(Closed) Met a guy on my bachelorette party

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 62
Member
1083 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

@Goinganon2013:  You guys should see a sex therapist.

They should be able to help you build intimacy, learn and commit to meeting each others sexual needs, etc.

If you two are going to be married this needs to be addressed and resolved asap, sexual problems in a marriage is a big deal.

Good luck, hope you guys get this sorted out.

Post # 63
Member
8700 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2013

@Goinganon2013:  A lot of unsatisfying sex will do that do you. Honestly, it sounds like garden-variety pre-wedding jitters!

Post # 64
Member
653 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@Goinganon2013:  How do you even really talk to a guy about your sex life? I don’t know what to do. I was so excited about our wedding, and now this is spoiling it.

Sex is something we talk about relatively often.  Not in a “hey baby” sort of way but regarding expectations, desires, drive, safety (since he’s the forceful, spanking, erotic asphyxiation type at times), birth control and so on.  I agree with talking to a therapist together about it is a start if you can’t even have a conversation with your husband-to-be about it.  

What is the “sex ban”?

Post # 65
Member
1845 posts
Buzzing bee

@CARA1978:  I think by ‘sex ban’ the OP’s referring to a period of time before the wedding where you and your Fiance, who are normally sexually active, become abstinent so that your wedding night is ‘more special’.

SO and I are considering doing this, starting maybe 3 months before our wedding, just for the anticipation factor.

For a couple who already have issues with intimacy and expectations/satisfaction regarding sex, I think it’s an extremely bad decision.

Post # 66
Member
4231 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

If you can’t talk to you fiance about sex, how the heck are you getting married? At this point no topic should be remotely off limits. You owe it to him to be 100% transparent and able to discuss anything with him without hesitation. 

Post # 67
Member
755 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@Goinganon2013:  You should be taking time to really think about what you want at this point in your life, and why you love your Fiance. Remind yourself of all the great things about him, and stop focusing on the one problem…. the lackluster sex, which as you say is partly due to your recurring yeast infections*. 

 

You have said you are not young, and I assume by your sentiment of “saying goodbye to single life” that you’ve had multiple relationships and enjoyed being single as well. If not, do you feel you haven’t “lived” enough before settling down? If that is something really important to you, you have to consider whether you would be happier leaving this relationship and living the single life, chasing romance and excitment, or whether you would ultimately be happier with more stability and a safe relationship.

 

I can’t relate to your feelings toward the guy in the bar (who sounds like a TERRIBLE person, btw, I’m sure in real life he is a selfish jerk) because I’m not a “romantic” by nature. I am too skeptical and rational to believe that there was anything magical about a moment like that, or that he was anything but a guy trying to see how far he could push you so that he could brag about it later. I don’t believe in fate, or love at first sight, or soul mates. I have no desire to be single and have a string of relationships, flings, or one-night-stands, so I have absolutely no doubts going into my marriage to a great guy, who complements me perfectly, and whose flaws I can deal with.

 

* On the yeast infections. I had the same problem one year, and I got them under control by always wearing cotten undies (breathable), drying off completely in *that* area after a shower, changing immediately after a workout or swimming, and rinsing off after sex. I am still more prone to them, being on the pill, and if I ever take antibiotics I get one as well, but I haven’t had one for almost a year now.

 

It affected our sex life, in that DH sort of “stepped back” and didn’t initiate as much, because he was expecting me to let him know first what the “situation” was, or to just flat out tell him or show him by coming on to him, that all signs were go for the evening. I imagine he felt like a jerk whenever he would ask or start to seduce me and I had to tell him to stop because it was not pretty down there at the moment. I think it also sucked for him to get turned on and start seducing me, only to be told it wasn’t happening that night.

Post # 68
Member
7439 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

Re – Yeast Infections

Oldtimer here.  Truth is that we are not all sexual beings 24/7×365 for the rest of our lives.  (Again a matter of LUST vs LOVE)

There will be times in our lives for whatever reason, male or female, that the desire for sex, and the reality are not the same…

A well formed healthy relationship will be able to handle these ups & downs, BECAUSE sex altho good in the relationship isn’t EVERTYTHING / ALL that the relationship is founded on / revolves around

This is WHY things like respect – common values – companionship – common interests – goals – beliefs etc are so important in a LOVE Relationship that is headed towards marriage

Marriage cannot exist on sex alone.

I think you`d be surprised by the number of couples who actually have had “sex droughts” in their long term marriages…

Be that cause of Pregnancy – Child Birth – Children – Stress – or other Health Related issues.

The longer one is married the more likely this stuff is happening… and yet some of the strongest most loving realtionships I know are between people that have spent 25, 30, 40, 50 or more years together.

It is what it is… a part of life…. and another curve that gets thrown at you you must learn how to deal with / figure out.

Chances are good based on what youve written that your caring compassionate Fiance is a a great guy that can be with you for years to come, in so much as he understands that Relationships have a natural ebb & flo... it isnt all roses and rainbows around the clock forever !!

Hope this helps,

 

Post # 69
Member
410 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

There’s a reason the phrase “cold feet” exists. i think it’s pretty normal to have second thoughts close to your wedding – you’re just hyper-aware of the huge commitment you’re making and everything takes on more significance. Only you can decide if it’s normal pre-wedding jitters or something more.

