- 2 weeks ago
I want to apologize for the long post in advance; I would love some outside insight. To give some background information, I have been with my husband for about 6 years. We do not live in the local area of either of our families. Both of our families are either a 3-hour flight away or a 15 plus hour drive. We are both working professionals with limited vacation time.
One of the qualities I love about my husband is how family-oriented he is. He is very close to his family, and once we started dating, his family took me in as a daughter. My husband has a very close bond with both his parents and used to vacation and spend a lot of time traveling back to his hometown. Once I became part of the family, I also spent most of my leave, spending time with his parents. Although his parents are fantastic and we always had a lot of fun, I began seeing a trend of his mom’s growing expectations of us always vacationing and making time for them.
Not only did I feel the number of expectations grow but there has also been a lack of boundary with his mom. For example, we had a wedding where everyone had to travel to due to where everyone lives, and his mom decided to make her own traveling plans and book the same flights my husband and I were on and also book a room that was right next to us. She never consulted with us and my husband and I never got to spend alone time during our week-long trip. Another example is a few years ago for my husband’s birthday, I planned a surprise party for him and invited all our friends. His mom called me to ask me if I had any plans for his birthday and I told her about the surprise birthday party, and she said “awesome! What a great idea!”. A few days later, my husband asked me if we had any plans for his birthday because his mom offered him to buy him a flight to go back home and spend his birthday with them. I was hurt and livid. I had to tell my husband about the surprise birthday party and how his mom knew that I already had plans.
I did express all my feelings about his mom’s behavior to my husband, and he listened but never did anything about it until now. I am also aware I played a role in all this by allowing everything to continue to happen, but we finally put our foot down, and this is where the actual issue begins with both my Mother-In-Law and SIL.
PRESENT TIME: Since we have planned so many vacations with his parents, we never get to spend time with my family or his other siblings who also live in different states from his parents and his sister (SIL lives a mile away from MIL). Although my husband’s brothers live in separate states from his parents, they are within an easier driving distance (4 plus hours). Just like everyone else, my husband and I have not been able to do much for the past year, so we decided that it would be cool to hang out with one of his brothers in September for a labor day weekend.
My husband called his brother and made the plans with him. We were good to go to hang out with my Brother-In-Law and his wife for Labor Day weekend. I guess my husband later on told his mom about the trip in casual conversation and his mom began making plans with our trip stating how she can invite the whole family and it can be a family event. My husband explicitly stated that this is not a family trip and it’s a trip him and I want to take to just hang out with his brother, who we never really get to see. His mom said okay, but she basically invited herself and said she will come with my DIL.
A few weeks later, we also found out that the SIL with her family of 4 was planning on coming. Nobody told my husband OR his brother (the owner of the home) that this was part of the plan. My Mother-In-Law basically took it upon herself to invite herself and her daughter’s family to a trip that wasn’t hers to make any plans with.
My husband finally opened his eyes and realized how bad things are getting. On Sunday, he spoke to his parents and basically told them how he felt his mom’s actions were disrespectful and out of line. He also said that they are not respecting us as adults, and boundaries need to be set. My Mother-In-Law took no responsibility in the matter and sat there quietly. She also stated that she didn’t make plans with my SIL but that my SIL just did it all on her own. (I wasn’t in the conversation, but I heard most of it because it was via skype and I was in the next room). My Father-In-Law is more aware of things and actually agreed with my husband.
My husband then called his sister to explain the intent of the trip (it was supposed to just be us and his brother since we never get to see them) and she had the audacity to become furious with my husband. My SIL stated that she feels attacked and ostracized from the family and how dare my husband want to see his brother and not hang out with anyone else when he is just going to be 4 hours away driving distance. My husband tried to reason with her, but she is not having it, and as of right now they are not on speaking terms. My SIL made our trip about her and acted like we planned this to intentionally hurt her.
At this point, I do not feel like going on this trip or even really seeing his family right now. I am appalled at how my SIL and Mother-In-Law are behaving. She gets to see her family one-on-one, and we never get to do that because my husband’s parents are always around or is an entire family event when we do get to see them. My husband’s brothers are also in agreement that my Mother-In-Law and SIL are out of line. The reason I am combining my Mother-In-Law and SIL is because they are best friends. Since they live a mile away from each other, they do everything together. They also work at the same place. Usually, when plans are made with my Mother-In-Law, my SIL is an automatic tag along.
I am fully aware that my husband and I played a major role in supporting this behavior. We should have created boundaries a long time ago, but I am happy that at least my husband is becoming aware of how bad the situation really is and is taking action.
What do you all think about the situation? Should we still go on the trip or should we just cancel it?
Also, I apologize for how long this post is. I had to leave other details out, or if not, it would have been a novel.