(Closed) Might leave him….advice? *VERY long*

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
194 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I think that by starting this thread, you already know the answer to your question.

I can’t make up your mind for you, but what you are saying is you are with somebody who won’t communicate with you, is stopping you from persuing your dreams and is being unrealistic about his educational abilities resulting in having you financially carry him while he keeps failing courses.

Post # 4
Member
212 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I agree , you need to do whats best for you ..and if this is the way your feeling ..then i suggest telling him , even if he gets mad ..your suppose to be a team ..and you don’t feel he’s pulling his weight , then u need to tell him ..and if all he does is get mad and defensive , then u know what you have to do ..I think when people get defensive there’s something up ..Go with your gut ..and Be true to yourself ..Maybe this will give him a wake up call ..You never know ..

Anyways i wish you the best of luck , and please let us in on what you’ve decided to do ..

 

Post # 5
Member
6 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2009

Ithink the issues sound bigger than the fact that he just doesn’t want a wedding.  Not that that’s not big.  You definately should not be putting your dreams on hold.  Go to grad school.  YOu also shouldn’t be marrying someone who wouldn’t want you to acheive everything you ever dreamed.  No one should really get married just because that’s the end goal in itself.  All these issues aren’t going to go away as soon as you get married.  You’ll have a wedding and he’ll still not want you to go to grad school, he’ll still not be making any money, and how are you supposed to support kids?  One other thing worried me- if you aren’t actively planning a wedding, why are you having to change your name to post on here?  Is he stalking your posts- that sounds way to possessive and a huge red flag.  I know that its really hard to leave the person you love, but don’t be with someone who’s going to stifle and control you. Love yourself more.

Post # 7
Member
7975 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Hey,

Your Fiance sounds a lot like my ex. We dated for 3 1/2 years; he was six years older than me, and when we started dating he was 3 years away from graduating college (so was I) – when we finally broke up, he was still 3 years away from a BA, despite having been on and off in classes the whole time. Couldn’t hold a steady job, had no reasonable or responsible attitude about spending money – constantly asking either me or his parents to pay his rent, buy him groceries, ‘lend’ him money, etc. Talked about having kids ALL THE TIME, but would never talk about marriage.

I loved him, in a way. The longer I’m out of the relationship, the more I realize it wasn’t really love as much as a need to be needed (in my case). The straw that it took to break my back was the *second* (yeah, I know, really dumb sometimes) time he cheated on me.

In retrospect, a lot of people told me to get out while I was in it, and I ignore or scorned most of their advice. I could justify any and all of his behavior when I wanted. I realize now that they were right, but at the time I couldn’t hear it properly. I still shudder to think of how it would have been if we’d actually gotten married — I can gaurantee he would have spent every penny I earned, most likely without consulting me, taken me for granted (he was already doing that), disrespected me …. basically all those negative patterns would have gotten worse.

Your situation is similar to what mine was, but I know that it’s not exactly the same, but I do hope you can take something away from hearing it.

Bottom line – if you’re unsure at ALL, don’t rush into marriage. For any reason!

Good luck; I hope things work out well for you, with or without him. I’ll be praying for you, I hope that’s okay.

Post # 8
Member
2695 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

My first Fiance I think proposed to me just so he could keep me around.  When we met I was on a job in his town.  I knew that after a year I would be moving.  He knew this too.  So he asked me to stay with him.  I told him I couldn’t unless I knew the relationship would become a marriage.  So I left and in 3 months he proposed.  I started moving my things to his house when I would go visit.  I started interviewing for jobs, any job I could find.  Not what I wanted to do.  He also told me I couldn’t do the theater any more or bring my cat.

I realized that the relationship was about him and what made him happy.  Not what made me happy.  All of us should be able to have our own dreams and follow them.  I would have never asked him to give up his dreams or hobbies.

You should maybe take a break from him to find out what it is you and he wants in the relationship.

Post # 9
Member
563 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

This is a very tough situation, and I’m really sorry that you are experiencing it!  This is going to be very hard, but I really don’t think you should marry any man who doesn’t consider your needs to be equal to his.  It is hard to raise children without a loving, supportive partner.  Honestly, if you are working two jobs to put him through school, then he should be putting forth a lot of effort to complete his degree as quickly as possible.  