Post # 70
Member
130 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I was in a relationship a few years ago with a guy who was basically my perfect partner in all regards except sexually. We tried to stick it out and for a while even tried being in an open relationship and because of that, I ended up meeting someone who completely swept me off my feet. I wanted a man who was extremely masculine, dominant and sexually aggressive (but who valued consent, obviously),  who was just as geeky and playful as I was. Though I wasn’t trying to use my open relationship as an excuse to “shop around,” I realized that the new sexual relationship I formed with another partner was fulfilling sexually but also emotionally and I ended up becoming very attached to him. This deep attachment caused me to question my relationship with my now-ex and made me realize that life was too short to stay in a relationship that was mostly fulfilling but just not quite there. I didn’t want to settle for him, and perhaps even more importantly, I didn’t want him to devote his life to me when I was questioning my commitment to him. I feel that both partners should be equally crazy about one another in an ideal relationship! I loved him enough to let him go so he could eventually find someone who was perfect for him in all regards rather than most.

 

 

I ended up getting engaged to the guy I met when my ex and I were together. He just turned out to be the right person for me. I’m not suggesting this guy you met in the club is right for you (actually, he sounds like a douche), but I think the fact that you are wavering so much with regards to your feelings for your Fiance makes me believe that you should reexamine your relationship and reconsider your commitment to him. If you have completely different sexual personalities and he can’t deliver what you want, that isn’t an issue that’s going to disappear after you get married. You keep talking about how this guy from the club was physically assertive (and dominant, unless I’m reading into that too much) and it sounds like that’s a quality you really value. If that’s something you want from your Fiance, you should explain that to him and see what happens or accept that maybe you aren’t physically/sexually compatible and think about whether or not that will be an issue in your future (which I suspect it will be). 

 

(either that or it’s just cold feet. Think long and hard about it — just don’t lead on your FI!)

 

 

 

Post # 71
Member
1839 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

you know nothing about this man except that he is a big beefcake man. you don’t know his personality OR what he is like sexually, yet you are finding yourself pining after this guy because your sex life is not up to par at the moment.

love is not only about sex, and you said you haven’t had sex because of your yeast infections. if you are getting them that often, first of all, you should see a doctor. and second… your yeast infections are not your fiance’s fault. 

 

Post # 73
Member
874 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@Goinganon2013:  You need to address the sexual problems with you soon to be husband.  This is the relationship that matters.  He asked you to marry him, and you said yes.  Give yourself a couple of days to think about the relationship and upcoming marriage.  I am sure that in a couple of days, you will see that this is what is important.

Girl goes to bar, meets boy in a bar, both have been drinking.  Boy likes girl, exchanges numbers, blah blah blah.  We have all been there.  This is not what happily ever after is made of.  This is the norm in all bars for all of us.  Mark my words he has already moved on to the next girl in the bar.  You were just “the girl” in that moment.

I don’t mean to sound harsh, but we have all been right where you are.  We are all tempted to try something new on for size.  But it definitely does not mean that we should.

The grass isn’t always greener on the other side.

Good luck!

Post # 74
Member
1001 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@Goinganon2013:  Honestly? It sounds like you miss the excitement of being with someone new. You probably had the exact same thing when you first met your Fiance – the flirting, the ‘what if’ feelings, etc. Like, you probably get turned on imagining sex with this guy because you’ve got no idea what it would be like, whereas you feel like things have gotten ‘vanilla’ with your Fiance.

It sounds like the sexual connection, or lack thereof, with you and your Fiance is a big issue. The question is, does it outweigh every other aspect of your relationship? Personally, I know I could get over not having a brilliant sex life if my partner ticked all the other boxes – intelligent, funny, kind, supportive etc. However, other people might get way more frustrated in a disappointing sex life.

I will say that this guy sounds like a bit of a sleaze. Who feels up an engaged woman at her bachelorette party? I wouldn’t care if he looked like Channing Tatum, I wouldn’t touch him with a ten foot pole!

Post # 75
Member
138 posts
Blushing bee

OP, the guy you thought you had a ‘connection’ with is a player.  He probably saw you as a challenge at the time, and has already moved on and given his number to other women. 

Your Fiance deserves more respect.  Counseling sounds like a good idea.

Post # 76
Member
3338 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@Goinganon2013:  I just… okay, I am going to be gentle.  First, realize homeboy in the club was trying to get laid with no strings attached.  No 23 year old wants a serious commitment to an older, engaged lady.

Second, you and your Fiance are not sexually compatible.  IF this is something that is going to be important in your marriage, don’t submit your life to this guy.

I mean you talk about the Lord and whatever, but the Lord pretty sure isn’t fond of cheating.  Especially when you’re married.  I just can see you resolving to this behavior (especially while drinking) because you are not getting what you want at home.  All this has been one big justification, and I am not really buying it.

There is nothing wrong with wanting a fulfilling sex life, absolutely not.  Just seems a fundamental piece of what you believe your marriage should be, and I honestly think you are going to regret it in the future.

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