- 5 years ago
- Wedding: July 2015
I am not entirely positive what I am attempting to achieve with this post. I guess I’m just trying to vent and get my words out instead of just keeping them bottled up. Its going to be a long post, and for that, I apologize.
Sometime last month my SIL decided she was going to throw a end of summer bash where only her close friends and our family was going. The idea was a movie in her backyard projected onto a white sheet and we would have drinks and set up tents to sleep in her yard. She’s got over an acre of land. Sounded fun. I requested the night off and requested another night off for a family vacation to Silverwood theme park with her and her husband.
Fast forward to Silverwood. We spent 300$ on this trip which I didn’t think was in our budget with not only my kids starting school, but also myself. She ended up giving us 150 to help, but we have to pay her back. So whatever, we go. And we spent that much just to sit at the wave pool all day. Family time was about an hour spent together. I worked the night before so I didn’t get any sleep, and I am grumpy when I don’t get any. The whole day just irritated me to high hell. Not fun and a waste of money.
So this party, she ended up doing a fb thing inviting 50 people, some of whom I know, others I don’t. Now we have a live band. On the night we went to Silverwood I said to my fiance I wasn’t going to stay the night. He said that was fine. The day starts getting closer and I start having doubts. This isn’t going to be fun for me. Ill explain that in a minute. By Wednesday, I didn’t want to go but said nothing. Friday rolls around. I don’t want to go. And I get in trouble for making this decision last minute. So instead of getting constantly nagged at, I get up get dressed and go. When we get there, we set up the tent and go to where this band is.
Now I’m going to explain the reason why I didn’t want to go. Since I was a child, I’ve always been shy. Growing up, I was diagnosed with depression more than you can count. I’ve had a lot of losses of loved ones close to me. By choice or by death. It is extremely hard for me to be myself, make friends, and be open to letting people care about me. I’m that wall builder. And throughout my life I’ve built more and more. The first couple years of mine and my fiances relationship was really rocky because I wouldn’t open up and let him care or love me. Finally I get over that fear of losing yet another person. He and I will be together 9 years in April. And we’ve been good since. Till this party. So, within the past year my anxiety has gotten way out of hand. I need help badly with it. And im trying to work on it. I am shy, I have crazy fears of loss still, and I’m really socially awkward when I try to talk to people I don’t know. I want badly for people to like me. I’ve been living here since 2006, and have no friends outside of family or work.
This night turned into me trying to hang out with the people I know instead of trying to get to know people. I can’t do it. But every time I went to hang out with those people, within a few minutes they’d leave. So I got tired of trying to fit in and getting left alone in the middle of this crowd of people I didn’t know. I went inside her house and tried to watch tv when I got into a fight with fiance. He basically told me that everything is not about me. And that I just am imagining things. So I left.
I get home and I’m talking to my coworker about the whole situation. She knows me pretty well. I’d say she is the closest thing to a friend I have, except we don’t do anything together outside of work. And I am only explaining to her that it upsets me that he isn’t understanding of this. He has known me since 9th grade (I’m 28 yo). My coworker has known me for less than a year. I told her I understand that I need help with my anxiety. He was right about that. But the rest nope. I wasn’t imaging being left alone. Nor was I saying pay attention to me! I hate being center of attention. I was just expressing that I was not comfortable being there and I was upset and gave him the reasons why.
So today when we got home (I had to go get him), he asked what I did when I got home. I told him I talked to my coworker to which he interrupted me and said “talking shit about me”. I read him the texts out loud. Every single word. And he proceeds to tell me that he told his sisters why I left. And said that I was mad because I was not being included. Which made me automatically feel like he was making me out to be the 5 year old little spoiled brat who didn’t get her way, so she ran away. So now I feel like a freaking dumbass around my in laws. And I’m highly annoyed and upset that he is not understanding at all. My situation sucks ass. And if I could change my anxiety, my shyness and my social awkwardness in an instant, you bet I would.
I think this is the longest I’ve been pissed off at him for in quite a long time. Idk what to do but ignore it. He is literally not a bad person at all, we rarely ever get into fights. We’ve had a fair share believe me. But they are rare. He has this issue with not letting me speak, making me sound like a whiner, and telling me I’m selfish when we do argue though. And this little argument we had this weekend, sucks. I won’t ever get a real “I understand where you are coming from” or an apology or even a hug for feeling down in the dumps. I have managed to get a “I understand, but you jut have to change. I did it.”. Hell if it was that damn easy for me, I would have done it years ago!
So really, idk what I’m trying to get at besides letting some steam off. I know I need some help with my anxiety. I just wish he would be more understanding with some things. Thanks for letting me vent. Now that its all said, I’ve got to get my ass back to work!