Post # 1
Just looking for some input. My mother is inviting ~10 friends, and Mother-In-Law is inviting one family ~6 people and one couple. That is what we have allotted her for. Now, both of our mothers have a large group of friends — but my Mother-In-Law is the only one saying we cannot invite one couple of the 8 couple group, as that is rude.
Normally, I would let it slide — but let’s be honest, 16 people is a lot of money. And the only reason my mother is inviting so many of her friends is we are only inviting 15 family members, and his side is inviting 50. Essentially, our family friends are taking the place of family. Am I in the wrong to stand my ground and not invite the rest of MIL’s group? I’m just genuinely ticked off that she is insistent on inviting this round table of women that I don’t even know, and Fiance kind of knows. Moreover, it’s not just a bride/groom imbalance, as we are from two very different cultures, and I don’t want to feel as though my family is showing up to some middle America family reunion. I’m trying to keep it as culturally balanced as possible, and this isn’t helping. Thanks for the input!
EDIT: Forgot I gave my parents 10, and her 8. Originally it was even numbers but in her words “it puts me and all my friends in an awkward position because not everyone’s invited”…which is exactly what my mom has to do…so, I’m not sure how to treat this.
Post # 2
I was having a similar issue with my folks. No, I don’t think you’re wrong. I gave my folks of ~8 people each. My dad had a few more than that but cut it from 40 to 13 (all but two live overseas) so we let it slide. If your Mother-In-Law wants to invite them then your Fiance should let her know she has to cut someone else. Of course you could suggest she pay for the extra people but that doesn’t help with the balance.
Post # 3
it sounds like both moms were given 8 people to invite and that’s totally fair and equal! Just because Mother-In-Law decided to use 6 of her invites on one family isn’t your fault or your problem. FWIW we gave each parent 1 couple that they could add to our guest list. My Mother-In-Law didn’t like it so we told her should convince her husband to give her his couple, but we weren’t giving her any extra!
Post # 4
I think 8 is a pretty generous number to give assuming you likely don’t even know those guests that well. I would just keep reinterating that you can only invite so many people and you are at your limit. If she thinks it’s rude to only invite one of the eighht couples, she could always just not invite any.
I wouldn’t worry about balance though. Some families are bigger than others. That’s just the way it goes sometimes. I’ve never noticed or cared whose side had more guests.
Post # 5
I totally get that sometimes it happens, but…I’m just gonna be blunt: it’s VERY obvious whose family is whose based on skin tone alone, haha. And honestly it’s already hard for me personally to know I’ll have a paltry 15 to his 50 family members. I just want to feel like it’s my wedding too.
Post # 6
With my Mother-In-Law, she paid for the people she invited as extras.
Can your future Mother-In-Law do the same?
Post # 7
Just a quick question for clarification: How many people total were you planning on inviting? 85?
I mean, regardless, I think you should stick to your guns and let them figure it out. If they don’t want to invite one out of the circle, they can invite none. I’m having a huge wedding that I didn’t really want (I wanted to elope but my FH and families were not having that), and I wish I had stuck to my guns when it came to having a small wedding instead of letting my parents and in-laws commandeer my guest list.
Post # 8
Wow, we’re in the same boat!! We are having 140 or so. 75 on his side 65 on mine. 50 of his are family, 15 on mine are family the rest are friends. I wanted to elope, he wanted a big wedding. This is our compromise so to speak, with the caveat that I insisted if we’re going to have a big wedding it needs to be Catholic.
Post # 9
I would perhaps up MILs numbers to ~10 so that she’s getting to invite exactly the same number of people as your mother, but I wouldn’t give her anymore wriggle room. I think giving them 10 invites to use as they wish is incredibly generous – if M.I.L isn’t happy with that, that’s her problem. I wouldn’t want a bunch of people that neither I or D.H know at our wedding, and I think your M.I.L is pretty rude to expect that of you.
FWIW, we didn’t let any of our parents invite people to our wedding. We wrote out our lists and let each side of the family look over them, giving them the opportunity to request additions if they felt it necessary – but we still reserved the right to say no. My mum’s best friend and her family are family friends (as in, I go around there all the time without my mum) so they were already on the list. MILs best friend and her husband were also on the list as we know her well – D.H calls her “Aunty [first name]”. We barely know any of my dad or my FILs’ friends, so none of them made the list – and our dads didn’t ask them add them either.
Post # 10
I totally get it. That was one of my requirements too. If I’m going to have the big wedding you want, I’m getting the full mass Catholic wedding at the church that I want. I mean, for me, at the end of the day, my parents are paying for the reception that they want, so I really can’t complain. I basically took my hands off and said “you’re paying for it, you deal with it”
I decided that the ceremony and marriage are for me. The reception is for everyone else.
Post # 11
Had the exact same issue woth my MIL!! We had a serious venue restriction and huge families, and to this day MiL will sometimes make these little manipulative comments about how hard it was for her to only be able to invite 5 sets of friends (no mention of the fact that we, on her insistence, had to invite all these long lost cousins and aunts, that we could barely invite friends, or that we barely knew any of these friends! Not to mention that my family paid for the entire wedding!)
I’ve learned to just let it go. You can’t please everyone. You’re not being unfair or unreasonable, but MiL might be unhappy about it anyway, and that’s just the way it is :-/ sorry bee