(Closed) MIL calling once a day…isn’t this too much?

posted 6 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
5993 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

ha!  my Mother-In-Law is greek also and has called us while on our honeymoon, on vacations etc…. but then again so has my italian mom and both have learnt that we wont answer the phone and rarely return phone calls unless the message is its urgent/someone is sick.  oh, and my Mother-In-Law & Father-In-Law live right next door and both hubbys brothers live in the same street

as a result of not over sharing with them we only have about 2 lunches per year with them and i can go weeks without seeing them, hubby drops over next door about once a week to say hi – im not ignoring them but im busy and tired and just want to go home and relax

his married brother on the other hand, who never set boundries is at their house almost every day, the inlaws have a say in almost everything they do (MIL picked my SILs e-ring and their furnishings including the hideous white and gold bedroom furniture).

my inlaws are lovely people but you have to set boundries NOW. to start with dont answer the phone, dont return the call for a few hours and when you do say you have other things to do and are busy. her phoning every day is a habit and its time to break it

Post # 4
Member
6892 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2012

Omg. Your Mother-In-Law and my Future Father-In-Law are the same people.

Except Future Father-In-Law calls Fiance several times a day (usually to say nothing and/or to ask a pointless question). I don’t mind Fiance answering, unless of course we are doing something else…in which case he’ll ignore it. However when he ignores it, chances are Future Father-In-Law will then call ME! We’ve sort of curbed this over the years but it’s still somewhat of an issue.

I just wanted to share that you’re not alone in this. My parents are exactly like yours unless they have something important to talk about – like right now, my Mom and wedding stuff. It’s just super strange to see how others do it. I wouldn’t say one way or another is normal/abnormal, because who knows? But we do all have what WE consider normal and what others do. Adapting to it is sometimes strange.

And also, random addition regarding the don’t forget us comment? We got one too! Not at the wedding (obviously) but when we moved into our house. We had been living 2-ish hours away and when we decided to finally buy a house we wanted one close-ish to our parents. My Mom’s is about 25 mins away, his Dad’s is about 25 mins away. Future Father-In-Law says, “I’ll probably see you less now that you’re closer.” Um…….*crickets*

Post # 5
Member
106 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Maybe I’m the odd one out, but I don’t see the big deal. I speak to my parents at least once a day, and so does he, sometimes multiple times a day. When we go on vacation, we either call or email daily just so they know we are still alive. We live about an hour away now but still try to see our parents at least twice a month. Then again, we both come from typical Russian families and it seems to be the norm. My parents speak to my grandparents multiple times a day, and they live in the same building so they se each other every day.

Post # 7
Member
1813 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

I am getting married to a Greek Man (or should I say a Greek family) next week.  I don’t mind that they speak everyday, but I have put my foot down at personal things being discussed, like the time I went to the gynecologist and Fiance decided that was something appropriate to share with his family. I have lived away from my country from years and am very independent and it is hard for me to accept that level of interest and input in our lives and have discussed boundaries with Fiance which are now in place (I asked him how he’d feel if I started discussing him going for a private-parts checkup with everybody left, right and centre and he got it).

I don’t think his mother would be able to sleep without asking him what he had to eat that day though! lol!

Just a question, why does it bother you so much that he speaks to them daily?  Are they usually long telephone conversations, or just a quick catch-up?  Does he call her at all? The honeymoon calling and the weeping when he leaves is a bit OTT though, especially if you visit regularly.

Post # 8
Member
3569 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

I am not on good terms with my mom at the moment when I was I talked to her everyday. I still talk to my dad a couple times of week. That is what normal for us. I think as long as she is calling your hubby and not you and he isnt bothered by it dont make a big deal out of it.  I think how he is  is dealing with it is fine. Other things sounds inconsiderate like asking him to dinner but not malcious or mean on her part. I think its an adjustment period and hopefully she learns to adjust quickly.

 

Post # 10
Member
13010 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I also don’t find this too strange, although can be annoying.  Fiance talks to both his parents and his sister at least once a day, oftentimes more.  They’re very close, and enjoy talking to each other.  It may be different for us since we don’t live near them at all, so he doesn’t see them as much as he’d like.  On the other hand, I talk to my parents only once a week, and his family finds this strange.  But regardless, I don’t think it’s weird.  At least they’re being nice and supportive, and not calling to criticize things!

Post # 12
Member
103 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

Sorry, I know Im going against general consensus a bit but I think you are being a bit selfish.

My parents are super relaxed too, I went travelling with my fiance for 5 weeks in bali, malaysia and hong kong. My parents were happy with the odd text to say I was ok and I think I spoke on the phone to them once. My fiances Italian mum called every day. She was also constantly worrying about any activites we were doing, whether the food was clean, what we were we drinking. She even called us in the middle of the night once to tell us there had been an earthquake in Malaysia and were we safe – we were about 300 miles away and it was so tiny it didnt even get reported on the news. The way I see it is that its a cultural thing first of all – he always speaks to her every day and whenever we travel she always wants to know the flight number and when we arrive.

Shes been a stay at home mum all her life and doesnt have a lot going on in her life, hobbies etc. The way I see it is thats her son who she spent 18+years loving and caring for and who she basically loves more than anything in the world. 98% of the time hes with me, I really cant begrudge her the 2% of the time she gets his attention if it makes an older lady feel happy and secure knowing her baby is safe and happy.

Post # 14
Member
812 posts
Busy bee

I think you need to get your hubby to have a word with her and let her know where the line is, she has to cut the apron strings at some point

Post # 15
Member
2693 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2008

@Evie19:  I also may not have an opinion that is popular, and may even sound harsh.  I am very much not a fan of the whole clingy-mother-to-her-son thing.  I think it’s a bit off-putting.  I am very fortunate that Future Mother-In-Law is not at all like this with Fiance, they are a very independent family, have had some hard times in the past decade which sort of caused them to distance themeselevs (not from each other and not for hostile reasons, just because things are very hard for FI’s parents and they both work a lot, etc). 

That being said, I am very much of the opinion that when two people get married, they are now the new family.  I realize people still have other family members and I’m not saying once you get married screw everyone and never see your parents again.  But the obsessive need to gain a sense of fulfillment from your son is–for lack of a better word–kind of creepy IMO.  I think some IL’s, regardless of culture, need to understand that they need to let go and let their sons grow into their new families and roles has husbands, because like it or not, MIL’s, the wife is now the highest priority, the most important, and the central figure in your son’s life. Just like he is now the central figure in her life.  That’s how I was raised, and that’s what I believe.  I think it’s very apporpirate to set boundaries.  I think your compromise to have a set amount of time to visit them for lunchest, etc, is a really good step.  I think with clingy mom’s like his, if you give her an inch, she’ll take a mile.  If she is just calling to worry him or talk about nonsense, or lay a bit of a guilt trip that they don’t see you enough, etc.  It’s your marriage and it’s about what makes you comfortable

Post # 16
Member
4824 posts
Honey bee

Well it depends totally on you if this is too much. I can see why you would think so, but I dont think so.

I talk to my mom usually once a day and sometimes more than that. I talk to Mother-In-Law often and if we lived within driving distance I would guarantee that we would see them at least once a week. That is what family is to me. 

I also get that some people just ask questions that seem totally too prying, but they usually come from the right place. This is just how they interact. My aunt is like this and it doesnt bother me, but drives my mom bonkers.

 

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