(Closed) Mid 30s, single, and I want marriage and a family

posted 4 years ago in Relationships
Post # 16
335 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

So. I met my husband (online) just before I turned 35, married at 37.  Glad for so many reasons that it happened when it did – it was a case of the right person, at the right time in both of our lives.  The kids thing – well, we’d like them, but it’s not really working out (recurrent miscarriages, diagnosed as most likely related to my 38 year old eggs).  That part really sucks.  But years ago, when I was fretting over whether I would ever meet anyone, a good friend of mine pointed out that not everyone gets married. Not everyone can or does have kids. There are literally thousands of variations on what a full, loving, productive, fulfilling life can look like, so there’s no point in getting fixated on one whether or not it turns out to be what your life looks like.  When I heard that, I relaxed a lot and let things happen.  Oh, I still put myself out there with the online dating and regular dating and trying to look for what I wanted, but the rest of it – the timing, the fertility – a lot of that is out of my hands.  And finding a way to be at peace with that was (is! Still working on it) the best gift I could give myself.

Post # 17
140 posts
Blushing bee

I’m the same age as you and totally understand where you are coming from. I have been single most of my life, and have quite a few mid 30s friends, and a lot of our conversations revolve around where we are in life, ticking biological clocks and timelines. I think if you ever had any thoughts of building a family, no matter how happy you are in your life, around your early or mid 30s you start to realise time may be running out for a traditional love story and biological kids.

So my friends and I are in very different places now. A year ago, I was dating a lukewarm guy who was fading on me over the holidays and I was ready to give up on the online dating I had been doing. Two weeks later I swiped right on a guy on Tinder who had a great smile but was not my usual type. We had a slow build because he was not necessarily who I pictured for myself, but as I have a crappy relationship history, I knew who I pictured might not be right. So we kept dating and I realised that on a deep level we share the same values and viewpoints in life, and now a year later we are in love and planning our future. I can’t believe I met someone who I match so well with and I am so excited to move in together and build our family (whatever that looks like). I’m not saying this would be the case for everyone, but I had to reevaluate what mattered to me in order to recognise my right guy.

Two other friends of mine have decided to start having kids without a partner and are pursuing being single mothers by choice. One is already pregnant, the other is currently trying to conceive. I actually know three women who have decided to pursue being mothers without a partner and it has worked out well for all of them so far.

So all this to say, there’s lots of options for your future. And you never know what tomorrow will bring! You just need to be open and figure out what you really want on a deep level.

Oh and in addition to the books above, I recommend the book Attached. It helped me understand how I was rejecting good guys and pursuing crappy ones.

Post # 18
798 posts
Busy bee

It sounds like you have an incredible life, bee. I am not where you are, but I can imagine if I was the thing that would be the biggest issue for me would be my ticking biological clock. Is it more important for you to be a mother or to be a wife? Not that the two can’t come together (since they usually do) but would you consider being a mom without having a partner? From your post it sounds like you’re in a financial position to do so but only you know whether you would be okay with being a single parent. If I were in your position I would explore the options of having a child by myself rather than leaving it up to fate if I would meet someone in time to have a family with them.

I also agree with other PPs that you need to really understand what you want and what issues you were responsible for you in your last relationships. Best of luck!

Post # 19
9575 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

The book is terribly dated and needs to be taken with many grains of salt but I NEEDED the Rules and it changed the way I dated. I didnt realize that I didnt pause to see who felt so inclined to chase me… I was always busy doing the chasing. Often after guys who couldnt care less about me. So I stopped doing that. I stopped dating anyone I ruled out as marriage material. I got myself to a really good place, put myself out there, and boom met my husband, engaged a year later.

So I would read up, and put yourself out there- eharmony, match.com, places in your community where men are out and about… and keep optimistic. Dont settle!

Post # 20
4414 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2016

I’m in the “met the love of my life on Tinder in my mid 30’s” boat too! Met him at 33, engaged a year and a half later, and we’ve been married for a week! I live in a state where everyone gets married and has tons of babies at 20 and if you don’t everybody thinks you’re some kind of mutant. My path was different, and that’s fine. Everybody has to find their own way. 

Post # 21
640 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

I think that you should weigh what is most important to you at this point. Is it finding a soul-mate or becoming a mother? Finding love is all about chance. If you meet someone you may click or you may not. BUT you are a successful business woman. If you want a child you should take action on that as soon as possible. You do not need a relationship for this. Adopt or got to a sperm bank. In your mid-thirties, you may find love after having children. Many people seeking relationships at your age would not consider children a deal-breaker.

Post # 22
253 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: City, State

Have you read “Find a Husband After 35” by Rachel Greenwald? It’s a really great book that focuses on marketing yourself and taking proactive steps towards meeting the One 🙂

Post # 23
743 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

How are you currently meeting guys? I met my DH on OkCupid. I had REALLY looked down on dating apps in the past. I moved to a new city and that was the ONLY way people out of college dated. I met my DH a few months before I turned 30 and we got married last week the day after I turned 32. Before this I took a LONG time off of dating. I found myself and I figured out what I did and didn’t want in a mate. I figured out what I was doing wrong and how to communicate. 

As far as kids go, it’s almost 2017 and you absolutely don’t need a physical man to make that happen anymore. A friend of mine just had a baby via donner (she’s part of a same sex couple). However; she had always said she wanted a baby before a certain age and if it wasn’t with someone she loved she would do it on her own. It sounds like financially you might be in a position to make something like this happen. 

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