(Closed) Messed up engagement and wedding

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 17
Member
3885 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Yup she pretty much needs to get over it, and maybe taking a break from the romantic movies and reality shows will help, because those plant an artificial notion in your head of what a wedding day is like.  There are plenty of couples who cannot have a fairytale wedding and yet have happy, loving marriages. The wedding does not define the marriage, and it’s not entirely healthy for anyone to indulge that idea for 3 long years.

Save up your money, throw a big 10-year anniversary party with all the bells and whistles and romance, but spend the next 7 years actually being married and stop looking back. (PS I would do a 10-year party rather than a 5-year party just because it’s further away and helps reinforce that you’re not having a do-over; you’re celebrating a milestone anniversary.)

Post # 19
Member
494 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

What if you planned a nice vow renewal for your 5th wedding anniversary? You could go to Hawaii or somewhere romantic, just the two of you, hire a photographer and take some pictures, make it really romantic. 

Post # 20
Member
853 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

“[T]he fairy tale wedding that [you] stole and kept from her?”

I’m sorry, but I don’t think there is anything you can do to ‘make up for it.’  It sounds as though she had unrealistic expectations of what her wedding day should be and if it wasn’t the families not dancing or the wedding being postponed that she focuses on, it would have been that the chicken was cold or the flowers were the wrong shade.

I firmly believe that no one has a “perfect” wedding in the sense that everything goes without a hitch and all things are without any flaws.  Life isn’t like that.  What makes a wedding “perfect” is joining your life to the one you cannot be without.  By focusing on the superficial details of the wedding this many years after makes me question how much she values the marriage.

If she’s blaming you for both of your mistakes you do need to get into counseling, both of you, together.  That is poison to your marriage that she is still blaming you for not having a perfect wedding.

The short of it?  There’s nothing you can do to fix the wedding.  The long of it?  You both need marriage counseling and she needs to start letting go over her resentment of a “failed dream” because this resentment will fester and begin to bleed over until it takes over.

Post # 21
Member
25 posts
Newbee

You can’t fix the wedding. It sounds like it wasn’t very fun. You can’t fix it.

My advice is to work on the relationship and work on being stronger than ever. When your 10 year anniversary rolls around, throw an “I told you so” vow renewal party. Hopefully by then your families will realize they were wrong, and you can all recognize your differences and celebrate the win in the end. This is going to be one of those “actions speak louder than words” situations, and unfortunately, there’s no action you can take RIGHT NOW to change everyone’s mind about you as a couple.

If you love her, and she loves you, just keep that in focus. Take care of each other. Build a strong relationship over time. And when things work out for you in the long run, your families will be forced to admit that though it didn’t look good at first, that you made a commitment, you love each other, and it was the right thing in the long run.

Post # 22
Member
2103 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

Seriously, she needs to get over it.

I appreciate that you want to do what you can to ease her pain, but you did not steal her dream away from her. Things worked out the way they worked out and what’s important is that the two of you are happily married. And I hope that your families doubt is gone, and they realize that you two are good together.

If a gesture is necessary, I reccommend a destnation type renewal, just the two of you, somewhere super romantic. Your families aren’t going to be as excited about a renewal as she’s going to want them to be, so a whole new production isn’t going to achieve the desired effect. Plan a super romantic get-away…write your own vows…hire a photog…get her a pretty gown and then put it to rest.

Post # 23
Member
3109 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

View original reply
@Gabiel:  I think she needs to stop hounding you about this. She agreed to marry you the second time. It is not your fault that people did not act the way she would have liked them to. She really needs to learn how to get past this- it shouldn’t be such an exposed nerve 3 years later. She should be more concerned about the MARRIAGE and less about the wedding.

Post # 25
Member
1487 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

She’s acting like a child. I think you need to stop indulging her. She seriously wouldn’t let you touch her 3 years later because of all this? You said things came out well in therapy, but they didn’t seem to. Does she recognize she’s being a complete baby and is being incredibly unfair to you. She has an equal part in the awkwardness at your wedding because she demanded marriage before you were ready. You were still so young! What was the rush? Oh yeah, she was forcing her dream on you. The point of a wedding is to be joined with a partner you love deeply. Doesn’t she have that?

She needs to get over it and work on a new dream.

Post # 26
Member
4801 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

View original reply
@Gabiel:  She wouldn’t let you TOUCH HER before this? Ugh. I don’t understand this at all. You are making vague promises you can’t possibly keep, and she is becoming furious over nothing when her perfect wedding do-over doesn’t magically materialize. I think you two need to get back into couples counseling.

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