Messy situation – should I spill the beans?

posted 2 years ago in The Lounge
Post # 16
Member
12231 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

What a horrible “friend.” Your loyalty should be to your mother in this situation. There’s no way she knows about this and is confiding in this woman unless she’s running a sophisticated sting operation of her own. I would tell her. 

Post # 17
Member
3884 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

I would say ‘Mum I have something to tell you that will be hard to hear, but I think there might be something going on with SD and K’ and then explain exactly what you saw. The timing of it is tricky because there’s really no good time to say it, but I think I’d let you guys eat first or she might not be able to manage that. If you’re going out to eat tell her at a point where she is able to go home quickly if she wants to. But maybe drive her if she’s emotional??

Post # 18
Member
2990 posts
Sugar bee

I would definitely be telling my mom – my loyalty is with her, first and foremost. 

Post # 19
Member
717 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

Think about it – if you tell your mom, you could potentially end K’s marriage and throw her child’s life into chaos if your mom decides she doesn’t like the situation, and tells K’s husband. Do you really want to be the one responsible for telling this information?

If my husband were cheating on me, I would want to hear it from him, not from my best friend. I think you need to revaluate who you think you are protecting. Is this information only going to hurt everyone involved? Is your mom going to be super upset with this or not?

SD is being shady. However your mom ended her marriage with him. Their lives are no longer connected except through you. Yes SD is her ex husband, yes K is her best friend. However she ended her marriage, and it very well could’ve been because he was cheating on her, you don’t seem entirely sure of the reason.

I think because there are so many people’s lives involved in this, and because your mom’s divorce got so explosive it may be best not to tell her. I mean, if I were her, I’d want to hear that K was sleeping with SD, from K, not my daughter. Sometimes the worst information is best coming from the person who did it to you.

I would ultimately talk to SD about the situation before you decide to do anything. Ultimately they are two adults who should know better, but you shouldn’t be the one to slap them on the wrist and reveal their indiscretions you should give them the opportunity to handle this like adults, if it should come to that.

I cannot stress enough that you shouldn’t go telling your mother anything, before you talk to SD. This information would be best coming from him, it might not even be what you think.

Post # 21
Member
717 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

stokesto :  Get the full story. This may be something it’s not, it could be very easy to mix up a situation like this. When you saw the text did it have her full last and first name? Because if it was just her first name, he could be dating another “K” so to speak and this might just be a mix up.

Talk to your SD, tell him what you saw, how you put everything together. Ask him to explain it father to daughter, and if it is what you think, you need to tell him that you’re going to tell your mother, unless K does it for herself, because she deserves to know.

If he just denies everything, I would then go to your mother.

Post # 22
Member
2990 posts
Sugar bee

stokesto :  Screw the mess. They should have thought about that before they started fucking around behind everyone’s back. It’s not your responsibility to care more about K, and her family or the repercussions for her actions than she does. She’s the one actively cheating – it’s not your job to protect her or her family. 

I can guarantee if someone else tells your mom, and she finds out you knew and didn’t tell her, she’ll be 100x more hurt than any betrayal from K or your stepdad. 

Your loyalty should be to your mother, and no one else. Not K, SD, or K’s family. You’re essentially keeping their secret AND betraying your mom in the same way – by not telling her the truth. 

I wouldn’t be able to tell my mother fast enough, nothing would stop me from telling her. 

Post # 23
Member
12231 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

thesoontobemrsv :  OP said the text had K’s full name on it. I would not be giving either party a heads up before OP tells her mother. For what? They are not her problem or concern. 

Post # 24
Member
2919 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

stokesto :  You need to call your mother now. She is going to be more hurt the longer you delay. She will feel betrayed by you too as you didn’t tell her. It will feel to her that you don’t have her back…

Post # 25
Member
395 posts
Helper bee

Well this is not a Court of law but are you sure they are intimate? I can see how you concluded this but… Be careful; horrible to ruin lives on some quick conclusions.

Post # 26
Member
204 posts
Helper bee

Would 100% tell my mum. But we are super close! What if K is going back and telling SD all the things that mum and her talk about?

I think just tell her how you found out, by accident

Post # 27
Member
12231 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

Chris4 :   He’s buying this woman lingerie, telling her he misses “his Victoria,” calling her by the pet name OP inspired when she saw the VS bag. He’s told OP he’s been seeing someone, whom he also refers to as Victoria in multiple conversations. I think it’s pretty safe to say. 

Her mother can come to her own conclusions. 

Post # 28
Member
1846 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2017

thesoontobemrsv :   “if you tell your mom, you could potentially end K’s marriage and throw her child’s life into chaos if your mom decides she doesn’t like the situation, and tells K’s husband. Do you really want to be the one responsible for telling this information?”

How exactly would the chaos be OP”s fault? K is the one doing something wrong. Her family deserve to know, although it is not OP”s place to tell them nor is that what she’s suggesting. 

OP, I absolutely think you should tell your mum what her “friend” is doing.

Post # 29
Member
6233 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

stokesto :  If it wouldn’t be too odd, I’d send a message to SD, hella casual “Hey, SD, you know mom’s friend K? By any chance, do you have her number?” or I would just ask my mother “Hey Mom, can I have K’s number?” if anyone asks why, say something noncommittal, but don’t really explain.

If that doesn’t work and since K doesn’t have Facebook, I would put my google tracking skills to work- You know her full name? Start by just looking her up. Do you know anything about where she works? See if she has a LinkedIn or if the company where she works has a page with more information including contact details (then reach out to her and ask her if you can speak at a time when she’s available outside of work). I like investigative/research stuff and find that it’s usually possible to find people by cobbling together random details.

It sucks that you have to be dealing with this and it really sucks that your mom’s “friend” is probably a shady liar. I hope your mother isn’t too hurt by the situation.

Post # 30
Member
3049 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

I would just go to your mom and tell her. I would not seek out K or your stepdad.

I would be honest with the details you know and not make any assumptions. So, basically the info on that he is seeing someone casually, the text, the name, etc. Then let your mom do or not do whatever she needs to with that information. 

I think the priority is making sure your mom isn’t being taken advantage of. She clearly feels K is someone she can confide in. However, ultimately she could be confiding things she wouldn’t want your SD or someone associated with him knowing. Especially if K is sharing all this with your SD and getting some sort of enjoyment from it then that’s a major stab in the back. So, in that sense, you need to let your mom know asap before she feels even more alienated or exposes more of her private feelings with K.

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