Post # 1
I need your advice on this. I (recently turned 30) have been single for a while. I was in a very long relationship with a guy before that, we lived together and were planning to get engaged, and he ended up cheating on me (not just once, it was an affair).
Anyways, I met this guy(33) a couple of weeks ago. We have no friends in common, we just randomly started talking in the gym. I thought he was VERY cute, and he asked me out. We went to have drinks a few days later and everything went great. We have so many things in common (hobbies, passions, expectations from the future etc) and he also ended a relationship with a girl last year after she cheated on him (He´s been single for only four months). I don´t wanna bore you with the details, but so far we´ve been on four dates, one of them even lasted 7h and was spent non-drinking (we did outdoors stuff Sunday afternoon). We havent slept together yet and he hasn´t been trying to get me to sleep with him at all. He´s been the perfect gentleman, really. We made out date 2, 3 and 4 and that´s it. I kinda expexted him to be a jerk at first because he´s damn goodlooking and probably because I´m pretty jaded, but now I think he´s not at all. I can tell just by his behaviour that he isn
t, or at least that´s my impression (But Ive been wrong before so who knows). I´m still cautious though because I don`t wanna get my heart broken again.</p>
<p>Anyways, after our last date (Sunday, the one where we spent 7h together doing fun day stuff), he seemed to pull away a bit. Messaged me less frequent )We still talked several times a day, but way less), didn´t ask to meet anymore. I thought maybe he realized after four dates he isn´t that into me (even though it didnt seemn like that at all when we were together) and he would slowly ghost me. I didn´t make much effort to see him though either (I´m kinda old school in the sense that I think the guy should do most of the chasing in the beginning), but at least I answered quicker and wrote more etc. </p>
<p>This morning, I decided to be straightforward. I messaged him saying that I feel like he´s been pulling away and that I´d just like to know what´s going on, since I like him and had a great time. He called me (for the first time) and we talked. He said I´m right and he´s been distancing himself from me, that he´s been a bit all over the place lately, that he really likes me and had a great time too, but that everything also scares him. That his last breakup wasn´t too long ago and that her cheating on him fucked him up and that he has issues trusting anyone new. I told him I felt the same after mY ex cheated on me so I understand where he´s coming from, but that you need to get to know a person slowly to build trust. He said he knows, but says it´s hard for him and that he´s scared that he`d grow to fond of a person and maybe fall in love and then get fucked over again in the end. He said he doesn´t know what to do. We were both at work so we agreed it´s better to talk about this in person.
What should I think of this? What should I do? I really do like him a lot and my gut tells me he isn´t lying about this, but I also don´t wanna get hurt in the end because I can actually see myself falling for him. What should I tell or ask him when we meet? I´ve never been in a situation like this so I´m not quite sure wht to do next.
Post # 2
I don’t know him, so I can’t really say for sure that his reasoning is total BS. I would be hesitant only because the whole “I’m all over the place lately” or “I’m scared of everything” seems to be a common tactic among guys who a) just aren’t that into you and don’t know how to tell you or b) just aren’t interested in a relationship. I’ve known several guys who played the “I’m such a broken, wounded bird,” game because deep down they were just really immature, shit guys who couldn’t seem to commit. They liked the attention they got from women for their fake pain. It goes without saying that these men were pretty shady, untrustworthy, and total players.
Again, though, I don’t know this guy at all. His pain could truly be very real. If he really was cheated on in his last relationship, and it’s only been 4 months…I don’t know, Bee, I’d be tempted to just walk away from this one. I think both of you could potentially end up hurt. He needs time to fully heal and move on, and you don’t need to be the one having to put someone back together.
Post # 3
Give it time. Take is super slow. I actually like that he hasn’t been coming onto you sexually. Hey, we all have issues. I am the first to shout dealbreaker but I completely understand why someone, after going through a cheating situation, feels a bit apprehensive in pursuing something else and so soon.
My advice would be, dont go hot and heavy. Give him lots of space. Dont have sex to avoid being overly invested, and still date other people (to avoid becoming too attached). If he comes around eventually, he comes around. Having trust issues isn’t minor. However, one can get past it (depends on the person). Plus, he told you that this last relationship was recent. He is not ready. Believe him.
