Post # 1
I saw the earlier post where someone was asking if having a mental illness or disorder would be a deal breaker for some or not. My brother’s wife of 20 years who he met in high school is bipolar and so this post and question interested me. As I read through the comments I saw many comments trying to clarify this was just an open discussion of would this be a deal breaker for some and why or why not? I then saw that the post was getting flagged and then closed. I don’t think that was necessarily fair. I think it is a fair question and debate to have because having a relationship, marrying, and having a family with someone who has an issue regardless of if it is physical or mental is something each person has to decide for themself. For my brother’s wife she has a pretty intense form of bipolar disorder and it really does affect my brother’s life and their daughter to a very extreme degree. My brother can’t travel more than a few hours from where they live and he rarely takes vacations. His daughter has also never traveled and has grown up being waken in the middle of the night to take mom to the hospital because she is manic and needs help. I once asked my brother why he wouldn’t come to a family wedding one year and he snapped. He said to me, Don’t you understand?! I can’t ever relax, I can’t ever feel peaceful, I can’t even think about trying to travel to a family wedding because at any moment my wife could get set off and have a manic episode. I was shocked and really sad about that. Her disorder now not only affects her life but it has a dramatic effect on my brother and their daughter. His wife is medicated and they can’t seem to find something that really works for her which is why she continues to have episodes. She only has an elderly mother that couldn’t take her in so if at this point my brother ever wanted a divorce I truly believe she would end up on the street. If I asked my brother, seeing what your life is like if you could go back would you choose her again? I really don’t think he would. Does everyone who has a mental illness have it to the same extreme his wife does? No. Many people are very high functioning. But should someone thinking about dating someone with a mental illness think about how that would impact their life and ask that person all those kinds of questions before dating them? yes. We should encourage people in all relationships to dig deep with eachother to understand what a life with that person would be like. We shouldn’t refuse to discuss it and ignore the problem. For me personally having seen what my brother’s life is like I would never choose someone with a mental illness as serious as bipolar no matter how severe or not severe it may be for that individual. For me it isn’t a risk I am willing to take. Does that make me horrible? I don’t think so. I think it is something people need to be able to discuss in a kind and rational way. A discussion about topics such as this are important, and hearing other’s stories is a great thing not a bad thing. I think we all deserve to be happy and loved and in fulfilling relationships. My hope is that this thread won’t be closed again simply because its a topic that is hard to discuss. I hope that anyone who would like to share can do so here in a kind and constructive way and hopefully walk away with some new insight and maybe some compassion.
Post # 2
My first 2 husbands both struggled with mental illness. The first marriage ended in divorce, the second in his death. I will NOT be with someone who is mentally ill again. It tore me down and I had to learn to find myself and who I was without codependency. My 3rd husband is indepenedent and healthy and fine, and it’s a breath of fresh air.
Post # 3
Some people are abusive assholes without having a mental illness. When you are asking your mental illness questions before dating someone (as you put it, you should ask before you consider dating them) will you be asking about their asshole tendencies as well?
Post # 4
I think that’s where the previous thread went wrong. It’s about how you treat other people, not about a mental illness. The previous thread had a poll about which mental illness was a deal breaker.
It should have been “what behavior would be a deal breaker for you”
Post # 5
Sansa85 : I was hoping this kind of reaction wouldn’t happen on this thread. I think people should ask potential mates all kinds of questions to figure out compatibility, shared interests, life goals, does that person want marriage, kids? This question fits into the idea that the more questions you ask a person the better equipped you will be to decide if this person is right for you and you right for them or not. I will also say that anyone at any time for any reason can choose not to date someone and that decision is their right and their choice and they shouldn’t have to defend it to anyone. Ill also add that all these conversations with potential mates as well as on this thread should be done with as much kindness and understanding as possible. This thread while made as a result of seeing the other thread is not to discuss the same question the previous person asked. This thread is to discuss other people’s experiences with mental illness in relationships in their lives and what that looks like for different people.
