- 6 years ago
Hi everybody, so the title pretty much says it all. I have borderline personality disorder and am also bipolar. I’m not on any medication currently so it’s been really hard to control my outbursts and episodes. I took myself off my medication because I was on such an extremely high dose that I was experiencing memory loss, slurred speach, stuttering, trouble keeping balance, the list goes on. My psych didn’t want to take me off the medication but it was really making my life horrible, I could barely even speak at times because putting sentences together was such a task. Now that I am on no medication, waiting has been even harder for me. (Not like it was easy while I was on meds.)
My boyfriend and I have been together going on three years in April. Still…no proposal. Things keep getting in the way and it’s making me very depressed. I feel like I’m meant to never get married, even engaged. I can feel myself at times thinking irrationally and it’s really hard to stop. At first I thought he didn’t want to marry a fat woman, so I lost 40 pounds. (He assured me that thats not it and hates when I bring up my weight.) Now I think it’s because I’m ugly, need to fix my teeth, just FIX myself. I feel like an ugly monster both visibly and mentally. When I see my married or engaged friends I think that they are so much more beautiful than me and how much better they are at making their man happy. I know it is my brain making me think funky stuff but still, it’s hard to ignore it.
My mother doesn’t make it any easier for me either. She has always been supportive of me my with my mental problems, but lately she is making me feel like I am inferior to my married friend, a girl who calls my mom “mom”. My mom says how BEAUTIFUL their wedding photos are, how she is so great, that she hopes I’ll look as good as her on my wedding day, that she is so beautiful that I should try to take beauty tips from her (My friend is 350 pounds, so now I feel inferior to bigger women) I automatically assumed that my mom thought that I got too thin and needed to put on weight. I now look at my friend’s pictures and can’t help but think she is better than me in every way.
My boyfriend gets upset at me when I bring up getting married because he always says the same thing “I need to take care of a few things financially first.” But then I bring up how some of my friends had very little money and still got married, his response is “well I’m not them, I want to buy a nice ring and have a nice wedding. I don’t want to get married at a courthouse without a ring.” I understand what he wants, but waiting is just so darn hard. He is $5000 in debt and is going to start making payments in September.
I just always wanted to get married and have babies before 30, and now I’m almost 28. I have wrinkles around my mouth and gray hair. I feel like I am going to look hidious when my wedding day does finally come, and people will think I look old. They say there is no such thing as an ugly bride, but I will be the exception in my whacked out brain. =(
I am even becoming jealous of my boyfriend’s mother. I think she is better looking than me even though my boyfriend said even thinking that is the stupidest thing he has ever heard. Shes one of those women who can’t do anything on her own and always needs a man to do it for her, even though she is not girly at all. She can’t even drive. I’m like, if she could get a man to marry her at 25, who thought she was beautiful and they had little to no money…why can’t I? Shes crazier than me also.
What do I do? Please don’t get mad at me I have no where to go to vent. All of my friends are married and tell me I shouldn’t get married, enjoy being single. My boyfriend’s mother just says things like “Well my friends dated for 18 years before they got married. You guys should try that! They started dating in fourth grade!” My mom tells me that I’m stupid for making a big deal out of wanting children and getting married…but she keeps rubbing new info about my friend’s having kids, getting engaged, married, anniversaries in my face. Sigh….I’m sorry if I sound stupid. Please don’t call me names, thats all I got the last time I vented. How can I stop feeling so gross and inferior to my married and engaged friends? Sorry for the long post…I promise my next one wont be so crazy. =(