isn’t going to change him and she’ll save herself a lot of frustration not trying to.
Post # 15
- Wedding: August 2013 - Brookfield Zoo
I don’t think you should go out of your way to tell her about it since you are not close, but next time marriage or kids come up it would be good to kind of throw in a “have you talked to xx about that?” You probably don’t even need to go any further than that (and be sure to avoid painting it in a negative light like “his last gf left him because he couldn’t commit, he’ll never change!!” otherwise she will probably just get defensive) just.. ask and let her figure it out for herself. It would suck for her to end up like his last gf.. waiting out fruitlessly for 6 years.
Post # 16
My man who I met when he was 25 and I was 21 said he never wanted marriage ro kids with anyone. We were together for 6.5 years with a lot of arguements and heart ache over the marriage issue. Once he understood it was marriage or going our seperate ways he finally got his act together and proposed on our 7th anniversary and we were married on our 8th. But he was super nervous up until proposing and kept saying that marriage was a prison, and then after proposing it was like he turned a corner and realized it was going to be okay. But to get there we BOTH had to change, I had to mature and comprimise and he did too.
On the other hand, my cousin who is about 40 has had two long term relationships breakup because he wasn’t willing to commit. Both women hung on far too long I don’t know if they were dilluding themselves or if he strung them along, but obviously no one was happy in the end. He had even purchased a ring for one of the women and had it for years, but never really wanted to marry her, and clearly it is best that they didn’t get married. I am pretty sure that his mom, who is a very blunt woman, probably tells the girlfriends what to expect, but whether they choose to hear what she says is a different matter.