- 3 years ago
- Wedding: November 2014
I’ve had quite a few posts in the past about my FMIL inappropriate actions, and outbursts and my possible fears that she has some mental problems that have been neglected….actions such as presenting a will and claiming to be dying of cancer right after our engagement, outburst over holidays, insulting me and my family, regular lying, and just general bi polar actions happy one moment then a blink of an eye shes on a completely illogical rampage….
<br />I have always held my tongue with her, agreed with her and given into demands to keep the peace. This most recent outburst I finally had to say something and my fiance had to finally put his foot down. <br /><br />I am not really looking for advice or judgement, I just need to vent, get it all out because its still bothering me. <br /><br />A couple weeks ago my FMIL had an event where she was becoming president of her local networking club thingy….and it was on a Thursday at 5:00 over an hour away from where FI works. My FMIL asked my fiance to come to the event and he said he will try to make it. It was a workday so in order for him to be there by 5:00 he would need to leave work around 3:00 because of traffic, stpping for gas and some time for getting lost and parking in the city. Well the day of the event some things came up at work so he told her he wasnt going to be able to make it and that he needed to stay at work.
Money is tight for us, we are trying to pay off debt, pay for the wedding and save for the future, all of our parents know that we need every minute we can get at work……so we thought she would understand that situation that he needed to stay at work. There have been lots of layoffs at his company, he lost overtime and they are restructuring things so leaving early on a workday at this point especially when he has to take off days for the wedding coming up is not smart. He made the quick decision to stay at work for fear of being viewed poorly and losing his job, he made this decision and in turn meant he couldnt go to her event. Het notified her around 4:00pm and she said thats ok we can plan something later. So we thought everything was ok.
I will admit notifying her so late in the day can be a disappointment and I can see someone getting frustrated with that, but its nothing that warrants what happened the rest of the night.
She posted on her business facebook page minutes after he told her he couldnt go and she posted saying “Its nice to see what you truly mean to people. Ouch” Then she started texting my FI photos of her with other men saying “hes filling in for you tonight” and she posted those photos to facebook. Then as the night progressed the text messages got more volatile and angry. It was very strange, it seemed like a jilted teenager after they have been stood up, it seemed like she was trying to make a boyfriend jealous or something.
Around 11:00pm that night my FI got a message on facebook from his aunt (his moms sister) saying how disappiinted she was in his behavior and neglecting his mother for an event that meant so much to her, his aunt went on to say that she heard how we didnt care for his mother on mothers day and how we treated her as an afterthought and neglected her. His aunt was at the event so we know out of anger his mother was lying to people to make my FI and myself look bad. The truth is I got her a very nice very expensive sweater and a card for mothers day weeks in advance. I work reatil and I was a sunday so I didnt take mothers day off, not even to see my own mother because its still time and a half pay here. My FMIL wanted to golf and wanted margaritas so my FI took her golfing and to lunch while I was at work, and gave her the gift we got her. We didnt see my mother or get my mother a gift because we didnt have the money and she knew I needed to work. We also didnt get gifts or cards or see our fathers on fathers day either. My FMIL was the only one who got anything for mothers day and we ot her presents and took her out because we know those are the things she needs to feel loved so we did what we could.
Things just started to continue from there my FMIL was sending these harassing messages to my Fi about it, being rude, saying things about me……all because he couldnt go to her party where she became president of her culb. Hes her son, not her husband and I would assume most mothers or parents in general would want their children to put their jobs and their futures first. My FI made a decision, a decision to not her his job or his career, to protect us and our future.
So instead of getting nasty with her I sent her a message letting her know that my FI is sorry he didnt go to the event, that her loves her even when he can’t be there for her. I told her not to feel offended and we will find time to celebrate her acomplishment later. I told her that just because he didnt make it doesnt make her acomplishment any less important. I also let her know we didnt see my mother or our fathers for mothers day or fathers day and how she was the only one that got time or attention. I let her know that it really hurt my feelings that she lied to people about not getting anything for mothers day and how I really puttime and effort into getting her a gift because I wanter her to know that I cared……..well she didnt like that…….she started making excuses for her behaviour and how she has ‘earned the right to have her son be there for her because of all the things shes done for him”….’i was in a horrible marriage and no one has ever been there for me, so I earned having him here with me”…….so as the conversation went on It became even more clear to me that we really are dealing with a mentally unstable woman. Its clear she thinks parenting is about getting back exactly what you gave, it was clear she thinks my FI owes her for the bad marraige between my fiances father and her. She clearly has this image of her son as a surrogate husband or boyfriend so she holds him to the standards of a partner not a son……. She is always a victim, people are always doing things to her, shes never responsible for any of her actions or behaviours and she thinks that people owe her constantly for the hardship she has dealt with.
We have kind of cut her from our lives, not completely as she is his mother and one day shes going to need care, shes not getting any more stable so if we abandon her it wont be good years from now. We have set our limits and our boundaries and if shes not going to respect them then we will have to cut her out completely unfortunately.