(Closed) Messy back story with ex, might affect wedding? Need advice!

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 4
Member
2934 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 1996

*Hugs* I’m so sorry you’ve gone through all this; it’s tragic. The problems with your ex are entirely on him, not you. There’s nothing wrong with you. He is significantly broken in ways that may or may not be repairable, whereas you can heal and move forward and have an amazing life your Fiance.

Re: talking to your Fiance about the lost babies, do you have a therapist? I would recommend that you find one and have a session or two revolving around this issue, and get advice on how to talk to your Fiance about what happened. If possible, you could bring your Fiance to a session with your therapist and talk about it there, with someone who can support you during the difficult conversation. But you didn’t do anything wrong. Don’t go into it thinking that you need your FI’s forgiveness. Go into it to tell him about this super difficult time that you went through and how much you love him and wanted him to know, and how much you need his love and support while you continue to heal.

Post # 5
Member
1585 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Ok first of all, that sucks.

 

Now here’s the hard advice: Move on. Take the high road. He is a selfish asshole who deserves karma to hit him hard. But you can’t live your life in the past. Hopefully he’ll get what is coming to him, but if life is so great now, focus on the future. If you relive the past, you’ll only make yourself more miserable.

 

Perhaps see a therapist to help you get through these issues. This forum is good for support, but we can only do so much.

Post # 6
Member
9181 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA

Oh sweetie!  That sucks!!  What a dickhole.  Seriously, this stupid asshole doesn’t deserve any more of your thoughts.

As for deserving children, of course you do.  If you have a stable and loving relationship, your future children will be blessed to come into that household!  But it sounds like you’re pretty young and it think it would be smart to wait until you get your emotions sorted out before having a kid.  If you’re only 20 or mid-20s, you have plenty of time.

I very much second the advice to see a therapist.  Your last couple years sound very troubled and it can help SO MUCH to go talk to a professional.  Please please do this!!!  You deserve to be happy and this will help!

Post # 7
Member
2748 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@navywifenmoore:  (((((HUGS))))) What a horrible experience for you! I’m so sorry you had to go through that. Yes, it is completely normal for you to still be affected by all of that. Loss of children and such deep betrayal by someone you loved and trusted is traumatic, and honestly it may take years to heal. I second the advice of seeking a therapist to talk through all of it.

As for your fiance, he may be desperate to have children, but I don’t think he wants them at the expense of your health. You obviously aren’t emotionally ready to have them soon, and I would sit him down and explain that to him. He loves you and want you to be healthy and happy. Plus, having and raising a baby are incredibly stressful, and it would make it so much more difficult if you go into the process already stressed and in a sad place mentally. 

As for postponing, that is between you and your Fiance. You need to do what’s best for you. Good luck.

Post # 8
Member
1469 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I’m so sorry. You do deserve kids, but committing to getting married and having kids so soon seems rushed to me. It’s less than a year later. And you are still very young. I encourage you to take some time and not immerse yourself in another life so soon.

Post # 9
Member
1469 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Also, some people are just bad people, whether they are born that way or were conditioned that way. Please don’t waste your time or energy on wondering why he did what he did. He sounds like a monster and be glad he’s out of your life!

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