(Closed) Met a guy on my bachelorette party

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 77
Member
2450 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@Nona99:  Great advice as usual

Post # 79
Member
325 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@Goinganon2013:  May I ask what your culture is?  You keep saying it’s normal for your culture…

Post # 81
Member
2865 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

New shiny things get old too.

It sounds like your Fiance isn’t the one you’re meant to be with.

Also, and it’s been mentioned lots of times previously, the guy at the bar?  Total jack ass.  I know a lot of guys who go out and target bachelorette parties for the “thrill” of seeing how far they can get with an engaged woman.  This doesn’t sound any different.

Post # 82
Member
270 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I personally think you are not ready to be married. A marriage and what it stands for is more than just a physical relationship, and let me tell you hunny, that sex drive isn’t going to last forever. So when it dies out, what is more important to you? Some guy who made you feel sexually excited or someone who is loyal, who cares for you as a person?

Post # 83
Member
1308 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@FutureMrsGG:  +1 I was wondering the same thing. What is “your culture” where this is normal??

Post # 84
Member
7111 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

Warning – I haven’t read all the posts, but I did read OPs updates. I don’t think this is a reason to call off a wedding. I don’t think any of the issues are insurmountable. 

First. You let things go too far with the guy in the bar. My fiance and I are pretty non-jealous types so I’d have no issues with sitting in the lap or dancing. Touching butt/breasts and kiss – over the line. However, you told your guy, he’s not pissed, you won’t do it again, problem solved.

Second. This guy at the club is not Prince Charming. After reading your updates I think you realize this now. Lust can be a powerful motivator. But that’s all it was. This was a guy you were physically attrqacted to and you built up fantasies about him in your head. The fantasies in your head aren’t the problem, it’s not recognizing them as fantasy that can get you in trouble. Now I know there are lots of different oppinions out there about the appropriateness of being attracted to a person other than your SO. I, personally, don’t have a problem with attraction, so long as it is firmly in the realm of fantasy and not in the world of reality. For example – okay to lust after Brad Pitt or that random bartender that poured your drink and gave you a once over but who you will never see again. Not okay to lust after your co-worker or friend or anyone you actually know. That’s my personal take. Fantasy can help stoke the fires of a real relationship. So as long as you can keep things firmly in the realm of fantasy, I don’t think it’s wrong to be occasionally attracted to other men. So it’s not like your attraction to this guy needs to be some death knell for your relationship with your SO.

Third. You’ve been with your guy long enough that the initial sexual fire has run low. Totally normal. This is how many long term relationships work. Doesn’t mean you have to be happy about it and doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t work to make it better. But again, not the death knell to a relationship. You already seem to realize that you weren’t really concious of how the lack of sexual chemistry was affecting your relationship. Now that you realize it, you can do something about it. Start getting comfortable talking to your guy about your sexual wants and desires. Ask him about his. You’ve talked a lot about what you want but not much about what he likes. Maybe he likes a woman who takes him and orders him around. If so, maybe you can trade off taking control? I find these dicussions easiest to do in bed with the lights off, not during any sort of sex play, but just when you’re relaxing getting ready to go to sleep. You may not like having to take the reigns and initiate these conversations, but it will pay off in the end.

Fourth:You are not alone. I would say that most long term couples have periods where sex waxes and wanes. The trick is recognizing when it is becoming an issue and doing something to fix it. There are tons of advice books/articles/blogs about how to spice up your sex life. And the reason there are tons? Because this is a common issue. So have some fun with it. Get your guy involved. Make it an “us” adventure, not a “you” accusation. My husband and I have been together for over 6 years and we went through a low sex period before our wedding. During our pre-marriage counseling, our pastor gave us a test that rated relationship strengths and our sex life rated fairly low – it wasn’t great to hear, but it got us talking and even without making any grand plans, just talking helped a ton. We both don’t like to instigate things and neither of us is very assertive. So just making the effort to be a little more assertive for both of us has made a huge difference. Ever since we started talking about it the sex has been much more frequent and amazing! Seriously. We haven’t had sex like this since we first started dating. Actually, probably even better. But I know that there will continue to be ups and downs over the upcoming decades that I plan to be with my husband. But this helps me know that we can get through it all and come back stronger than ever. 

Post # 85
Member
1184 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

OP:  

 

I think the things that I find most concerning from your updates is that your Fiance is laughing off your concerns about your relationship and that you don’t feel comfortable bringing up important issues with him….and I can see why, because he does not appear to be taking your concerns seriously!   You should be able and comfortable to be able to talk to your future husband on just about any subject that concerns the two of you!  Communication is one of the things that keeps a relationship moving forward…no communication will make things eventually stall out completely.  

 

I think perhaps post-poning the wedding date and getting some relationship therapy may be a good idea.  You want to deal with these problems now BEFORE you get married.   

Post # 86
Member
130 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

@Goinganon2013:  you’re the equivalent of a man who goes out to a strip-club on his bachelorette and falls in love with his stripper.  Move on from the lust, and grow up, kid!

Post # 87
Member
653 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@Goinganon2013:   @CARA1978: But how do you talk about this? On date night? In bed? During sex? I am wildly jealous of your sex life TBH. He sounds like my sexual match. LOL I did use to be really open, but since he isn’t, it’s made me feel self conscious.

It was something we started addressing early in our relationship. I didn’t exactly know his sexual style in bed but we did talk about things like monogamy, getting tested for STDs, pregnancy concerns, etc.  I think it came natural to us because we’ve both been married before, have had relationships before and after our marriages  – a fair amount of experience and learned a lot of lessons.   My attitude is if you can’t talk about sex, you shouldn’t be doing it but I know everyone has a different standard.

