- 10 years ago
So this is probably going to be a long post. Bear with me! I appreciate it…
Fiance and I have been together about 5 years (since beginning of college) and we’ve known each other since grade school – dated for a short time in high school. About a year ago we got engaged. Probably as a result of pressure from me. I was moving across country and was looking for an assurance of commitment.
Several months before our engagement, my Future Sister-In-Law got engaged (she’s in her early thirties). As soon as I got engaged, she called to make sure that I wasn’t planning our wedding near hers. Since it was literally minutes after the proposal, and I hadn’t thought at all about planning, I just brushed it off.
Six months later I was getting sort of antsy being engaged and ready to be married, but not doing any planning because of SILs wedding. So I brought it up to my fiance and suggested we have a small ceremony (family only) in about six months time. He agrees and I start planning, picking out flowers, setting up a ceremony date, ordering invitations, etc. I make an appointment with out pastor to set down a date for sure and start moving along the process (our church has a sort of pre-marriage counseling type program).
A few minutes before we’re getting ready to leave to meet with out pastor, my fiance starts bringing up all these reasons why we shouldn’t get married this year. And they all have to do with his sister and her wedding (which would be almost four months after our wedding). He says that she and his mother are furious because I (not us) am “springing” this on his family. His sister is upset because she’s spending upwards of 30 grand on a huge lavish ceremony, and our backyard bbq wedding will “steal her thunder.” She also says that it’s rude of my fiance to get married before she does, because she’s the oldest child (more than 5 years older than my fiance).
His mom is also mad because her extended family (we’re talking 100+ cousins, second cousins, aunts, uncles etc. that she hasn’t seen in DECADES) live in Europe and won’t be able to make a second trip. I understand this BUT! they aren’t even making the trip for SILs wedding!
So, we’re late for this appointment, and I’m trying to be understanding, but I’m really pissed off. I suggest that we change the date until 4 months AFTER SILs wedding (so she can get married first…whatever). He says that will work. So we cancel our appt. and reschedule for next week.
The next day, we’re working on planning again and he says that we can’t do it after his sister’s wedding, because she’s been planning really hard so doesn’t want any other big events that year. That’s right. She doesn’t want any other weddings in the family that YEAR.
I’m fed up at this point, and I decide to just postpone the whole thing. I’m frazzled because I’m tired of dealing with his high-maintenance mom and sister, and I’m feeling seriously underappreciated. So I’m bawling on the phone to my mom and she tells me that we need to just set a date as a couple, and whoever doesn’t want to, or can’t come, doesn’t have to show up. She says that even if we wait a year, that doesn’t mean something else won’t come up (true: SIL is planning a baby the year after she gets married). I think her advice was sound, but at the time I just dropped the fight with my fiance and the planning altogether.
It’s been six months since all of this happened, and I’m feeling incredibly resentful, because I had to give up what I wanted to suit other people. I also have residual anger because I feel that my fiance should have supported me. (FYI we’d been living together for over a year when we got engaged). I’ve tried to bring this up with my fiance in order to get some closure, but he hasn’t really acknowledged that he hurt my feelings.
I guess I’m just looking for some advice on how to move forward from this. I’m wondering how to get over what happened. In my opinion when people commit to marriage they should defend and support their partners, even against their own family.
Anyway. Thanks for reading through, and thanks for your comments.