(Closed) MIL and SIL drama – wedding postponed

posted 10 years ago in Family
Post # 32
Member
1080 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2010

one day not a year. You are already being super nice by moving your already fleshed out plans. I say do your wedding 4 months after. She will throw a fit and look dumb.

Post # 33
Member
197 posts
Blushing bee

I think she is being unreasonable about you getting married 4 months after her wedding. That is rediculous. And you should not have to worry about Mother-In-Law and SIL reactions to that. They cannot stop you from getting married!

I can kind of see where she is coming from with having your wedding before hers. It does take away from her engagement and put the focus on your wedding, which is hard. Everyone wants their time to be a bride-to-be. My sister in law had to deal with this situation (although she and her family are wonderful people and aren’t anywhere near as demanding and selfish as your inlaws sound.) But my sister-in-law got engaged and then her sister got engaged a month later and started planning her wedding to be a couple months before my sister in law’s wedding. So for 80% of the time she was engaged, all the focus was on her sister. She dealt with it gracefully and obviously was beyond happy and excited for her sister but I can imagine it would be a bit hard to swallow.

Post # 34
Member
7367 posts
Busy Beekeeper

Unfreaking real. Truth is nothing you do will satisify these self centered people. Have your day 4 months after hers. Don’t fall poly to their tactics of trying to pull rank as you did before. How dare she say that.

I have situation with someone in tmily he family that seems to want me to be all up her butt for her upcoming ceremony. She’s started trying to make this a competition for a few months, I could honestly care less. She’s gonna out spend me on anything I try to do (cause to her more money is better). I don’t play into it and i know that irks her. She wants to me oh and ahh andmaybe I would if A) if  I really cared about the details of her ocassion B) if she was truly a genuine person who wanted to share without an ulterior motive.

Fiance and I have already predicted that anything we try to do she’s gonna wanna think on some level we copying her. She’s already made numerous comments. She needs to grow up, but she won’t. Oh well.

Post # 35
Member
2867 posts
Sugar bee

Your fiance’s reaction would have been a deal breaker for me.  Future Mother-In-Law and Future Sister-In-Law are completely terrible people.  Weddings aren’t about “thunder,” they’re about blending two families and a promise of lifelong commitment.  I’m sorry this is happening.

Post # 37
Member
108 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: March 2011

your mother is a very smart lady.  I second her advice.  You can’t live your life around everyone else’s schedules.

Post # 38
Member
92 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Haha, I can only imagine what your Future Sister-In-Law would have said if she was mine and not yours.. After all, I’m getting married a month after my brother!really 

I really do think your mother had the best advice, and in my experience it’s true — there will always be SOMETHING.

Post # 39
Member
25 posts
Newbee

I actually don’t think it’s terrible that people don’t want to have two weddings within months of each other.  Not because of the “limelight” issue – that’s nonsense.  There is no limelight, except on your wedding day.  No one else is sitting around, obsessing over the fact that you’re about to get married, or you just got married.  They focus on you on that one day, then they return to their own lives.

But it is difficult to have two family events within months of each other.  You have a lot of the same guests, and a lot of preperation from the family.  Even if your wedding is casual and the groom’s family is not involved in the planning, the mother of the groom is still organizing her guests, getting a dress, cleaning her house, etc.  It’s just easier and less stressful if weddings are more spaced out  Not that they HAVE to be.  But it’s not crazy that in the midst of all this stress, your future SIL and Mother-In-Law are selfishly thinking of themselves.

That being said, it does sound like you have a tense relationship with them, especially your Mother-In-Law.  So it seems very likely that she may constantly be in search of something to delay your wedding to her son.  Which sucks, but that’s her problem.  Don’t make it yours.

YOUR problem is your fiance.  This isn’t him not standing up to his mother.  His dismissive attitude towards you in the beginning indicates that he didn’t care, not that he was unwilling to fight them.  And for all that he is saying the right words now – did he propose setting a new date for your wedding??  It doesn’t sound like it.  He sounds like he is grasping at the reasons to delay the wedding.  Which isn’t terrible – getting married is scary.  But as opposed to focusing on the reasons he is grasping at, like his family, you should focus your talks on setting an actual wedding date.  This sister’s wedding is coming up, you could set your wedding 6 months from now and move it into the new year.  The time is right to start planning.  So see how he feels about doing that now.  If HE is actually ready now.

Post # 40
Member
624 posts
Busy bee

>>She doesn’t want any other weddings in the family that YEAR.<<

You get a day!!  Not a week, a month or a YEAR.  That is insane.

 

Post # 41
Member
457 posts
Helper bee

I too I have my bundle of SIL and Future Mother-In-Law issues that my Fiance and I are trying to work out. From experience your Fiance has to STICK up for you and have your back. Your relationship is not going to work if he doesn’t. You have to be a team and being a team is him putting his family in their place and having your best interest in mind.

My Fiance does back me up and support me and understands 100% how I feel, but is having a tough time standing up to his family and telling him butt out and know this crap off, he will let his mom go on and on for hours about me, while he does tell her stop, but it doesn’t set any boundries for her or anything because he is not firm about it. It’s tearing us a apart. We are going to a therapist to work through these issues, but I know that my feelings and hurt come from feeling like I’m fighting a battel with his family alone, it shouldn’t be that way.

Your SIL is selfish, you have to stop the cycle before they keep controlling your life. If cutting them out and saying look we are getting married XXXX you are more than welcome to attend, if not your lose, but we won’t be changing our wedding date again. BE FIRM!

Post # 42
Member
3124 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

I’m surprised someone wants to marry the Future Sister-In-Law at all, sheesh. Keep taking the high road and make decisions for you and your Fiance, not for everybody else.

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Post # 45
Member
611 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I think what you really need to question is if you are ok with you Fiance agreeing with you but not sticking up for you in front of his family.  I’m not saying that he has to side with you and no longer speak to them, but he does need to understand that you are going to be his wife and that there is no room for SIL and Mother-In-Law in a husband and wife team.  Just because they want things done a certian way does not mean that it is ok and you should not be forced to live a life in the SIL’s wake.  You need to have a talk with him and let him know that you need to know he has your back and isn’t going to let his family treat you like trash.

Post # 46
Member
516 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

No one can tell you when is the right time for YOU to get married. You need to re-think this decision!

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