(Closed) MESSY live in boyfriend….VENT

posted 4 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
517 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

You need to discuss this issue with him. Can’t plan on living together peacefully if you dont start voicing your concerns now.

Post # 4
229 posts
Helper bee

@jackaroo1223:  I agree you need to have this talk with him, calmly and not in a fight situation where he will get defensive. You can’t really expect someone to change if they’ve always been that way.

But you need to set up a chore schedule with him, or something, because otherwise it’ll become too big of a problem to continue the relationship. Maybe start with an incentive program like a child doing chores, haha.

Post # 6
1558 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@jackaroo1223:  my fiance and I have a chore chart now. It really helps to have that daily reminder of what things need to be done that day and who is doing them.

Post # 7
2224 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

My Fiance was definitely way messier than I was when we first moved in, but he learned quickly! To me, helping to take care of the home is about respect, ESPECIALLY when you’re both working. Even if he doesn’t care about the mess, he should respect the fact that having a neat home is important to you and that you both need and deserve his help.

Try assigning him a few things to do every day or week. My Fiance is always responsible for taking out the trash and a few other things. Of course he helps with other tasks when I ask (and even sometimes on his own), but it helps to have a clear cut list of things your SO HAS to do, no matter what.

Post # 8
2390 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I’d just stop cleaning up after him for a while.  See how he likes it when there’s not one clean glass or pair of underwear in the house.

Post # 9
46404 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

You moved in with messy person. You live with a messy person. Why are you surprised?

He lives like this because it works for him. You come swooping to the rescue and clean up behind him.

Sit down sometime when you are both calm and ask him what will work for him. Does he need a chore chart? Can you come to an agreement on which chores he will do and which you will do.

Then, STOP rescuing him. If he leaves his work clothes in a  pile in the living roon, you leave them there too. He will soon run out of uniforms. I’ll bet he doesn’t forget to clean and lock up his gun. Why does he think he can get away with forgetting to do everything else?

Because he can.


Post # 10
6124 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

@jackaroo1223:  My ex H was so messy.  Soooo messy.  We did not even share a bed.  His bed was always full of “crusties.”  WTF.  I hated even visiting him in his bed!  He’d wear his boxers inside out to get another use out them.  I stopped doing his laundry after he accused me of loosing thigs because I “touched them last.”

I will say that he did not change one bit in the 5 years we were married.  Other than the arguments increased.  Our system changed over time, and a few times, but nothing ever was resolved to where I could live with it.

Post # 12
46 posts
  • Wedding: July 2013


I understand your frustration! I’m not a neat-freak either, but I need basic maintenance, and thankfully my husband is on the same page, although a bit lower on the scale I have to say : )

I think you guys need to have a nice and calm conversation when you are not feeling upset. Take him for a walk to a nice coffee shop, buy him his favorite beverage, and talk!

Here is what I would explain:

1. I would start by affirming how much I love him and give specifics about why. I would then tell him that I need to express a need that has become very urgent, and has been the source of negative feelings and concerns about your future as a couple.

2. I would validate that his way of managing his household is what has worked for him as a bachelor, and that was fine.

3. I would explain that you both have different standards for how to take care of your household which require to find a compromise together as a team, as it would be for each area of difference in the relationship.

4. I would tell him that an effort on his part to would make me feel so much more loved and would make me feel happier and more optimistic in the relationship because living in a cleaner place is important to me.

5. I would bring up a list of what needs to be done on a daily/weekly/seasonally basis, and ask him what small contributions he could commit to. I would agree to doing more since I care more, but I would ask him to contribute a bit more than what he is used to in order to reach a middle way.

6. If he is defensive, I would ask questions/validate his feelings, but reaffirm my concerns about the future of your relationship if 1. you can not make compromises, 2. you can not feel comfortable in your household.

7. I would go back home and have a good make-out session no matter what : )

Now, if he is not receptive at all and/or can’t make any progress, I would suggest to reevaluate the relationship and your future plans. Not agreeing on such foundamental lifestyle choices is a big deal, even if “everything else” is fine. It’s not any more about cleaning habits, it’s about the ability to compromise and make someone feel loved and happy.

Good luck!

Post # 13
328 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2014 - Excalibur

I have no help because I have had the same conversation with my Fiance for t

wo years. It’s like it goes in one ear and out the other. It’s infuriating.  I guess you have to learn to accept him how he is. I am still trying to do that myself bc I am just so pissed by his laziness and not caring to clean up!

Post # 14
277 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

My boyfiend had started to do that when we first moved in together – it was disgusting. I would say that I wasn’t his mother so I wasn’t going to clean it up but if you ignore it then it will just get worse. It was at the point one day where I realized there were beetles under piles of things which really pushed me over the edge.

I finally took a stand when I realized he wasn’t going to change and that if I wanted it clean then it’d become my job. I am the one that will clean up his clutter and wash the dishes but he has his responsibilities too. If I tie up the garbage he’ll take it out or if I can give him a directed task to clean something he is usually good enough to do it as he doesn’t feel overwhelmed.

It isn’t ideal but our apartment is spotless which makes me happy and I plan on keeping it that way through my own hard work rather than thinking he is responsible for his messes – because when you live together his mess can become your mess!

The biggest problem is that if he is fine with the mess then I don’t know how you can even motivate someone to clean other than nagging at them until they do! 

Post # 15
71 posts
Worker bee

This is not something that could be solved without a serious conversation. Don’t make it you accusing him , make it you explaining to him and tell him that changing all this will be better for both of you. Give him some things to do each week and stop cleaning after him all the time. Explain to him that above evrything else this is a matter of health.. I think you can work it out 🙂

Post # 16
784 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@jackaroo1223:  When I lived with messy roommates, I wouldn’t clean up after them.  I’d take their dishes out of the sink (so I could use it) and put them in a box on the floor.  I’d throw his clothes in there too for him to sort out.

But seriously, I don’t think I could handle this from a partner.  You’ve obviously talked to him about it, and nothing has changed.  Either you’re okay with living like this forever, or he has to want to change.

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