Met this guy and he has trust issues it seems.. what to do?

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 16
Member
3233 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

He doesn’t need to be in a relationship right now. 

Post # 18
Member
2331 posts
Buzzing bee

I can empathize b/c my Fiance and I went through this exact thing when we first started dating. A few weeks in (when we’d gone on enough dates to know there was SERIOUS chemistry, enough that we both got a little scared), he started pulling away a bit, not texting me all day, etc.

We were both obviously acting out of our respective fears. And that’s a natural thing to need to overcome at the beginning of a relationship. I believe in giving each other space to do that. 

However, what I don’t believe in is just sitting by and allowing a guy to treat you however he likes because “he’s scared,” or putting your life on hold and taking on a “project” because “he’s been burned and needs time.”

So when I promptly called Fiance on his hot and cold behavior, he fessed up to the fact that he was scared. I empathized with him, just like you did with this guy. I told him I was scared, too, but I refuse to live my life out of fear or let fear control me or make me smaller than I am. 

And I went on to make 2 very important points.

1.) I won’t date anyone who lives out of fear. So if that was him, and he couldn’t overcome this fear and work on building trust and faith in me and our relationship, then we needed to stop dating. I was ready for a relationship that was healthy and whole and could lead toward marriage, and dating a guy who lives his life out of fear (no matter his excuse) is not going to lead to marriage, at least not any time soon. 

2.) Before meeting him, I had made a list of my personal Must Haves in a relationship, and high on that list was “Consistency/Reliability.” So if he found that he could NOT communicate with me consistently, whether because he was fearful, or because of his ADD (his other excuse for the hot/cold behavior), then we were incompatible and needed to part ways. 

I wasn’t angry or demanding. I just stated my OWN needs and expectations of ANY guy I would date longer than, say, a month or so, and it kind of put him on notice in a way. I had kept a tight reign on my emotional involvement (another one of my dating rules), and so it was fairly easy for me to make these statements and know I would stick by them if he continued to be inconsistent.

This worked for me. Had he been some guy playing games, my approach would have scared him off and I wouldn’t have wasted any more time with someone who was ultimately just going to lead me on and play games.

But if he was a guy with real potential, he would rise to the challenge and view my high standards as attractive, not intimidating. 

I think how you handle “crisis moments” like this, from the very beginning of the relationship, sets the tone for the entire relationship, so definitely decide what you want out of this relationship and how you want to be viewed in this relationship before your discussion tonight.

((ETA: My Fiance had also been cheated on and left by HIS ex – but they had been broken up for a year when he and I met. I’m not sure he would have been emotionally “ready” 4 months after their break. Being cheated on and left out of the blue REALLY does a number on you.))

Post # 19
Member
2331 posts
Buzzing bee

Also, dont’ “see what he says.” That is a very passive way of dating and sets you up to come across as low-value.

Definitely hear him out, but go into this discussion having already made up YOUR own mind about what you need from him and prepared to say your OWN things. 

Post # 20
Member
6168 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2017

I don’t think 4months is enough time for him to have moved on. You could be the most amazing catch but he won’t appreciate you and be ready to fully commit to you if he’s still licking his wounds. I’d give him time apart and tell him to get back to me in 6 months and if you’re single then you can start things up again. You don’t want to be the rebound. Good luck. 

Post # 21
Member
1189 posts
Bumble bee

I’ve been through this about 400 times. Same story over and over again. Bee, he’s just not emotionally available right now. He needs to work through his breakup first. I don’t suggest waiting this out; it’s difficult, but let it go and date other men. 

Post # 22
Member
146 posts
Blushing bee

I have had guys pull that on me too.  All excuses to weasel their way out.  When a man wants you, nothing will stop them from being w/you.

Post # 24
Member
780 posts
Busy bee

I’ve been there. The first 6 months of dating my current SO were not serious because neither of us knew how to relationship. We’d both recently been in relationships that fucked us up. We weren’t ready for anything serious yet. I was ready before he was, but I continued dating other guys as well as him. Eventually we started seeing each other more frequently and realized we wanted exclusivity and we were ready to actually be together. 

That isn’t the case for everyone, though. I would have been fine just continuing to hang out with him as a friend if things hadn’t worked out. So if you’re not okay with him not wanting more, move on and find someone who does.

Post # 25
Member
140 posts
Blushing bee

Did you meet him? How did it go?

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