Post # 1
Hi, I need a lot of help from you guys, I really messed up our wedding and engagement and my wife is heartbroken and sad, we have been married for 3 years now and I really want to fix it.
I will be honest about what I did to her but please don’t bite; I know how bad the things I did are…
It all started in 2006 when I met her, we dated for about two and a half years when she started to let me know that she wanted to get married, I was 22 and she was 21, I felt to immature and young and told her that I am not ready for marriage but she told me that what I feel would change after we got married… anyway, I asked her to marry me to keep her happy and to keep her from being sad. After a while of being engaged, I just had to tell her that I couldn’t keep it up since I just didn’t feel ready for the commitment, and I broke the engagement after a big fight with her… we didn’t stop dating of loving each other, but I told her we needed to put the engagement on hold, I even got my mother to help me with excuses for postponing the wedding…
Anyway, she was very sad and hart broken about what I had put her through and the things I had done. During this time of being sort of engaged with her, I found God and became ready for the commitment. I really wanted to marry her by then so I asked her to marry me again and this time we were both ready for it and she said yes…
anyway, when the day of the wedding came, we could both feel an atmosphere from our families and guests since they all knew about our family fights over the wedding and the fact that I didn’t what to marry her at first, they all felt that it was fake and that we were not meant for each other and that I was only doing it to keep her happy, it just felt wrong, at the reception afterward, our families didn’t talk to each other and NO ONE danced! It was CRAP…
I really messed up!!! How can I fix a crappy wedding? How can I give here the fairy tale wedding that I stole and kept from her? It is 3 years ago and she still cries about her wedding every time she sees a romantic wedding in a movie or when someone in our families gets married? She feels that every girl on the planet gets there fairy-tale wedding except for her, it was robed from her by me…. please help me to fix this, I really love her and I want to give her wedding back….
Post # 3
You need to stop blaming yourself and you both need to focus on your marriage. The wedding itself is not the issue.
You told her you weren’t ready, and neither of you were – if she believed that getting married will make you want to be married, then she has a lot to learn too. Do you guys have unsettled family drama that needs to be addressed? It sounds like you think your families aren’t happy for you. Have you spoken with them about this since the wedding? Have you confronted and resolved all of the issues?
You could re-propose and plan a big vow renewal and party once everything has settled so you can celebrate with your families if that would make her happy…but I’d spend that money on counseling so you can move past the wedding and onto building a marriage that will last.
Post # 5
no, our family issues are pretty much resolved, although my wife still don’t like my mother a lot, see, my parents aren’t very emotional about things and it makes my wife angry that my mother tells her the wedding was beautiful when my wife feels it wasn’t how she wanted it…
I believe that a big part of the problem is that I told her about a year after the wedding that I will fix it and make it better, but I haven’t done anything yet, because I just don’t know what can fix such a big hurt in her life? I mean how do you give someone something like that? What could possibly fix it? Everything I can think of seems inadequate….
I doubt that counselling will help, we have been to counselling and se came away from that very well, she said that she had put it behind her then… but every time she sees a wedding she gets angry and explodes because of all the hurt… especially now because my brother in law is getting married in a few months and she is sad because his girl will get what she will never have…
Post # 6
@Ellegee: I completely agree!
Post # 7
Well, whenever brides come on here complaining about their wedding that is years past and feeling like they were robbed because of a situation like this (which IMO you, not her, were in the right about), I pretty much tell them in nicer words that they need to get over it, stop torturing their poor guy over something he can’t change, and focus on their marriage.
But if you want to do something special for her, how about taking her on a vacay to somewhere tropical and having a private vow renewal on the beach? If that’s not enough for her…then I think maybe you two should consider counseling, because if it’s been years and she is so fixated on this one day that she cries instead of being happy for them when other people get married, I think you really need help from an outside source in getting her to realize that her current behavior, not the wedding, is going to end up being what hurts your marriage. I know you said you two tried it before and it helped, but clearly you quit going too soon if she can’t muster up any excitement rather than anger over other people’s weddings. No wedding is really perfect or a fairytale, and it sounds like her family is the ones who were being judgemental and causing the issues the day of anyways, so if she should’ve been angry with anyone it would be them – but she should really be way past that at this point. Your wedding day wasn’t perfect. Pretty much no one’s is, but people choose to focus on the good – mainly the important part, that the two of you were married!
Post # 8
She wants me to fix it… I understand you though and I have tried to explain the same thing to her, but she is adament…
her argument is as follows, I love flying, its been my dream to fly since childhood, she wants to know how I will feel if someone were to come along and take that dream from me. what would i feel? how will i get over it… now it was her dream to have a fairy tale wedding, its been taken from her, it wasnt how she wanted or dreamed of it, how can she just let it go?
that’s what she wants to know from me… it seems the only way to get her to move on past this is to fix it somhow, I love her so much, I dont want to be without her, but she doesnt beleve it because I havent done anything to fix it.
Post # 9
Do a five year destination vow renewal!
Post # 10
What is SHE doing to help fix this? It sounds to me like she has/had totally unrealistic expectations of your wedding or marriage. If you weren’t ready then she should have accepted that and waited if the two of you were meant to be together. Honestly she sounds very selfish…only thinking about what she lost and putting all that blame on you.
Post # 11
I hear you… thanks, I just wish that I had done things deferently..
Post # 12
Honestly, it’s just one day out of your whole lives. Not everyone’s wedding day is perfect, and in fact a lot of peopleare too crazy busy to even remember most of what happened on the day.
IMO, she had an unrealistic expectation of what a wedding day was supposed to be, and she isn’t focusing on what matters – the marriage. If you’re going to livetthe rest of your life being told you ruined her wedding, what a sad life.
Plan a vow renewal at 5-10 years, but honestly there’s no way to “fix” a day that’s already happened. It’s done. Move on, focus on the marriage.
Post # 13
@Ellegee: I totally agree with this as well!
@Gabiel: Big big hugs to you and your wife. I’m sorry that she’s feeling this way!
Post # 14
Thank you, I beleve she will want to talk after work today… will see how it goes…
Post # 15
I do not think you did anything wrong. I feel she was wrong for forcing you to get engaged the first time, when you weren’t ready. I feel like she is the cause for all the drama and all the pain. No one should get married before they are ready, for any reason.
Anyway. Someone already suggested it, but I will second the romatic vacation with a possible vow renewal. If she can’t appreciate that, then there is really nothing else you can do, but wait for her to grow up and get over it.
Post # 16
She sounds very immature and more interested in a wedding than a marriage. She needs to grow up and get over it – it was 3 years ago for god’s sake!