Post # 16
Oh gosh this thread got a lot more action than I thought it would, haha! Thanks so much for all the responses. I want to clarify that although I definitely understand your advice and am a little hesitant about this I truly think this is the best option while our baby is very, very little. I’m a US bee so I’ll be going back to work when the baby is 3 months old and mostly I want to know that someone is going to be there who loves our baby. I definitely think there are some boundary issues about the coming by without calling (which she has since stopped) but there are no others at all as they pertain to our relationship and our wishes. I can think of only a few issues over the years where a behavior has to be adjusted and my husband takes care of it and the behavior is changed. My husband is also extremely supportive of me and is 100% okay with communicating expectations and issues to his mom and he’s actually more firm than I am about it.
We do plan to pay her what we’d be paying for daycare so she won’t be doing it for free and financially if we needed to make a change it wouldn’t be a problem. This isn’t a financial decision, it’s more about us wanting our child with someone who’s going to love them while they’re little. I hear you about the discipline issue, that’s definitely a consideration, but since we’d be transitioning to a daycare between 1 and 2 (or earlier if there are issues) I don’t think that would be as big of an issue. My husband and I are both very much on the same page about our parents following our rules when we have a child and if they don’t then access to our child would be limited. I definitely get that it could be awkward if we had to fire her but ultimately I would have no problem doing so if there were major issues. It might create some awkwardness but honestly when it comes to my kid IDGAF if someone’s feelings are hurt. We don’t need her in our child’s life we want her in it, but if there are issues we can definitely afford to hire babysitters for nights out and daycare. She only has boys so I have definitely let her be involved in stuff when it came to our wedding and I want to invite her to an ultrasound but she’s never inserted herself or pushed to be there or acted like she was entitled to that kind of access to me.
I love the trial period suggestion! We haven’t officially accepted her offer to babysit so we could discuss this when we let her know what we decide. I also like the suggestions about waiting until I’m further along to make a decision 100%. Ideally we would like to have a permanent solution identified soon, but if we had to find a daycare a couple months before I was due it would be feasible. I will say that we told her over a month ago that I’m pregnant and so far she’s been fine but I definitely get that her behavior may change.
Post # 17
I wanted to update this thread just in case anyone is wondering (since I just posted something else) and tell everyone that we are NOT having Mother-In-Law watch the baby. There’s a ton of reasons why but honeslty they’ve all been validated the further along I’ve gotten in my pregnancy. So if anyone searches through and is considering the same thing but doesn’t feel comfortable with it I’d encourage you to listen to yourself.
Post # 18
My automatic answer is no. Add that to the details of boundary stomping it’s a definite no. You’re literally setting yourselves for a major shitstorm and add to that, if you pull out when shit hits the fan, she’ll try to guilt how she had to quit her job.
Cardinal rule. Don’t use family for childcare. Point blank.
Edit: I’m relieved to see you changed your mind with the update.
Post # 19
My Mother-In-Law told me she was going to watch our child for us when I went back to work. This was the plan and then when DD was 3 weeks old, she informed us she wasn’t going to watch her. I had ZERO daycare at the point. When asking her how she could help, if at all, I said could you do a day or two a week because I can’t find M-F care for her since she’s so young. She said “I might be able to do a day…”
I found M-Th care and asked my parents to help and rotate each week to watch her on Fridays. My Mother-In-Law caught wind of this and got jealous and said she should get Thursdays…NOPE.
She caused us so much headache and stress. She was helpful when we were in a bind and needed back up care but consistent, regular care, I don’t think MILs or parents are a viable option. My daughter is in M-F daycare now and it’s been way better for everyone. I highly suggest looking at this. Babies are easy when they’re immobile and just sleep, eat, poop. As soon as your daughter crosses over into being mobile, demanding attention, etc….can she provide that to her easily??
Quitting a full-time job to take care of a baby is a huge risk too. I highly doubt you guys can pay her what she was making at her job, that’s also scary because long term I don’t think kids thrive from being in one place all the time and not around other kids. Once this baby turns 3 and is in preschool, then what does Mother-In-Law do? She’s out of a job and has been for years. Just all things to consider.
ETA: I have been trying to write/post this for like 40 minutes and just saw your update. Glad to hear you followed your instincts with what was right for you and your family.
Post # 20
I think it depends on your relationship with her as well as whether or not you believe she will do things your way… And the issues with the boundaries would need to be addressed directly. I personally would not want my mother-in-law taking care of my child for two reasons. The first is there’s major issues with boundaries with my in-laws, but also my Mother-In-Law physical ability to handle taking care of my child full time.
She has pretty bad back issues, and sciatica, and shoulder issues, and One of her hands is totally screwed up and chronically in pain she can’t grab and lift things properly sometimes. I’ve always watch them when they come over and play with my daughter and she is very frequently completely winded after 15 to 20 minutes and all I’m thinking is you think you can handle her for multiple days? Lol um no!!!
Small children are extremely physically demanding (up down up down on the floor, off the floor, squatting, kneeling, etc etc…) and my mom has a lot of friends who told her point blank that they couldn’t handle it for more then a day or 2.
I don’t know how old your Mother-In-Law is or how physically capable she is but as an example… My mom is a very physical person. They live on an acreage and do a lot of manual physical labour outside. She also goes to the gym a couple times a week and does various classes. My mom has fully admitted to me that there is no way that she could handle taking care of my daughter full-time because it’s too much. Once they start crawling and walking they literally do not stop all day, it’s actually kind of mind-boggling sometimes lol. But yeah that’s something I would also assess about the situation if I were in your shoes. A lot of grandparents have the best intentions of wanting to look after the children but sometimes they literally just can’t hack it.
Post # 21
That’s exactly what I said to my husband at one point to when the idea of my mother-in-law was brought up. I told him that I wanted to get her in preschool as soon as we could soooo this wasn’t going to be a long gig! What exactly was his mom going to do after that point. She would’ve given up a job that she had barely any senority yet at all ….for two years of babysitting? When unfortunately they financially need her to work pretty much for the next 15 years because they have no retirement plan ( don’t even get me started on that haha)
Post # 22
Awesome point! I’m not sure if you’ve read my update but we decided to not use her for care (which I’m so happy about) and the physical aspect was a consideration in our decision.
Literally same! Like if she was completely financially independent we would’ve considered 1 or 2 days a week (maybe) but the fact that she needs to work was a huge consideration. I don’t even know why she would’ve offered but she makes terrible financial decisions (and has no retirement plan)
Post # 23
ETA- just saw your update- wise to follow your inner guidance! Good luck with your coming baby!
Post # 24
Wise decision. While it is a personal choice for everyone, I think having family member as childcare just invites a pandora box of issues. And if that family member has history of boundry issues…oh my. We have a nanny, and could not be happier with that option. How did Mother-In-Law handle your decision? What happened for you to make that choice?