In terms of his personality he’s a very proper, vanilla, formal guy by day but a beast in the bedroom (not all the time though, he is also very sensitive).  Though we are perfect for each other in that regard, I didn’t seek it out nor did I think he was that way upon meeting him.  He doesn’t wear it on his sleeve. As someone else pointed out, your 19-year-old bar guy could be horrible in bed, selfish and more of a taker than a giver.  


Post # 88
Member
326 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013 - Tybee Island, GA

@Goinganon2013:  most guys in a bar are looking to hook up. or shoot, they could be drunk themselves. Dont lose what you have with a great guy who trusts you and wants to marry you, not just get into your pants… I understand the need of wanted to feel wanted sexually, but if a guy is feeling you up in the first few hours of meeting you, he aint looking to get to know you…

I hate you’re going through this. Good Luck!

Post # 89
Member
1213 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

So let me get this straight you had a fun time with this random guy you knew for a few hours and he thought you were hott and he “tossed you around like a rag doll” and you think that means that he’s everything you want physically or that somehow means that he’s naturally like that.

First of all its called lust. he wanted you IN THE MOMENT so OFCOURSE he tossed you around like a ragdoll. Any single guy in the WORLD would do that to a hott chick they meet in a bar when their drunk. Its not real.

My husband acted more physically into me when we first met then he does now because in the beginning it was new and exciting…. just like in a bar with a stranger… ur new and exciting. Chances are when that guy actually settles down with a girl and gets married… he’s not gonna keep grabbing her and taking her all the time for the rest of their life. its just not how life works. If you want your FH to express his physical attraction for you more then TELL HIM….

Post # 90
Member
7439 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

Great post by @JenGirl:  (Reply # 83)

The whole post was FABULOUS, but item # 3 really resonated with me… so I share this:

Ok here is something I’ve learned about Men & Sex in my 50+ years of life.

Men (and women for that matter) tend to get very turned on by the type of sex that they “originally” had.

Anotherwords, I’m going to guess that your first lover (or the one who first really really you have strong feelings for) was a very assertive person in the bedroom.  Maybe quite strong & masculine as that does seem to the thing that “rocks your fantasy world”

And as you’ve stated your Finace’s first lover was yourself… then to him his brain is probably filled with fantasies of that “style” of encounter.

First time round, I’m guessing that YOU were more of the agressor, as you had to lead him / show him what you liked in the Bedroom.

So in his mind, being the leader in the Bedroom, altho he can do it, isn’t his preferred way.

My first time I was in College, my lover was my longtime BF, and we had been leading up to sex slowly for months.  It was first time for both of us.  He was kind, attentive, appreciative, and oooooh so gentle.  Consequently to this day, I still yearn for that style of lovemaking… flowers, candlelight, a little wine… slow and easy… the night has no clock.

Mr TTR’s style is completely opposite to mine.  His first time was in HS, and being taken by an girl a few years / grades older than him.  It was a clandestine interlude, a summer day in the garden shed.  A surprise… and it was quick and over.

To this day, his favourite way to have sex, is when I am the agressor, and we have a quicky… preferably in a spot that is semi-outdoors and has the potential of us getting caught.

In both cases, his and mine, we have of course “learned” over the decades since we’ve become sexually active (and with different partners) to make things work with other ways & means in love making (EVERYONE should have an extensive repetoire of skills for sexual pleasure)… BUT ultimately these things still hold true as sure fire ways to get us turned on.

I for example don’t need a long drawn out prelude of a romantic evening to enjoy sex… but you light a candle, and I am sooo turned on.  Same with him, the mere mention of the word “quicky” and he’s knawing at the bit ready to go !!

So you need to not only talk with your guy ** but you also have to be aware of what his touchstones are sexually.

** As for Talking.  Ya it isn’t always easier.  In my lifetime it has certainly been easier with some men than others.  But it is a hallmark of a healthy relationship the ability to talk about the relationship and ALL its dynamics, including sex.  Being able to talk about sex means that you can both be on the same page in and out of the bedroom (as I’ve said before here, Sex isn’t everything, but it is a part of a relationship that can effect things both in and out of the bedroom).

My BEST ADVICE – Go together for a coffee (Starbucks) at your local Bookstore, and browse the Sex & Relationship aisle.  You can make it a lighthearted visit as you explore the many books therein.  Flirt, Tease, kid, laugh.  But agree that you’ll both come away with at least one book each on either Sex or Relationships.  And then read them, and share the info you find within them.  Even the most “vanilla” of books, is going to give you something to talk about.  It can be a great ice-breaker into the world of sexual discussion, and also sexual exploration if either of you happen to choose a book that is a tad racier.

Hope this helps,

 

Post # 91
Member
261 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Ive been right where you are at. My advice is don’t downplay this. Marriage is hard under thebest of circumstances. The person you marry should be exactly what you want and need. One of the most important things is that you feel like a woman when with your Man. It is very difficult to stop a wedding at this point and takes courage and brutal honesty. This has nothing to do with the guy in the bar and everything to do with your gut telling you that you are not completely fulfilled in your relationship. He is probably wonderful, you love each other but it isn’t enough if it isn’t everything. Being unfulfilled in a Marriage or even semi fulfilled is lonely and no way to live. Listen to your truth and make the hard choice if its the right one. Your husbanha should be at the same level intellectually, spiritually and physically. Only all three work, if one is missing you will have to sacrifice too much of your true self to make it work. That’s no way to live. Be true to yourself above all things.

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