Post # 4
He needs to work out his issues before dating anyone seriously.
Post # 5
Maybe be friends for a while like actual platonic friends? He needs time to work out his issues and it’ll also give him a chance to get to know you and trust you. If it works out, it works out. If it doesn’t, it doesn’t.
Post # 6
Sometimes we meet WONDERFUL potential friends/comrades/buddies/lovers/husbands/wives etc. at the wrong time. Because of this, time is the road to healing and exploration and potentially, joy at whatever you find.
I would move forward in a caring but parallel perspective. You both have been hurt, so you are already experiencing a kind of sharing.
I would also consider just knowing and enjoying each other without attempting to define exactly what is happening, especially not just yet. I’d also suggest that you share these ideas with him. The more relaxed you both are about what’s happening, the better chance you will both have to restore your individual self confidence and feel more open and relaxed about taking your new feelings to a new place, unshadowed by old unhappy memories.
I HOPE for your potential to find in this or another new relationship that supports and affirms you!
Post # 7
It sounds like he jumped back into dating too fast. Give him time. Don’t push him to be your SO. If you want, maintain a friendship with him, but also don’t hold yourself back from dating other guys because of him.
Post # 8
Take it slow, very slow, make sure each time you hang out or talk it’s a lovely time, no negativity, slowly open up to each other, let him set the pace.. like if you meet again, after that wait for him to say something/text/call you, take your time responding, establish a consistent dialogue over time. No pushing, no interrogating him, no talks about how he’s disappointing you. Basically, expect that he isn’t ready for a relationship and isn’t even ready to date. If you like him, stay in touch, at his pace and see if he actually likes you.
Post # 9
to quote HIMYM
“if you have chemistry, you only need one thing- timing, but timing is a bitch”
I would take a step back and turn the relationship more casual or turn it into a friendship for now. Have an open and honest conversation on how he would wish to proceed and you to decide if you want to be just friends or would you want to be friends just in case he wants a relationship. can you make it a casual thing that you meet up occaronally while still dating others? sounds like he is not ready for a relationship.
Post # 10
Sorry to say this, Bee, but he doesn’t sound interested in any kind of relationship with you at this moment. Guys do indeed pull the “I’m so scared” line out of mothballs when it suits their purposes.
Maybe you could talk him into giving just “friends” a try. But, be honest with yourself. You’ll always be hoping for more. If you’re attracted to him, that undercurrent will be running through the entire course of your time together.
My concern is that you’ll be left wanting more.
Your other option is to just let him go. If he deals with his crap someday and comes back around, so be it. But, don’t try to convince someone to be with you. You’re better than that.
Post # 11
If you enjoy his company, date him. Date others too! “I’m scared” is a turn off coming out of a grown man’s mouth.
Post # 12
I’ve said similar things before to people who in retrospect I just wasn’t that into.
Post # 13
I totally disagree with people saying to try and be friends with him and see what happens. I don’t know what his deal is, but either way, he’s not going to be in a relationship with you right now. If you keep hanging out with him and stay friends, you’ll still be attracted to him and always want more. You’ll get more attached, and it’ll just end in a big heartache.
Its possible he’s just having a freak-out and will come to his senses eventaully, but leave it up to him to contact you. Otherwise, move on to the next one.
Post # 14
it may all be very true to him as to what he’s saying to you about trust. The thing with serious relationships is that both parties need to be in the right frame of mind to want them and commit to them. He’s not there and doesn’t sound like he is in the right place to get serious with you.
I’d talk to him and say that he’s lovely guy but from your last conversation with him you can tell he’s not ready to pursues a serious relationship yet. Wish him well on his journey and set your sights to find someone who is in the right frame of mind to pursue a serious relationship.
Post # 15
I will also add that I think if you stick around patiently he will value you less and take you for granted. I’ve seen guys do that to me and my friends after we’ve dropped the “I’m not in a relationship mindset” line and it never worked out for the guy. When we were ready, we dated other people instead.
If he’s being honest he’s wayyy more likely to call you in 6 months if you’re just like well I’m looking for something serious so adios and good luck.