Post # 10
Member
350 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2009

My honest reaction: you sound like a wonderful partner, and your fiance sounds selfish and immature.  I know it’s really hard to get a fair image of a whole relationship from 1 message board post, but from what you said, it sounds like you’re giving 110% to keep him financially solvent and help him realize his dreams, and instead of working his butt off to finish his degree and telling you how much he appreciates everything you do, he just wants you to keep putting your dreams on hold so he can continue doing whatever he wants.  Worst of all, you’ve told him you’re unhappy and you want to go to couples counseling, but he gets angry and defensive and won’t talk to you about it.

I know it would be hard to leave him, and you’d feel sad if he lost his house, but unless he is willing to work with you to fix what’s wrong in your relationship, *please* don’t marry him.  You can’t live feeling like your partner takes and takes and takes and never gives back.  Unless he’s willing to face that you’re unhappy and start making some changes, take the GRE, go to grad school, and don’t look back.

Post # 11
Member
1023 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I agree with previous posters. I think you know the answer already.

But here’s what I think… you deserve your dreams and to do what’s best for you. He is not looking out for you and your relationship. It sounds like he is using you. A partnership works when both people willingly give and take. Your relationship sounds out of balance. Good luck!

Post # 12
Member
209 posts
Helper bee

I honestly believe that you are way out of his league and should just move on.  It seems that you are the only one trying the best to be responsible and loving in this relationship.  It’s senseless to give up your dreams and aspirations for one that seems not to really care.  

Post # 13
Member
290 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

First of all, Hugs. What a hard thing to be grappling with. This is going to be okay. You are composed and self aware and are able to articulate your feelings. I think in these situations it is important to focus on yourself and what YOU want and need from a partner and from life. He doesn’t have to be a bad person, but obviously he isn’t giving you what you need. 

I initially wrote a whole bunch of advice, but it sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders and a pretty in touch with your heart. So instead I will just remind you that your family and friends love you, they will support you no matter what, and not judge you for changing your mind, if that is what you decide. So many women (on these boards, and in life) have the same story and go on to find fulfilling loving partners, and years later can look back and be grateful for the lessons. There are also people (albeit fewer of them) who have surmounted big problems, put in the hard work with their future spouse, and made it through to the other side.

For college Psych, we had to watch a documentary on counseling methods.  The doctor featured was able to reliably predict a couple’s divorce odds based on watching them discuss minor/moderate household issues (dogs, money management). He didn’t focus on what the issue at hand was, solely on the interaction between the two. When a couple felt obvious affection and respect for one another, even when presented with more difficult problems, they typically stayed together. When a couple demonstrated resentment and contempt, even through joking and sarcasm, they almost never did. You seem in touch with yourself enough to be able to judge where you and your Fiance are at. Good luck, whatever you choose.

Post # 14
Member
531 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

JoeyEmma hit the nail on the head. I think this man is hindering you. You’re clearly not happy and your relationship is unhealthy and yet he is not willing to meet you half way. He sounds rather selfish and immature. He may well loose the house with you not around to pay his way but, he shouldn’t be using you as his financial krutch, it sounds like he doesn’t appreciate you and is milking you.

I wish you the best in whatever decision you make.

Post # 15
Member
1276 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

Without cheating or abuse, I don’t like to make snap judgments about people’s relationships, but it sounds like you’re in a very unhealthy situation.  To give you some perspective, I got married 3 weeks ago.  I’m moving cross-country for a year to pursue an incredible career opportunity.  It’s not the ideal way to begin a marriage, but given our long term goals for family, it’s what works for us.  It was my husband who encouraged me to apply for this opportunity, and he keeps telling me everyday that while he’s going to miss me and being apart will be hard he wants me to be happy with my career and he’s excited for me to have this chance.

Not every relationship is the same, but it really bothers me that he is essentially telling you to put your dreams (your own word) on hold indefinitely.  And while I don’t know what degree you plan to pursue, I can tell you that it’s a lot easier to commit to grad school when you’re younger and when your undergrad experience is more recent.  It really gets harder with time.

Good luck with everything!  I hope you find a solution that will give you some peace…whatever you decide.

Post # 16
Member
2641 posts
Sugar bee

I’m sorry for your situation.  Honestly, if you were my friend, I’d be telling you to leave him.  I cannot imagine a 32 year old man, leaching off of his 23 year girlfriend, and having the necessary qualities to be a good husband and father.  I could go on, but it isn’t necessary.

Good luck.  Go to grad school.  And start a fresh life.

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