Post # 6
beesinging : Thanks for sharing. I understand your choice and respect it.
Post # 7
Id save it definitely depends on prognosis and how controlled the illness is and how likely that treatment is to continue working. Based on my life experience, bipolar and schizophrenia are deal-breakers, but something like anxiety and depression can be managed or lived with. It’s the same for physical disorders. If you know someone has a specific disability going in, then you need to decide if you can live with it. I suppose that’s like any personality trait lol. If you can’t love with someone who is a workaholic or mean to waitresses, it’s a deal-breaker and you both get the opportunity to move on and find someone who loves you for your imperfections.
This book isn’t really about mental illness, but it’s a great vacation read. I just finished it and highly r3commend it for an amusing read that makes you think about how people with mental challenges are people too and deserve respect and compassion, etc, stuff like that.
<h1 id=”title” class=”a-size-medium” style=”box-sizing: border-box; padding: 0px; margin: 0px; text-rendering: auto; color: #111111; font-family: ‘Amazon Ember’, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 1.8rem !important; line-height: 1.25 !important;”>Weekends at Bellevue: Nine Years on the Night Shift at the Psych ER by Julie Holland</h1>
Post # 8
It’s all about behavior. I don’t care about the diagnosis, but I do care about the behavior of the individual. I have a grandfather who is a real asshole piece of shit. I doubt he’s been diagnosed with a mental disorder.
My husband and I both have been diagnosed with depression and I have attention deficit disorder. I take medication for depression and do many things for self care.
I worry about people stigmatizing mental illness. Some people avoid getting it treated and avoid having their family members treated because of the stigma. That would be my concern with a question like this.
Post # 9
lulubelle2017 : I agree that would be a concern. I also think it is so helpful to hear stories like yours. Thanks for sharing!
Post # 10
anabolina : Thanks for the book recommendation! ill check it out. I once dated a man who had MS. For me that wasn’t a deal breaker at all but he told me that in college his girlfriend dumped him when he got diagnosed. That made me sad. I can’t speak for her and why she felt it was a deal breaker but I do think he was better off not being with someone who felt that way. I also think that if she didn’t see that challenge as something she wanted in her life she had the right to make the choice she did and move on even if i don’t agree. He and I didn’t end up together for different reasons but I was glad I could show him that not everyone cared about that.
Post # 11
Honestly I don’t think, as someone with three verified mental disorders, that there is anyway to discuss this topic in terms of dating, without offending someone, because this is the internet, and people get offensive quite easily when they don’t understand mental illness/disorders like others do.
Just my two cents.
No it’s not a deal breaker for me, and never was. If you can’t love someone despite their faults, you don’t love yourself. However in some cases, yes I can see how it would be a deal breaking. my husband is bipolar, it does wear you down, mentally and physically.
Post # 12
Just a heads up, your thread might be okay but it might also be closed because you are referring back to a closed thread and (for lack of a better term) questioning/disagreeing with the decision made by the mods which is against the TOS. So it might be better next time to leave out the portions where you stated you think the mods decisions were unfair as that could be the thing that gets it closed down.
Post # 13
I believe that almost anything can be a dealbreaker at the dating stage. When it comes to choosing a life partner it is perfectly acceptable to be selfish or risk avoidant for any reason at all.
Post # 14
ladyjane123 : I am right there with you. I tried it once. Never again.
although I have to say it seems he is better with his new wife. Or I am so far out of the loop, I just don’t see when he goes off. Either way, glad his issues are no longer my concern.
Post # 15
ladyjane123 : I’m closing this because you are referring to a closed thread which is a violation of the TOS and you are questioning the decisions by the moderators which is another vio, as slomotion : explained so well.
additionally, there was a note left by me at the end of that thread as to how to have the discussion without being closed which made it clear what the problem was, so it’s odd that that part was skipped.