Post # 1
My FI/DH married in the court before his last deployment on the DL and will have our dream wedding this May 2017. My DHs parents live in Canada and have for about 4 years or so (DHs Mom remarried a Canadian). They are hosting and paying for the rehearsal dinner. Since they live in Canada and don’t know the area very well, she asked me to help her find a place to have the rehearsal dinner.
Is this ok? I know it’s against etiquette to plan your own shower or party but she is asking me to help. I don’t mind…it’s just a dinner. I found a couple places and sent them to her and she shot them down immediately saying they were too expensive. Which I respect, because they are hosting. However we’re getting married on a farm in a small town so there aren’t many options for dinner. She also doesn’t want to drive far from the rehearsal to dinner so I’m stuck finding a nice place in a small town, which probably why it’s on the higher side ($28pp for appetizer, dinner, and dessert).
At this point, I kind of just feel like telling her to do the work. If she thinks what I am picking out doesn’t suit her budget or needs, then don’t you think it’s appropriate that she do the work and find something? I’m getting annoyed by it at this point!
Post # 2
A rehearsal dinner isn’t a party in your honor. It’s to thank the people who took the time out of their day to rehearse for your wedding. You could host and pay for it if you want to and many brides and grooms do host their own. So yes, if she wants to pay but have you do the work out of convenience to her that is just fine.
Post # 3
I don’t see anything wrong with her asking for your help since she is not familiar with the area. I think you need to ask what the budget is and then go from there as it seems like that hasn’t been discussed. They are trying to do a nice thing for you, I wouldn’t act like i’m being put out by having to do some googling.
Idk, your attitude about this just kind of rubs me the wrong way.
Post # 4
Have Fiance handle this, he can search for places just as much as you. But as PP stated, nothing wrong with helping Future Mother-In-Law.
Post # 5
Who cares about etiquette. This crap makes me mad. Don’t put this all on your fiance just because his mom is paying for it. I don’t know why everybody gets so worked up about etiquette and who should and shouldn’t be doing this or paying for that. At least shes paying for it. She doesn’t know the area so how can you expect her to plan something? Just suck it up and do it and stop complaining.
Post # 7
Yeah, I have to agree, your attitude does suck a bit.
Ask your Mother-In-Law what her budget is, and explain the available options in said budget. It’s not her fault that she doesn’t really know the area. She’s being VERY generous offering to pay so I think you can be a bit more grateful and do a bit more work. There’s going to have to be a compromise somewhere. $28/person seems high, even where I live. Can you guys do something simple like BBQ or pizza?
My Future In-Laws offered to pay for our rehearsal dinner too. All of FI’s family is coming out of state so I thought it was really generous of them. Since they don’t live here, they asked me and Fiance to pick a place. We all agreed on pizza since my city is known for it so we found a place that fit their budget. It’s a little further than we originally wanted, but you have to compromise somewhere.
Post # 8
Since she is knocking all your choices ask her what her budget is, then send her options in that price range. If she doesn’t like those either, remind her that your options are limited in terms of proximity and price.
Post # 9
I don’t see why. If you don’t tell someone the budget, and have all kinds of stipulations, how can they help you effectively? That’s kind of annoying.
OP, I would talk to her and make sure you understand the budget, you can’t make informed choices without it. If you have a hard time, move your search our more let her know you have to compromise somewhere due to location.
Post # 10
Don’t blame etiquette for this, the OP has it wrong. The rehearsal dinner is completely different from a shower. There is absolutely nothing wrong with the bride and groom hosting their own rehearsal. On the contrary, if her Mother-In-Law hadn’t offered to host it, it would have fallen upon the couple to.
Your choice is either A. help with logistics and let Mother-In-Law pay, or B. do all the logistics AND pay. If you have a rehearsal, you should host the people involved. It was kind of your Mother-In-Law to pay, but the obligation is yours, not hers. You’re confused on the etiquette. Why would it be wrong for you to host the people who took time out of their lives to help ensure your day goes smoothly?
Post # 11
- Wedding: December 2016 - Presidio Log Cabin
I think it would be nice of you to help, or at least put together a few options for her that fit the budget that she can choose from. I ended up choosing the restaurant for ours and did all the actual planning with their contact, and my Mother-In-Law and I picked the menu together. It ended up being so much easier to do it that way since I was more familiar with the restaurants in the area.
Post # 12
My rehearsal dinner was in my hometown where we got married, in a town my Mother-In-Law had never been too. i planned the entire thing while checking in with my Mother-In-Law frequently in regards to her preferances and budget. Yes, it was more work coordinating a 70+ rehearsal (she kept inviting people), but frankly I thought it was so amazingly generous of her to pay, that I was happy to do it.
Post # 13
She wants to pay for a dinner for you and you’re throwing a tantrum cause she happen to shoot down your first round of picks for a legitimate reason? I mean, if I were her and you told me, I don’t wanna help and to just do this yourself, I’d just tell you to pay for your own damn rehersal dinner! Nothing says she HAS to pay. Instead of getting into a hissy about it, why not talk to her about a budget and work togehter with her to get this done. If during the planning it turns out that her request are not possible, then tell her what her options might be and go from there.
Post # 14
I don’t think her attitude quite sucks, she’s just busy and frustrated. Find out what the budget is, plan the dinner and be prepared to pay the balance of what is over. Many brides and grooms completely pay for their rehearsal dinner so a contribution from the in laws would be nice!
Post # 15
And she couldn’t have asked for a budget before looking and wasting her own time why? I’m sorry but when someone says “Hey, find a place to hold this event and I will take care of the bill!” the very first question out of my mouth is going to be “What sort of budget would you like to be in?”
Its not a hard question to ask and i’m sure when OP was planning things like her venue, photographer, etc. the first thing she did before looking was to figure out the budget of what she could afford for those things. This is no different even if someone else is footing the bill, you still figure the budget out first. Not get mad because you started blindly looking and wasted your own time because there was a lack of communication on both ends.
But I agree with you, ask the budget and if nothing fits move out the location. Thats fair.
ETA: Sorry if that came off as combative, just trying to explain why it rubbed me the wrong way.