(Closed) Might be waiting A LOT longer

posted 6 years ago in Waiting
Post # 2
Member
1733 posts
Bumble bee

I didn’t have the issue so I can’t give you advice there but…

You stated you were young- how old are you? 

If you are late twenties, I probably wouldn’t wait around either but if you were early 20’s, I would definitely talk with him again…when you have both cooled off and had time to process the situation.

Post # 3
Member
5304 posts
Bee Keeper

You feel terrible about this because his conversations about marriage led you to believe the 2 of you were on the same page and now your recent conversation has shown you that you aren’t. Just how young are you? Unless you’re quite young, 5 more years before an engagement sounds like a long time to wait when you’ve already been discussing marriage. At least he provided you with reasons, even if you said only some of these reasons seem valid to you, because this means he’s at least open to talking about it- as opposed to guys who go silent and pissy or prattle on about it being a surprise. I think you need to have a discussion about the reasons that don’t seem valid to you. It’s understandable that witnessing his mom’s experiences would influence his desire for caution- but not to the point where it prevents him from moving forward in his own relationship.

If you’re willing to share this with us- what were the reasons he gave (both the ones you feel are valid or invalid)? It’s understandable if you want to keep some details private, but giving us Bees a clearer picture of what he sees as obstacles could help us give you better advice.

Post # 5
Member
215 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

You feel terrible probably because, despite 3 years together, this man is not at all sure he wants to marry you and you have very different timelines. I would want to get engaged at that point as well and I am not sure how two more years together is going to help him know you better. It would be one thing if he just isn’t ready for marriage, but it seems he isn’t ready for marriage with you (according to your description). 10 years is a LONG time and then what? What if he is not ready then? That said, each person has their needs, and he is entitled to wait or not get married at all. If he needs this time, then you have to decide what you need more- him without a committment, or someone who is ready to commit to you. 

Post # 6
Member
2 posts
Wannabee

View original reply
silkchick4545:  I’m curious, are you upset because he led you to believe otherwise in regards to the timeline? Or are you upset because it’s not happening as quick as what you would like? 

Post # 7
Member
2527 posts
Sugar bee

I would appreciate his honesty and move on with my life. He isn’t a youngin’ and three years is plenty of time to know if you’ve met the “right person” or not. When people say that to you, that indicates that there is still a question about if you are that “right person” and adding another 3 years or 5, frequently doesn’t resolve that type of ambivalence. So he fully expects to lay up with you, avail himself of all your goodies for EIGHT YEARS PRIOR to deciding if you may or may not be the “right peson”? And then wait two MORE years for good measure?? Nah…wouldn’t work for me. Not saying he doesn’t love you but he’s more interested in playing house than building a life and a future with you. If those things are on your mind, you’ll most likely find them elsewhere and he’s currently taking up space and blocking your view.

Post # 9
Member
2168 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2017 - Hogarths, Solihull

View original reply
silkchick4545:  Ok, at first I thought you were being silly. You’re 23, I thought, still young – what’s the rush?

Then I did the maths and this would mean you getting married when you’re about 30? That does seem like a long time away.

I’m 24 myself (almost 25) and we’ll be getting married on our 9 year Anniversary next year. Now, that makes sense for us as we got together SO young.

What are his reasons? Just the illogical ones, if you prefer.

Have you told him that waiting until you’re 30 isn’t really fair to you? If you want to start a family, it is generally advised that you start before you’re 30 as you’re more fertile. 

You need to have a sit down and work out WHY you want to get married sooner. What will change in your relationship when you get married? For me, marriage is a precursor to children. I don’t want them out of Wedlock. Fiance knows this and we sat and had a conversation about when we wanted kids and planned backwards. Another of my reasons was that I wanted to look young and pretty in our Wedding photos. Shallow, yes, but I only plan on doing it once!

Make a list, write it down and then have an open, honest conversation. See if you can maybe reach a compromise, whatever that may be. It may just be that he hasn’t thought of your side of things.

Hope you get to a suitable conclusion

xxx

Post # 10
Member
333 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

dont want to sound like a cynic, but there are plenty of stories on here where men keep the women on a hook by pushing a timeline back and back again.

He may be true to his word and maybe even move it sooner as the years go on. However, five years on top of three for a proposal is an awfully long time, especially when one party is not content with waiting that long.

Im a firm believer of if a man wants to get married he will make it happen, and I’m sorry but it just sounds like he’s buying himself more and more time. 

if marriage is important to you then I would make it clear that it’s a deal breaker. Also, you need to think that if you do wait another five years and he changes his mind, how are you going to feel?

Also, i don’t feel right about men imposing timelines, he should compromise and find a number of years thatyou’re both happy with 🙂 🙂 

Post # 13
Member
486 posts
Helper bee

He doesn’t need an extravagant wedding. To me, it sounds like an excuse. Your timeline sounded perfectly reasonable barring any important info that you have left out (I.e. He is thousands in debt). 

Post # 14
Member
150 posts
Blushing bee

My fiancé said the exact same thing to me! He wanted to make sure he had the money to get me a great ring and to have a nice wedding. We got engaged in February and our 10 year anniversary is in August. I guess I didn’t mind because we were really young when we started dating, we bought a place together at 22/23 and that felt like a big commitment on its own. He then went on to law school and it was not financially possible for him to give me the kind of wedding or ring he thought I deserved. 

If you know you’ll be together forever, it doesn’t matter when you get married (that’s my outlook on it anyway). I think it sounds like he has a good heart and wants to do it right, you’re the only one who was there to hear his reasoning and you just have to decide whether it’s valid/if you’re okay with it. Good luck!

Post # 15
Member
13950 posts
Honey Beekeeper

View original reply
silkchick4545:  “I don’t know what to do bees I can’t tell him I would be willing to wait longer, but it seems like a silly problem to leave over (in my case) because it hasn’t happened yet.”

What has happened is that he’s reneged on a timeline that you previously discussed together. In your position I would not buy a house or continue with the status quo. 

The topic ‘Might be waiting A LOT longer’ is closed to new replies.

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